Thank you Becca for coming and posting. Of everyone here you know you're the one I relate to the most.
This really is about Frank. And I don't control her, maybe she leaves, maybe not. One of my best friends of 22 years said she seems like she is a bit 'high maintenance' since she expects that I can carry her through tough times, but she cannot carry me.
He gave me some examples of how his Wife has supported him during some difficult times he went through when he was unemployed for 8 months. I listened and I realized what real 'support' looks like and I can allow myself to say that my wife was not truly supportive - because support means to TAKE ACTION.
His example: He was stuck, drinking, playing video games and basically not doing anything to find a job because his self esteem was in the crapper. She basically sits him down with a notepad and some ideas on places they could live where he could find a job, and they start coming up with the pro's and con's of these places. She helps put together an 'action plan' and they start moving towards a goal.
He was resistant at first, but she was enthusiastic and wasn't going to let him just walk away from the discussion. Then SHE followed up with some of the actions needed.
This is so much in sync with the stuff I posted yesterday about people who get stuck in anxiety and how they need to be shown that they DO have some control over their life so they can pull themselves out of it.
This did NOT happen with us. She would ask me 'so how are you doing on project x?' which of course I wasn't doing ANYTHING on because I was stuck. She thought she was helping but it just reminded me of how messed up I was. she would offer suggestions but she never 'took control' except to 'take control of her life' by choosing to bail out when it got too unhappy.
Maybe we are a bad match. I'm not sure any more. I know that to a certain extent we, as men, should be able to be the leader, and in our strength as much as possible as 'alpha males' but my friend said to me that that's all well and good, and he and I are pretty tough guys most of the time, but he says that sometimes EVERYONE needs real support to pull out of their down period, especially people like us who 'think too much'.
I can't depend on her for that. She doesn't seem to want to grow up in that way, she 'waits for me to fix myself' and then if enough time goes by she bails.
I have to grow up now. I've been trying to find ways to take most of the blame, but as AmyC says, it's "50/50". It's been hard for me to see that because I think I should have been stronger. But I've been living in fear - that I'll do something wrong and she'll leave me. How is that healthy?
She is still the hurt little girl, and I can't hold on to her if I'm going to not drown also.
This is hard. I need a lot of support and like Becca says, I need to talk myself through this by talking about me.
