Last night I decided I had had enough with this hostility.
I picked up my S's last evening. W and I have both been standoffish with each other, saying very little.
On the drive back to my apartment, S7 started speaking spontaneously about his mother, speculating about her future plans, about "moving away" and, again, about having an older brother. I kept telling S7 that it was best we not discuss these things, but tried to get him to talk about something else. We kept coming back to his mother.
I managed to get my sons off to sleep and then re-read MIL's nasty-gram. I then decided I was going to call W. This was totally a backslide as far as DB'ing goes, as this was an R talk that I initiated.
I told W that I wanted to talk to her about this letter her mother sent, the sentiments to which she had concurred. I confirmed with W that this was indeed what her thoughts regarding me were. Again, she said she wasn't as strident about these enough to have worded it as vehemently as her mom, but she agreed with everything said.
I then told her I wanted to appeal with what is left of the woman I thought I married, and to tell her that the attitude that I am getting in this email is very disturbing, and it represents an environment to which my S's are being exposed that is not healthy for them or their R with their father.
W claimed, again, that she never says anything to our S's that would detract from me or my R with our S's.
I told her it was not what was said but the attitude that I was most concerned with. I told her "Actions speak louder than words, as you like to keep telling me." Besides, even if one could trust W to show some discretion, there was no way she could vouch for her mother. MIL's letter bespoke of a hostility towards me that is unfounded and not in her place to levy against me, not while she's living under my roof and not while she is being placed in a child-rearing role over our S's.
W denied any untoward behavior from her mother, that she was far better than daycare (I disagree) and that W has made it perfectly clear to her mother that there would never be anything said to our S's that would harm their relationship with their father.
W said that neither she nor MIL would ever expose S7 and S3 to "adult matters". She then tried to turn the argument back on me, with accusations that I was the one who was continuing to talk to S7 about "adult matters". I denied that -- family matters are not necessarily "adult matters", just because it might make W uncomfortable. I said that S7 was continuing to speak to me spontaneously about things that could only have come from her (or MIL), and the tip of the iceberg I see is alarming.
W continues to deny that she has any plans, that I am totally wrong, and that I cannot predict the future or how things will turn out. Every time she has said this, I know this to be mere supplication, an attempt to lower my suspicions to buy her time -- time for what? for her to carry out her plans that she says she doesn't have. She then took my pause to consider her words as (correctly) my disbelief, "But you don't believe me, ... and you never will."
No, I don't believe her, not this alien, not anymore. I always have given her the full benefit of a doubt all these years, and where has that gotten me now? I told her I am observing her tone, her attitude and her actions.
She started to tell me how she thought it was going to go down, that we would get the Separation Agreement and then in six months complete this process.
I got W to spell this out, "completing the process", and at last she said the D word. I told her she was being evasive, as if she didn't want to actually say what her objective really is. W said, "I just thought you didn't need to have me say it; that you know where this leads."
I told W that she needed to say it. I then said, "I still don't like D; I don't believe in it. But I won't fight it -- not that there is anything I could do even if I wanted."
W then seemed a slightly surprised, but only a little. She responded something along the lines of satisfaction.
I then spoke out of hurt, "And you call me 'cold and unfeeling'."
W: "I'm just done."
Me:"You're just stuck."
Like mother, like daughter.
This conversation contained a lot more than this, but this post is already too long and so I will wrap it up. The convo. included having her admit she's planning on leaving this town and relocating away from the metro area, and was investigating other school systems for our S's -- to which I reminded her that moving our S's was nother decision alone. She's got plans and machinations in mind, alright, she just isn't being very open about them.
All-in-all, I tried to set some boundaries with W. I basically told W that I expect her and MIL to show a bit more discretion in how they act around my S's. And she continues to blame me for everything. She is going to continue to say one thing, but disrespect me and do another. I have at least stated my case.
