Still sad but movin' on

[MonicaP]

It has been a really long time since my last post and unfortunately it is time for me to move to DBND. I finally filed for LS back in June so I could get some legal boundaries around my custody and support. I knew the risk was that H would respond with D, and he did. Fortunately we agreed on everything and now I have sole P and joint L, plus child support (not much). H even agreed - after 2 yrs of sep - to take S5 for 1 wknd/month. He's been pretty consistent. The only thing left for our D is for H to file his final financial declaration. When I gave him mine a couple of weeks ago he looked surprised and didn't know he had to do this (we talked about it with the atty in court).

I have been gradually healing and have definitely mastered GAL! The only interaction I have with STBXH is twice a week when he is with S at my home. Typically I see him for 30 min's on either end because one of us goes out. I allow him the use of my home for S5. H lives too far.

I rarely cry anymore, but I do get hit with deep sadness from time to time. The holidays, birthdays, etc. are the hardest. I still miss the man I married. I still love him. He'll always live in my heart. But today H is a different person, I don't know him.

He is still w/ Ow and apparently doing fine. His job is going well and he seems more "stable". He still seems to be living in denial about our R. It's like we were never together. At our D proceedings I cried the entire time and he was as cold as ice. I could see the guilt all over his face, but I could also see how hard he was trying to deny it. When we left the courthouse I never looked back.

To be honest I am still in shock at times. It blows my mind that we are not together anymore, it's like something went wrong in the universe. We were supposed to be together forever.

Well, life does go on...

S5 started K so I am on the ride now. My job is great. I feel better than I ever have about myself. I've been getting out on occasion - dancing, dinners, etc with friends. There's one guy I have a crush on. I'm still working on financial matters, that's the tough one.

I am so grateful that I found the DR and this site when I did nearly 2 years ago. I just don't know how I would have walked through it all without it. I think I need to jump back in again during the D process. It is sad for me.

I could use some support...

Thanks!

[JMC]

Monica - so sorry for your pain and loss. Although I am not yet divorced (in process of filing), I can empathize with so much of what you wrote - the deep saddness, the holiday season, the OP, and the shock that we are not together anymore.

I am not sure if I can say anything that could ease your pain or be a cure, but please know there are others like you in similar situations. I hope you have a better day today.

[AKmusic]

Monica,
I feel your pain, just know that it takes time. It has been 16 months for me, but I am in another relationship and it has had its ups and down, but we stuck it out and realized that we really love each other. Everyone is different and you will have need met in a different way when you finally meet someone new. On another note, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my ex wife. She was the best thing that happened to me and tried like hell for almost 3 years to get her back, but at the moment she is staying the course and I am trying to live life as best as I can. There are really very few people that trully understand us as individuals and can help us through the tough times. In my case my gf has done a lot of those things, I don't know what I would have done without her. But nothing is easy including a new relationship, it helps you go day by day and gives you a little bit of hope that someday you will return back to normal. Take care, and be brave. Make sure that your faith is stronger than your fear.

[alamogirl]

I still miss the man I married. I still love him. He'll always live in my heart. But today H is a different person, I don't know him.

To be honest I am still in shock at times. It blows my mind that we are not together anymore, it's like something went wrong in the universe. We were supposed to be together forever.

Hey Monica, I know exactly how you feel. The other day my ex came by to get some furniture he left behind, he started fixing stuff around the house. Then he asked if he could wash his hands in the kitchen sink. When he was standing there, washing, it was like he never left. He looked so "normal" to be there.

I still can't believe we're divorced. It also blows my mind that we're not together anymore. He wants to be friends, but it's so hard because I still love him. Sometimes, I think that maybe I should accept his friendship, but what happens when he starts dating?

I've gotten on with my life. I have a good job, good co-workers, great friends. My siblings are all here in San Antonio. I'm in good health...I recently lost 37 lbs, and I'm hoping to lose another 20. What can I say...life is great, but I still miss my partner, companion, husband, best friend, and lover.

All my best,
alamogirl

[MonicaP]

Dear JMC, AKmusic and alamogirl ~

Thank you all for taking the time to share your caring and kindness with me. It helps so much to know that you are out there - sadly, also experiencing the loss - but finding ways to move on, and even finding new love. It's hard to believe that I could actually fall in love again and start a new life with someone else. Seems so strange.

My STBXH and I met while traveling in his native country. We fell in love through writing. We jumped through many hoops to be together. We were best friends. He once said, to have a family is the greatest achievement in life. We had a great family. We loved, laughed, cried, worked hard, talked for hours, cooked, made love, made plans for our future and loved being parents to our S(5). I was the happiest woman on earth. Ah, ignorance is bliss.

STBXH, sadly, was holding so much in. He was unhappy with himself and he suddenly (I believe) snapped. He realized that he had lived his life to please everyone else and didn't really have a clue who he was. Is this an excuse for infidelity? NO! But 2 years later he is still clueless.

While S5 and I go on with our lives and continue to build a wonderful family of two, STBXH makes his "home" in a little studio apt in the City near Ow, works a lot and plays out his Goth fantasies - completely oblivious to the fact that he is still living his life to please others (now, Ow).

I guess I needed to sort that all out in writing this morning...

Meanwhile, S5 and I have a whole week off for Christmas vacation. Today I will take him ice-skating for the first time. Last night we watched the Grinch and had hot-chocolate. This is the family life I wanted. Maybe someday a new man will come into our lives, wanting this kind of family, I don't know. But I won't wait. Life is right now.

Alamogirl ~ I ask myself the same question about whether to be friends with ex. Right now I give myself the permission to take it day by day. Sometimes I can be friendly, other days I can only manage cordial. It's like my therapist said: he's the one who f'd up. I am not obligated to be friends with him. But for my S5 I am always "nice".

Let's all have a peaceful and blessed holiday - and a wonderful new year.

Take care,

[alamogirl]

We jumped through many hoops to be together. We were best friends. He once said, to have a family is the greatest achievement in life. We had a great family. We loved, laughed, cried, worked hard, talked for hours, cooked, made love, made plans for our future and loved being parents to our S(5). I was the happiest woman on earth. Ah, ignorance is bliss.

STBXH, sadly, was holding so much in. He was unhappy with himself and he suddenly (I believe) snapped. He realized that he had lived his life to please everyone else and didn't really have a clue who he was.

Hey Monica,

Your story is so like mine minus the child. We had no bio kids together; however, I raised his son from age 8 years old to 14 years old. My ex had sole custody of his son.

But like you, we went through hoops to be together. It was hard dating when the ex was awarded sole custody. But like you, we were best friends. We didn't have a "great" family but we worked hard to make it easy and tolerable. I know that sounds harsh, but my stepson was raised by a very unstable woman. It was a feat in itself to undo everything she taught him (or didn't teach him).

We could also talk for hours. We'd sit out in our backyard and play with our dogs. We'd BBQ and drink a few beers. We enjoyed the same music, we both liked pickle juice, everything was going good. He was so reliable and responsible. I trusted him with my life. I never worried about anything because I knew he would make it better. He was the "go to" person. The one everyone called on when they needed help with something...whether it was about computers or help putting up drywall. I never had to wonder where he was. He always called if he was going to be late. He always checked with me before he made plans to go golfing. He was an all around responsible husband.

But like your STBXH, my ex was holding so much in. He was unhappy with himself and like your H (I swear), he snapped. After I started college, I saw a gradual change in us. But we were determined to make our lives better. He helped me with school work. Then he decided to quit his job to attend college full time with my blessing.

Everything was going well...then all of a sudden, he had a blow-out with his family. Everyone turned against him. It was them against us. I always fought every battle along side of him. I guess it was pretty hard on him. He started to remember things about his childhood that he had suppressed. I started to see him unravel before my eyes. I suggested he get professional help. I just assumed that this was another battle we were going to fight. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that it would break us up. We were a team, we were way to strong, we would overcome it. Sadly, it was too much for him...he got lost somewhere somehow and couldn't find his way back.

Anyway...sorry for rambling. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You have all of us to lean on.

All my best and Happy Holidays,
alamogirl

[MonicaP]

Hi alamogirl,

Yep, sounds familiar.

I've been feeling really down these holidays. I took the whole week off and now I wish I hadn't. Sometimes it's easier to be at work and only have to "entertain" my S5 part time. I just crave adult time. That said, I truly adore my son and love his company. I just think the holidays are such a reminder of the loss of my family. I try to focus on my blessings, but it's been hard this year. My brother and his family just bought a new house which looks like a page out of a Pottery Barn catalog. We spent Christmas Eve there. It was very boring and then to top it off my S threw up in the car on the way home. I definitely was feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday STBXH had S5 for the day and seemed so happy...I knew he was including the Ow on their day.

I just struggle sometimes with the Why of it all. Why did ex use our marriage as an excuse for his unhappiness? Why, now that he seems to be putting his life back together, does he still not remember our love? He acts like everything is just fine.

Sometimes I think I'll never get past this. I just pray I will live to love again. And that I can come to peace with the loss of my family.

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Stay in touch.

Monica

[MonicaP]

I need some advice...
My STBXH has yet to submit to me and to the court his final financial declaration. It's the last piece to our divorce. I submitted mine to him a few months ago (still have to file it in court) and expected him to do the same.

I haven't said anything to him about it since I served him mine. My question is - should I push him to get it done? I suspect he may be hiding something about his earnings or general finances since he hasn't done it yet. Or, he could just be procrastinating, I don't know.

Should I force the issue? Part of me, of course, is glad because it means that our divorce can't go through. But on the other hand, it seems inevitable and it's just holding me back from moving on with my life...

Any advice?

[Jeff223]

Hey Monica.

Sorry about your situation. It is so senseless is it not?

You and I are in the same boat; finishing touches on the paperwork. My W closes on her new house in about a week and we should be D'ed by month end.

I have been at this for two years now. I need the closure.

Sounds from your words that you need it too. I would push the paperwork or have your attorney send him a letter.

Get it done. I think you will feel better for it.

Best of luck.

[alamogirl]

Hey Monica,

I hope your New Year's was at least peaceful. I pray that this year brings us all good health, happiness, and peace.

I agree with Jeff...hi Jeff...and get it done as quickly as possible. Anything having to do with paperwork and the ex, I always went through my lawyer. Your STBX could be very well procrastinating.

I go through the same thing as you...I still struggle with the "why" of it all. It just seems like it ended all so abruptly. One day, we were outside drinking beer and playing with the dogs, and the next moment he was packing his things. Sometimes, I still play it all in my head...the events that led to the separation.

The other day, I was remembering when we went shopping for his suit. He had gained so much weight that nothing in his closet fit him. We had 3 weddings to attend, and he had planned to wear the suit to all 3 events. He tried on a bunch of suits that afternoon. After he picked out his suit, the clerk helped us select a shirt and tie. I helped him pick out some suspenders. It was in Feb, and 4 months later, we separated. Sometimes I think to myself, "self...if I was planning on leaving, I don't think I would have gone through all that trouble to buy a new outfit."

The first wedding took place on 30 Apr. You know, I catch myself doing silly things like looking for "signs" in the pics. By the 2nd wedding, we had already separated (3 Jun)...we didn't attend my cousin's wedding on 10 Jun. My niece got married in Jul, and we attended together. That was our last "real" date.

Hopefully, this year...I'll do less of that (thinking), and more of looking forward to a new adventure.

Keep in touch :-).

All my best,
alamogirl