Tomorrow H's Grandma and Aunts, Uncles & cousins are coming to his Mom's house for them to celebrate Christmas as they didn't see them over the holidays. I am not invited. H is coming to take D and S. This will be the first time S will be leaving the house with him and I am devastated. Not only am I not invited, but I get to sit at home by myself while he takes my baby. I am so sad. I know he'll be ok, but I just don't want to let him go. I don't feel like I have a choice. Tonight I have to give him formula because I need to pump so he has a bottle to take with him. I feel like I'm being pushed a bit to do this, but at the same time I think I need to do it. I just wish it wasn't for a family event that I am so obviously not a part of anymore. I went through this a few weeks ago at Christmas but at least I had S with me. This is going to show the lines that are drawn and that I am truly alone. Just not a part of that family any more. Yeah, I'll be able to get together with people to keep myself busy, but it won't be the same. The thing is...H doesn't have an ounce of empathy for me. Not a bit. He can't see how this is making me feel. He's only concerned about this own selfish motives.
The thing is...the family they are going to be with is his Dad's family. And is Dad is estranged from ALL of them. His Dad did this to his mom just 7 yrs ago...the D was just final 1 1/2 yrs ago. It is the event that I believe sent H into crisis in the first place. So he's going to have to face all of them knowing that are comparing him to his Dad. But he's so oblivious to himself right now that probably won't be uncomfortable at all. In fact he'll probably act as if he knows S like he's been here every day of his life. It's making me cringe!
All I keep thinking is how wrong this all is. How can this really be happening?? How can it be so obvious to everyone but him? How can he be doing this to his kids?? I just don't get it.
I feel so much hurt and as hard as I try to concentrate on the good in my life...I can't help but ask why it's being inflicted on me?? Why??
Ok ....enough of the poor me crap. I just had to let it out. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
