I agree. The thing about the pastor and the men’s group kills me. If your business is compassion, then you really need to reach out and keep a ken ear tuned to it, and bump it up on your precedence list. Was your W. also unpredictable in terms of what set her off? Just when you have the answer, the problem set changes? I know what you’re saying about “trying to understand”. Some of our mutual friends actually told me that I had all the symptoms of an abused spouse, and that I had bent and twisted, changed and morphed so much, that I had lost my identity.
Here’s a case in point. In June of 06 before we separated, I was vacuuming the house. I accidently broke the vacuum, and actually panicked because I knew she would be filled with anger over me accidentally breaking the vacuum. Like a 12 year old, I put the plastic pieces in place, and put it away so she would actually think she broke it. She would have flown into a rage if I told her I broke it, and this would have been stored along with all my other “incompetencies”, even thought it was an accident, and I was trying to be helpful. It wasn’t always this way, it just slowly got there. I have a million of those stories.
Your W. strikes me a lot like that. I think you’re doing about as well as anyone could. Really admirable. Most people underestimate how hard this can be on men. How’s your friend situation? That’s a real positive for me being here. I have some incredible friends, but that will dry up when I return home!
I can certainly relate to the vacuum incident. I used to feel that sense of anxiety when I had to deal with any kind of issue like that. I remember when our air conditioning broke down last summer, she came downstairs and got all snarky because I had just opened the windows, I informed her that the AC was down and she replied "Oh, and how did that happen?" I said "I have no idea, I just discovered it now" she says "so how much will this cost" I again, "I have no idea" and she says "do you have any ideas about anything?" Somehow, I should also be the AC expert You just become whipping boy for anything that comes up so you start becoming anxious when any little thing goes wrong! As far as friends, I have a number of really good friends too. While dealing with this M problem I made sure I built and maintained a support network outside of the home. I am trying to push myself to call more on people when I need a shoulder to cry on, it's a work in progress! I had dinner with my Dad last night and discussed these "rejection" feelings I'm having, he's also a good friend as well as my Dad. He told me that people don't intend to be uncaring they just get caught up in their own world and become less aware of others feelings. He also said that after the hurt that I've been dealing with it is pretty natural to have strong reactions to situations where you feel even slightly let down. He told me that he could understand how the Coffee Buddy hurt keeps coming back so intensely now and then, "she's been a support to you for over two years and now she's gone too" He told me that he would share his thoughts on CB because he never had done so with me before (he has met her). He said "Son, I think this woman cares deeply for you, despite what you are seeing and feeling right now. This friendship went further than she ever expected and now she's overwhelmed, she doesn't know what to do. She just knows she can't spend time with you right now. You need to do what you are doing and continue to respect her space, allow yourself to feel the hurt when it comes up and carry on" I tend to get all worked up when these strong feelings come over me about this or any other situation because it's not the norm. My therapist said ages ago "Whatis you handle this stuff so well that once in a while when something pops up that you don't expect you feel a sense of panic" It's true, I start to devalue my right to feel strongly about anything because, in my mind, I should be handling it! I once told CB that because of what I do for a living I have this somewhat unreasonable belief that I should be iron man, she said "Whatis, you're just a person, like the rest of us, dealing with a painful life situation and doing the best you can with what you've got" So that's my update for today. I'm off to W's house now to celebrate D13's 14 th BD! Later guys
Enjoy the birthday. Stay clear of the ISDs, "Improvised Spouse Devices": well concealed, you never know when and where one might detonate! I know you mentioned being a social worker, but it really is more difficult to do the "physician heal thyself" gig. What do you suppose makes them go into the Rotweiller attack mode and be so unreasonably aggressive toward us all the time over the AC or the vacuum? Was you W IMPOSSIBLE to resolve issues with? Sounds it. The anxiety always skyrockets!
Well, I'm still about to leave, I figure less time around the W right now, the better!She's sick but hopefully not too cranky! Now, why do they treat us like crap? Because they feel guilty, everytime they look at us they see their guilt, especially when we're still being caring, loving spouses. It drives them friggin nuts! So they lash out like crazy. At one point in the summer I stopped taking her crap and started lashing back. In one way, I felt kind of good cuz I wasn't taking her bs anymore but, on the other hand, it just created a very hostile and angry living environment for all of us, I remember telling her to "take the cable bill and shove it up your a$$" Again, it was my fault she didn't understand the cable bill "isn't it your job to make sure I understand these things?" Wow, is she friggin serious!!!! Yup, she sure was. So this kind of hostility between us is when I decided it was time to pull the plug, noone should be living this way. I think the sad thing is that when they act like Rotweillers we feel hated, when they toss us aside like garbage, we feel hated....It's not true, but that's sure how it feels. I've felt that now for so many years that in any other sitch that becomes my first emotional reaction. In the CB sitch I automatically think "why do you hate me", it's now a thought I have to combat in dealing with others because people don't hate me, even W didn't hate me...it's just how it feels when your head is all f@cked up! Lessons to learn, eh. OK, I really will go now! Gotta pick up Sushi for D's BD lunch. I will keep my eye out for any ISD's, but they can be anywhere, can't they
You know, Wii and FLTC, I am starting to understand my own H a little when I read about your sitches. I never understood how he could be afraid of me (I had huge anger issues, IMO, although pretty tame compared to your wives). I wasn't a nagger, and would have a blow-up on the odd occasion, usually with the kids, but I was quite blown away myself when he told me he was afraid of me. I couldn't figure it out, especially since I had started to work through my issues which caused my anger, and I was a lot calmer in the couple of years before the A. It's very strange to me, since he used to get really angry at the kids himself (more than me), and has a really loud voice, and he can nag and nag sometimes, and has very high expectations regarding me.
I can only assume it's because I don't frighten easy since I come from a family of fighters and arguers, whereas his family don't discuss anything too controversial and never argue. I seldom back down (although, I do now, if it's hardly worth the bother) from a confrontation. So, perhaps it's that trait that makes him a little afraid?
Quote:
"isn't it your job to make sure I understand these things?"
As for your W, Wii ... it's not our job to do anything in the M, other than what we choose to do. I do think men and women have different roles within the M, that would make it more harmonious if they choose to take on that role. But, teaching our spouses things like understanding a stupid cable bill is ridiculous, and she was obviously sucking it out of her thumb. Nitpicking, and stupid expectations, and nagging is not going to get anyone a good M, that's for sure. But, also being afraid to stand up for oneself, and being passive-aggressive (such as my H can be) will get one nowhere fast too.
I guess, you have a more objective viewpoint of your M, now that you are away from the continuous nitpicking, and other soul destroying events. Perhaps, you can learn now that you teach people how to treat you, and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I hope your W will be able to grow and learn too, but maybe it's just not her time to do so yet (if ever). Sad, really! I am so glad that I am over my anger issues. It's been quite a ride for me, but I found that when I let go of my past, and of my fears, all the other negative stuff followed. Not to say I don't get fearful, sad or irritated anymore, but it's way less than before, and never angry and aggressive, such as I used to do to protect my feelings. I think this is what your W does ... she attacks before she gets attacked, and now it's gotten to be a bad habit, and she probably doesn't even realise what she's doing.
Eh, I'm writing a freaking novel here. Anyway, just some thoughts, and I may be totally wrong in reading your sitch.
Your dad sounds like an awesome guy ... you are so lucky to have him.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
That's an excellent point, Being Me! We do need to teach people how to treat us, it's so hard when you've been fighting an uphill battle for so long, trying to hold on to any little thread and being willing to put up with crap in the hopes that somehow this will turn around. I probably don't know how to do it yet, and this is why I ask the questions I did earlier about the situations I was dealing with at church and with Coffee Buddy. How do you know where to draw the line? You must be flexible and understanding of others but, as in my M, it can become easy to just put yourself aside trying to be understanding and therefore giving people the impression that their behaviour is OK. I can't even fathom drawing that line right now because I get so emotional and reactive to things sometimes. I guess it will be a long term work project. Btw, I just returned from D's BD party at W's. W was a pleasure to be with and we all hung out together for the afternoon. I actually fell asleep on the couch and when I awoke W laughed and said "never a dull moment at this party, is there!" D loved her gifts, D10 bought her a number of things from the Dollar store (D10 loves the $ Store but D14 hates it!)but they were all very well thought out gifts and D14 was very appreciative. It was a nice afternoon, especially when I was awake!
As I recall, your W. has a graduate degree, so understanding the cable bill SHOULD NOT be like untying the Gordian knot! Is she kidding? DB tells you to "try different things if what you're doing is not working". I did the same thing as you when W. went into the Rottweiler mode, and it had the same effect as for you. It made it worse, and her anger became like a bottle rocket, escalating to new heights in seconds. Also, an "INJUSTICE COLLECTOR". June 06 when I was still at home, she brought up a litany of items in succession that "I didn't take the imitative for”. One of her big things...initiative. This was June 06. The first item on her list was how angry she was, and how she couldn't enjoy a drive across the country from one of my active duty stations, because I had packed my belongings in my SUV instead of having the Army ship them, and she couldn't lean back in the seat..... That was July 1987!
I like your breakdown of the why they behave this way....I could never have that kind of anger in me for any reason, except for someone hurting one of my kids.
You just become whipping boy for anything that comes up so you start becoming anxious when any little thing goes wrong!
