H is sick. He had S11 all weekend. I asked him to come home Sunday which is normally H's day with him but I had both. He wanted them tonite but I said only D8 because I haven't seen S11. Plus he stayed home today and went to the dr's because of this sickness - I want him to rest and the kids not to be near him. He NEVER goes to the dr's unless he is really hurting. But he'll think its other reasons I am sure. I invited H to dinner Sunday when he dropped off S11. He actually came! He thanked me and tried to clear the table but I told him he was sick and to sit down. He left and said he was going to bed. I felt it was a good deed. On the other note - I never have had much faith and this has really minimized it. I have always been an agnostic. But I do pray from time to time, not sure it does any good but I feel like I am talking to someone.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
D8 was home yesterday with me sick and today with H. He took his good time coming over this morning, to which I said nothing, but he told me I was ansy and a pain in the a. I ignored it. He said he would take her back to his house. I told him he was at his house. Had to get that in! I have my support group tonite. Can't wait, I enjoy them.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
I haven’t read all of your posts, but I was asked by a close friend to read the last few and give you some advice as she felt there were many similarities between you and I!
First of all, I’ll preface with the fact that I am a recovering crazymaker. Much like a recovering alcoholic would be recovering from alcohol – I’ll always crave it! I’ve worked through that, and after 4 years apart and a divorce in the mix I am now re-married to my WAH. It took a lot, but I can tell you that I am a whole new person when it comes to handling control and conflict.
So, having said that, can I ask you a couple of questions? (There’s the first, I guess!)
When you say that ‘he took his good time coming over’ and then mentioned that he thought you were antsy and a pain in the butt, how closely were the two related? Did you tell HIM that he took his good time? Or did he derive your thoughts from your mood?
This is important because this DB process is so much focused on ourselves. So if we can take an aspect of ourselves that may be sending negative energy and focus it into positive energy, we’re moving forward. To stay negative is to stay stuck.
SO. What if we spin it like this? Is there something positive about the interaction? Don’t say no! There is. The positive factor is that he came. He came over to take care of D8. I know, I know, he wanted to take her to his house and he was slow in coming and he seemed annoyed and whatever…but you can’t focus on that. You instead focus on the positive, telling yourself it is GREAT that he is coming to help. Then when he gets there, go all happy on his arse and say “Thanks! I really appreciate you helping out” and leave it. Don’t get into logistics about who lives in what house. Don’t get antsy. Just stay positive.
You mentioned being agnostic in your previous post. I’ll keep my own religious views out of this, but have you listened to the audio book, The Secret? I highly recommend it if you haven’t. I don’t find that I “pray” easily, but this audio book focuses a lot on the power of thought. For someone like me who doesn’t get much of a connection from prayer itself, it has done wonders. The author escapes my mind at the moment, but it’s the one recommended by Oprah.
Hang in there! It’s a process, not an event!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I said nothing, he derived it from my car running and me coming out in my coat to leave as soon as he got there. I wasn't going to say a thing, it is typical for him. I have made a point not to be negative to him. It isn't worth it anymore. But seems he still sees the right to come over and be miserable to me. He came over before xmas and flipped out over something stupid D8 said to him and ranted and yelled until I was in tears. It turned into me causing him 20 yrs of bad xmases. That was not right for him to say. He half apologized for it later but that doesn't make it right. Last night he came over and had an attitude again. When he is like that he will say and do things to purposely get my anger up. But I just ignore it. I will not fight him. He absolutely has no desire to get back together and come home.
For another thing I told him I would be able to take vac most of xmas but he would have to handle the last 3 days. Night before the first of them I asked him where the kids were going. He said I don't know. I wanted to flip but said nothing. So I asked him about the neighbor who had offered. He annoying said you call her then. Remember, this was the night before! I had to go to work the next day for the first time after xmas. So why can't I say anything when he shirks his duties??
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
oh yes, the "I was never happy" syndrome, alive and well at the 2nd moth of separation, my H also blamed me for all his problems at that stage. Same goes for the fact that they don't seem like they ever want to come back, it's text book, this doesnt' mean he won't change his mind 4mths from now.
About his duties, don't ask, if he agrees that he'll take care of it let him take care of it and let him sweat it out, don't ask questions, even if kids won't be doing what you ideally wish they'd be doing or staying at, let it be, it is his job and he'll have to do it without hoping you'll ask, get po'd and take care of it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Oh, by the way, I spent the last 2 days reading and finishing the care and feeding of husbands. Very good advise for the most part, some of it I disagreed with. She was a little too old school in some parts, acting like a wife is a slave to her husband, never to have an opinion but to only serve him. 1950's thoughts. But most was good advise. Reminded me of the one Michele Weiner-Davis wrote that I already read-Getting through to the man you love. Michelle's was much more involved though. Of course I am guilty as most of us our in doing many of the things mentioned. I have always said I am not perfect. But when we first separated I did my best to try and change many of those ways. But it seems those efforts were not enough. The damage in his mind is already done. Not to say that I have stopped working on myself, I have not. Even if he does not return I will continue for myself. I already feel better than I have in some time. I am starting 08 with an improved attitude. Wish me luck, I am going to need all the strengh in my power! And to that end I sat the kids down and talked to them as a family about how we all need to be more respectful to one another. I am going to be diligent about it.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
P.S. He came over today to take the kids to the park and was amazed that I had the tree down myself. Actually I took all the stuff down, D8 put the decorations away and S11 and his friend helped put the tree outside and the boxes upstairs ready for the attic. Teamwork at its best, I was so proud of our little accomplishment and he noticed! I even got him to re-hang my bedroom screen even though when I asked he said, like he always does, I am in a hurry. He always seems to be in a hurry these days. Probably in a hurry to get away from me more likely!!
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
I disagreed with. She was a little too old school in some parts, acting like a wife is a slave to her husband, ============== I also disagreed with some of her ideas (her rant against putting kids in daycare) but I did not get the slave vibe from what I read. I'm glad you did find some of it useful though. Glad you are starting the year with a new attitude. A lady from my old support group mentioned how when her H separated from her, after a while, she worked on herself, GAL, and she literally "bloomed" and her H was the one who begged her to come back. Now, not many WAS beg to be back, but my point is that she changed not to get him back but for herself, and it wasnt' just temporary, it was a lasting positive change.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Let me ask a question. On Thursday night I had to work - a home business show. It was with my neighbor. My kids were supposed to help after they ate with my H. My son showed up late to tell me my H's truck had broken down not far from the house and I was needed to steer as they pushed, which I did. Then I went back to the show. The tow truck came and took it away for svs. He stayed over Thursday night so I could take him to work Fri. The kids and I picked him up as well. Then he and S11 had their monthly hobby show so I let him take the car. He works Saturdays so he took my car home so he could go to work today. Apparently his fuel pump went so the bill is going to be high - $800 approx. Not sure if he even has it! But he hasn't asked me so I guess it will be his whole life savings. Anyway, some people are criticizing me for helping him at all. (I'm not that cruel!) He has been very gratful and keeps thanking me. I look at it as I may need him in the same situation one day. And I may need to use the truck for various things in the future. I have told him before you scratch my back and I will scratch yours. What do you think?
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
It was very kind of you to help your H when he needed it. You did good. Unless, of course, you have some sort of expectation that this will change your relationship in some way.
No matter what happens with your marriage, you and you H will be in each other's lives for a long time. It is best for your children to see you two being kind to one another.
I wouldn't be me if I didn't take you to task on the "you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" thing. I hope you didn't actually vocalize that. It just sounds controlling and not in line with just doing things because you are a good person. HSS, never do things with the expectation of having the favor returned. That sentence just really bothered me, as I can imagine it would your husband too. If saying something like that is "more of the same" from you, I hope you will work on just being kind and leaving it at that. Some day you may not want to go out of your way for him, and that will be o.k. too. Just do what is in your heart (with no expectations) and you cannot go wrong.
Take Care, Pam
P.S. I never mocked you. I was just trying to help, and I just don't think that my style worked for you. Cat seems more like what you need. She is saying a lot of things that I would say, too...she just wraps it all in a lot more gentleness than I did. I really do hope the best for you.
