Went out around 7:30 last night. Just decided I needed to get out so I told W I was going out, be back in a couple hours. Got a couple of questions 'are you going for a walk? Are you going for a drive?' and I just said I was going to Borders to look for a book. she said 'ok' and I left.
Got home around 10:30 and she was in bed already, not unusual because she's been having trouble with jet lag still.
I went and read the posts from Becca and everyone and also read some of the book I had gotten at FIB's suggestion - 'Mars and Venus - Starting over' which is a guide to healing after break ups and divorce. FIB's suggestion was that you have to break your dependence before it can even be possible to reconcile and have a healthy relationship.
What I got out of it was that we all really need to forgive and let go with love, before we can start a new relationship with anyone else. Interestingly he says in the book that when we do that it can re-open the door for reconciliation.
I realize that I haven't forgiven or released the hurt for several old relationships - with my W and with the people of the old companies who hurt me. So it's not just relationships with spouses that we have to forgive and heal, it's ANY relationship that ended that we need to deal with those feelings. I'm trying to learn that and I also need to see the 'door' for reconciliation 'locked' for now.
I had a weird dream last night. In the dream W and I were in the kitchen she came over to me and gave me a passionate kiss and I felt the passion and the love. It was so intense, I could FEEL it in my dream. I haven't felt that passion with her in real life for a long time. It probably means I wish we cold have that, but more importantly I FELT it. Maybe my feelings are coming unblocked, if only in a dream.
Sometimes they say that if your dream is intense enough the person you are connected to can feel it / dream it also. Who knows.
I forgot to mention that we had chinese fast food last night and I opened a fortune cookie that said 'your luck is about to change'. Could be prophetic, and since I have 'felt' like it's been crappy then it can only change for the better, right?
I noticed on the table another fortune lying there that said 'You will make a decision that is long overdue'. I would venture to guess that it was W's fortune and why she left it there is a mystery. Just as a refresher, remember that she got a fortune 2 years ago that said 'you will fall in love with someone far away' which she kept on her desk as she pursued OM.
Now to me, the 'overdue decision' would be to start pursuing the career she wants instead of being afraid she can't do it. It's what she's been talking about for a while and says she has been holding herself back. But to her, well, it would probably be a way for her to validate that she should 'leave frank' and 'find her path'. Leaving, running, looking somewhere else.
I cleaned up the table and threw away the 'fortunes'.
Around 5am I woke up because she got up and went downstairs. she came back a few minutes later and got back in bed. Then a few minutes later she left again and didn't come back. I didn't say anything or even act as if I was awake. A few days ago I would have said "are you ok, what's up?"
This mornings interactions were friendly, polite. She got back from her morning walk and was getting dressed after taking a shower (she doesn't have any problem standing nekkid around me) and was telling me she got up at 5 and did some meditating, then she went for her walk and hiked to the top of this hill that she likes to go to because it's been her place where she can 'soak up the sun' and get 'grounded, in touch with God, the universe'. 2 years ago that was where she had the 'I release you frank' ritual with me.
We had some idle chit chat about things that needed to be done around the house, her schedule for today and other stuff. Gave her a complement on how she was looking better now that she's exercising and she said 'so do you'.
She has a little redness on her upper lip from waxing and I notice, she comes close to me and sticks her lips in my face so I can see closer and I say 'poor you' and she give me a 'poor me' pouty face. I don't get that at all.
That was about as close as we got. No physical contact at all. Just 'best friends' hangin out. Sometimes I worry that by being that way I validate to her that everything will be 'all right' when she leaves.
I kept my attitude pleasant, and made sure I left the room before it became awkward or needy.
That's it, she's gone to work now, 4 massages today which is a windfall for her. Oh, as an aside, her 'how to get a divorce' book was still on the floor in her office opened to the same page as yesterday so I guess she hasn't gone back to read it.
I'm going to focus on things I need to do today to get myself and us financially strong again. It hurts because I see so much of the 'last time' repeating itself except that she's not 'lost' like before. I realize that last time my counselor was there to help us both by giving me the strength to save HER.
Originally Posted By: saffie
Ignore your wife. Her reactions are syptoms of your malaise. You cannot expect her to 'save you'. That is not her job. Saving you is down to you. It is going to be hard whichever route you take but you are man enough for the job I am sure.
You dwell far too much on your W. That time would be much better spent on sorting yourself out. Thinking about your W and ways 'she could' help you is just wallowing. She can't do it. You have to help your self. That screams out from all these posts. You can't help her until you are fit and healthy again.
I have accepted that she can't / is unable to 'help' me. But I don't know why you think I can 'help' her? She wants out, thinks shes done all she can do, and is running away. There is nothing I can do to change that. This is who she is, just like the 'stuck / anxiety / masochistic' state I was is is who I am when I'm beat up enough.
I really got a lot talking to my friend last night. He's known me for 22 years and he went through the last time with me, understands her 'little girl' issues and knows how hard times have been for me lately. But when hes very first reaction is "what is it with her, whenever things get tough she wants to run away?" It really hits me.
No matter how much responsibility I take for my lack of strength and for my bad behaviors, I still keep listening to his observation and it bothers me. Maybe he's right, maybe she is the wrong person for me. Maybe she is high maintenance.
She knows everything about the 'good side' of Frank that all the people posting here know. She would be the first to tell someone exactly the same things about me that anyone here would say. Yet when the hard times / bad times hit me she absorbs it for so long, then decides to run away.
This has gone on too long. I'm going to claw my way back to the top again, like Becca said "You are amazing. Your intelligence is unrivaled and the warmth in your heart....you are one of a kind and a very rare breed, you just have to SEE YOUR OWN VALUE."
