Stuck in Neutral - MN Man's 5th thread

[smith18]

You make an excellent point TB. MM is indeed still very young. He does not have kids which add a whole new level of emotional pain to the D. From his picture and writings, he seems like the kind of guy that will have no trouble in meeting a new love which will hopefully endure for a lifetime.

MM take heed of TB's advise. Yes, you feel like you have hit rock bottom, but take it as something you learn from the school of hard rocks. Grow from it.

[phbear316]

Hey MM

Just thought i would stop in for a minute, hope you are enjoying your party!!

I hope it was the best party every, wish we all could have been there.

I have read you posts, and my heart breaks for you, because i feel what you feel, but i am starting to realize that the person who I am married to right now, just legally on paper, not in the true spirit of what marriage really is, is not the person i fell in love with, is not the person i want to be in love with right now.

I know its a hard statement to read, for i am crying as i type it. She is not someone who you want to be with right now, I always look at the glass half full and hope for another chance even with my own stitch. Your old marriage is gone, my old marriage is gone. I am praying for a new one, will it happen i don't know.

SG on my stitch has been asking me a lot of specific questions today and has me thinking about lots of things, good and bad.

You cannot fix her, just like i cannot fix my h, All we can do is fix and love ourselves for right now. She has changed, and so are you changing for the better.
Both you and i need to let go to let, them find there own way, does not mean we love them any less right now. How does that old saying go, if you love something set it free. I let go of my Dec 18th to be with family, upon his return it feels like he wants to go now. either way i cannot stop him. I hope he feels that he has to let me go on the 21st the way i let him go. To clear my head, to get some sun.

Mine is very up and down all over emotionally,(still think he needs meds) last weeks issue, has turned into this week of him being home tonight, to us laughing out of control the car going to do an errand, just like old times. Sometimes i wonder would have it been better if h had moved out? Would i be handling this differently.

We are all here for you and each other. We will be here with each other for the good times and the bad, we feel each others pain. Does it make us stronger, yes for somethings it does. You will see those things. Listen we are at the bottom, no where else to go except up. I have dragged this down long enough here.

Ok so thanks to i don't remember who posted it the just keep swimming song from finding nemo. Cannot and i mean cannot get it out of my head today. Holy cow, all I found my self whistling it or singing it. I was driving my mom crazy today when we were shopping. She kept saying would you stop with that song. Guess i have disney on the brain so that is not helping. thanks it is much better than row, row, you boat.

MM, keep you head up! hope my post did not bring you down too much after your terrific party, Hope to hear about it on the paper tomorrow about the best party in town was for Minnesota Man!!! Woo Hoo

Hugs
PHbear

[phbear316]

MM


Question, do you have the divorce remedy book, do you remember the part with forgiveness? I just read a post in the piecing stitch, and one point jumped out at me.

Its on page 206. Have you forgiven you wife? I knew h's affair would imprison me. It started to. I had to forgive him in order for me to even deal with this whole thing. I knew without forgiveness it would kill me.

Do you think you have, forgiving them does not mean they were right and you were wrong. It give you the right to forgive yourself, to start your own healing process. Does it happen overnight no it takes time. I told my H in the only MC session we went to together, that i forgave him, for if i did not it would imprison me. H said not one word. The MC who is now my own counselor was like H do you have anything to say about that very bold and difficult statement W just said, and he had no reply, I guess he never thought i would forgive him and even tell him to his face.

Just wondering if you have. If not maybe start thinking about it.

bear

[MinnesotaMan]

There's a lot of good posts here, but I'm quite tired and will respond to them in the morning. I wanna post about the party 'cause I'm so still on the "up" vibe from it.

My last guest left about 20 min ago (1am).

I had something like 13 friends over (15 including my roommates). it was a bit crowded, but it was fun!

I had a decent selection of food/snacks, and a half-sheet cake.

But having friends around was so great - in fact, all but two people I invited came, and those two already had plans when I gave them the super-short-notice invite anyway. The company of friends in a good setting was just so uplifting and energizing (talking, joking, sharing random stories, etc) it was great.

And two of my friends got me the most awesome gift. I was talking with the two on AIM on Wednesday, and they asked me what I wanted. I told them they didn't need to get my anything, but they insisted. I joked "an army of ninja squirrels".

Well, they couldn't find squirrels, but they got an armadillo
(a stuffed one) and made him a little ninja mask, belt, sword, throwing stars, and nunchucks. It's so awesome and sweet at the same time - that they actually went to the effort to make the ninja costume was just great. One of those little things that shows friends care.

I also got an iTunes gift card.

The "real gift" though was the company of friends, and all the postive energy that came from their company. And I got some very sincere hugs - which was also nice.

All in all, a most excellent evening.

[phbear316]

MM

Sounds like the party was was terrific!!

I am so glad you had such a good time!, love the armadillo, though i would have liked the ninja squirrels, tough to get a little ninja mask on them though

Well i am so glad the party went well!!

Remember to have some cake for breakfast!! You deserve it.

bear

[bhopeful]

Glad to hear the party went so well. That has to be a big boost to your PMA. Keep it up buddy!

[MinnesotaMan]

So I've spent the last couple days in a swing of introspection, frustration, and just thinking.

Also had a phone conversation with W tonight which (surprise, surprise) further cemented that she's not the person I thought she was. What it came down to was my opinion was fairly meaningless, and even my request that she replace the two pictures from our honeymoon that're on her match.com profile with other ones was met with hostility.

"I'm not ashamed of my past / I have nothing to hide / I like how I look in them" . . .nevermind that it's an insult to me to have them up on her profile. I didn't expect her to care, honestly.


TB, KerryK, I think you're right. It may be better in the long run that this happened now. No children, no house. It still hurts like hell, but I've already learned some lessons. I feel like I'm getting into the game a bit late at 26, honestly, but I also realize that's still pretty young.



Bear --

I know now, especially after tonight's phone conversation, that I can't "fix" her. She won't even see or listen to anyone else's viewpoint but those of herself and her supporters. It's no longer worth my time or energy.

I do have Divorce Remedy...but honestly I don't know if I'm ready to forgive her yet. She hurt me a lot - not just once but on several occasions - and at this moment I'm more trying to forget her than forgive her.

That will come in time, if it does at all. Because if I do choose to forgive her, I want it to be genuine - not just surface words that're said to sound pretty.

*deep breath*

It also helps that a couple of my friends have complimented me on how I'm handling this - and one actually said that she thought I was stronger than she would be in a situation like mine.


Like I quoted awhile back...I've got a long way to go, but I'm keeping my eyes on the road.

[phbear316]

Morning MMan

Ok, i was trying to work the quote thing, but not working for me so

"Its no longer worth my time or energy."

Good start. You have to do things for you. YOU forgive her when YOU are ready, and keep in mind, you don't have to tell her. Its all about you and for you. I will take time, i know the time was right for me immediately, but sometimes i still find myself forgiving him on lots of things, each day. Its an ongoing process one you will take on when you are ready. Just remember you may not think so, but it does consume you the inability of not being able to forgive, for to forgive is to move on with you, to the next step of healing.

You cannot fix her honey, you cannot adjust her view of life right now, its way off center. You have to work on you. Things will all come into place in time.

Honey, the photo thing, You need to think about what you need to do about this. First off stop looking at her Match.com profile. You need to stop looking at this, it is like snooping you need to let go more in this department. I know the photos hurt. I understand. But I want you to step back for just one minute and think about this,

You have photos, beautiful ones of you and her on your profile here. How do you know that she does not know about them? Do you think that they may hurt her? You need to maybe think about taking them down, and replace them with some fabulous photos from you birthday. Photos are snapshots of our lives, good and loving times, and some times in the end all we have are photos. But some times they can be painful. I think right now constantly looking at her profile is just hurting you way too much. I think you need to do the just keep swimming or stop sign technique every time you want to go on her profile. Its hurting you to much.

You need to move on and away from her profile, please try to.

You said it before you cannot fix her, i cannot fix her, no one right now can. They just think they are right, and we are wrong and weak. But you know what, we are stronger just like your friend said, stronger than they know.

My h was around all weekend except for some time on sat night. I found him a few times looking at his phone, i am sure texting ow. I did notice on sunday, h was talking differently to me, being nice helping me, i even got a kiss on the cheek, and he went out of his way to help me with something on the computer i needed to do for work. Why? i would like to know, i have a theory, i was cleaning the house all day and did not put on my wedding ring. I think he saw this a break for him. I think when i wear it, it makes him feel guilty, and puts pressure on him like when is she going to get it, its over. Well today its back on. This is my choice, not his, i am not ready to take my ring off.

Just a observation, but for my trip next week he has not offered to take me to either my moms house or even to the airport. He told me i could long term part my vehicle at the airport. So see you cannot control what they do, for i would think taking me to my moms house, so we could take a car from there to the airport would be a nice thing to do. NOPE. I know he does not want to see my family. He cannot deal with that right now, and that is his issue and his alone. But come on, drop me off, holy cow, take a half hour out of you your day, she will wait for breakfast or what ever, you will have a week to play house with her. H would rather spend over $100 in long term parking then face a ride to my folk home, gosh H grow up. Maybe i will long term park, but for right now, its still my money in the checking account too, so i am really paying to for the parking when i don't and should not have to. GGRRRR.

Have a great day, I gotta run, going to be late for work.... Be back later on
bear

[Torchbearer]

I agree with Bear. You gotta quit looking at W's profile. She is not the person you thought she was. You can't fix her or change her. You can't make her change her mind. The sooner you come to terms with that the more relaxed you will be. I guarantee it. Even now that H is home and we are doing very well, I make sure that I am not trying to force my opinion on him. I am controlling. I know it and it's easier now that I've let go. It will be easier for you too. I don't remember who said it, but it was something that I came across here when reading a lot of posts, "I will not try to control my S. It is not my responsibility to be in control of every situation I am in. I will enjoy the freedom I gain from not being in control."

It is a paraphrase, but they are very wise words. I have been working very hard to live by them and they do make life easier. I acknowledge that my H is an intelligent human being who can make his own decisions. He lived and thrived before he met me and would do so if I weren't around. So why should I have to "control" his decisions now? I don't. That has made me a much more relaxed person. I can't change what he did anymore than he can change some of the dispicable things that I have done. We move on.

Work very hard at detaching. The less you think about your W the better, more relaxed you will feel. It doesn't mean you love her less. It means you love her enough to let go.

[MinnesotaMan]

It's rather late, so I'm only going to comment briefly (more tomorrow, likely) to let you guys know I've read what you wrote. I'd intended to write a bit more, but then got engaged in taming the laundry monster/general mess my bedroom had become.

I do want to comment that I haven't been constantly/regularly checking out her profile. Unfortunately for me, I have a rather good memory for pretty much anything but people's names. So a couple looks at it, and bam, it's in my mind. I'm writer by nature, so forgetting stuff once it's in my head is a bit tough. I'm trying not to think about them, though.

I'm trying my best not to let my W's actions bother me anymore. Or to even think about them.

If all goes well, I'll be dropping the Tuesdays where I work w/ her and B tomorrow and onwards. That will help greatly in detaching.

For now though, I'm gonna crash. I'm going to get about 5 hours sleep tonight thanks to my decision not only to DO the laundry that'd been piling up, but actually fold it all, or put it on hangers, and put it all away.

Previously, I'd just do laundry and live out of the clean clothes basket. heh. Typical enough for a guy, I suppose. :P