Thanks, but I haven't always been. I was finishing up a lot of graduate school his first two years. It was difficult to spend time with him, much less even my W. Part of the problem. I actually have a pretty flexible schedule now, and left early Thursday to get him from daycare and take him home and take care of him. So it is much easier now to give him the attention he deserves.
Originally Posted By: blindsided1
I worry about what kind of Dad my H will be. I worry that he will quit our child like he has quit everything in his life. It's true that he has a self defeating personality. He gets really close to obtaining a goal and then runs from it. It's always been that way, school, work, us, our family. I'm sad that my child may not have the chance at an intact family.
I have never understood this in people. I'm a pretty hard goal setter and go after what I want. But ultimately it his choice to participate in your childs life or not. However, the intact family is up to you, and that doesn't mean finding someone, but just being the best single mother or in a new R, or with your H if she so chooses, but it is up to you. So don't worry about it, you will do great.
Originally Posted By: blindsided1
Isn't strange how the shoe is on the other foot now with your W?
I guess it should be, but it isn't. She has known for some time what I was expecting. I probably did push too hard, but she would also ask what we could do, and I talked about IC, MC, Retro, etc...but she never took a single action step. She kept having sex with other people, going out clubbing, and pretty much doing things I don't agree with. So I got sick and tired of waiting for a change and I'm sick of her blaming me for her problems. I've taken responsibility on my end, have been doing C'ing, stopped drinking, working out, building my career...etc. I gave her a very sincere apology a while ago and it was accepted. So I have moved on.
Originally Posted By: blindsided1
I'm sure you had periods where you felt like your W was moving farther and farther away from you. How did you handle that?
It was actually really difficult. W has never been outside a R for as long as I can remember. So when she started her first A, she was still around the house all the time. She would be nonstop tm'ing him. I kept my mouth shut, but it infuriated me. I would just walk away and go do something else. Eventually, my life had become suck a wreck I went dark for my own sanity. We went a few months without talking whatsoever. TM'ed when it came to our S. This helped me tremendously, I found I could and did live without her, and it was a dead R.
Originally Posted By: blindsided1
And, did she eventually move closer again.
She did. When she came back and started hanging out again, she was severly depressed. What I didn't know is she almost immediately returned within a day or two of being dumped by the first OM. She had lied and said it had been some time, but I found out later it hadn't. For weeks she was over all the time, calling, texting me. But no real effort on her part to reconnect as a spouse. It became more and more frustrating as she would ask for back rubs, foot rubs, spend the night on the couch, etc...but she would never touch me. She would take verbal jabs whenever she could fit one in. I thought I would pull back and let her see that I wasn't going to be a doormat. She immediately went back to her old behaviors. She isn't seeing anyone in particular right now, but does bring diffrent men to her apartment for sex. Not something I will or have to accept. So I pushed a R talk, and I'm sure she felt like she could call my bluff again. I had bluffed too many times prior, but I was ready now. Well know she is really upset, but I'm going forward with it.
It's not like she doesn't know what she would have to do to begin a resolution of our issues and to rebuild, but she won't and can't swallow her pride. I've learned from these boards and from a new network of friends, haven't really had a lot of close friends in a long time due to school and moving constantly, but there are women out there that are responsible and would appreciate what I am and have to offer. So why get stepped all over?
My W's self worth is wrapped up in attention and sex from men. Even last night when I showed up to pick up S, she was dressed up for clubbing and looked like a hussy. She has changed her hair, clothes and everything, and it all screams available for a one night stand. She claims to have found her center and self esteem, but someone with those qualities doesn't act that way.
When you really start living for you, and work on yourself, you will see how much there is too life. You don't have to live under this oppression of fear and loathing and stop DB'ing. But continuous dwelling on them only makes matters worse.
You know, they are a drug addict, they are addicted to the dopamine for what they are doing. It is exciting and when we chase and plead, it always the release to continue. The LRT is what you would do if your H was addicted to any other drug, so I found it very effective to quit enabling my W, and helping myself. Those are her behaviors, and we are responsible for our own, not theirs. Only you can let them hurt you.
