Living together as semi-polite strangers

[mishka422]

Gin,

You are absolutely right. I feel such relief that he in not in the house and I am seeing things in a much more positive light. I find myself in the evening having the hardest time though. I lay down in bed and my mind starts to race with all the what if's.

What if this is all I will ever have?

What if I never have another R again?

What if my son doesn't want a R with his father once he really understands what he has done? (this is what my H sisters did to their dad after he cheated and got D from their mom after a 30yr marriage - of course he was abusive too)

All the what if's pile up on me in the still of the night. I turn on my radio and listen to beautiful Christian music and God (and a little ambien) puts my mind at peace.

Pray for peace in your heart and soul. It really helps and is a prayer God always answers with a "yes". It may not be immediate but it is there.

I told my family that I honestly think all of this was part of God's infinite plan for my life and His correction to a mistake in judgment of someone that I made in my youth. I did not date extensively in high school and I think the flattering attention paid to me by my H pushed me to create more than I probably should have. I'm not saying that there was not true and absolute love in our M but I think it has always been more one sided.

Men are famous for responding to the women in their lives who express their displeasure at not being romanced any longer once they are M with, "I don't need to do that anymore. I've got you now." I always joked with my H that he had me but he had to keep me too. He always laughed but there was always something tentative in the way he did. Like he knew I was right and that he wasn't treating me with the kind of respect and love that he had when we were dating and engaged. I think he is just such a damaged person himself that he didn't know how to go about changing that.

Gin, you have been dealing with this bomb for so much longer than I have but just because the words weren't spoken by him until early December doesn't mean the feeling wasn't there and being expressed in other ways long before that. I'm sure the tension you have felt in your M for so long has almost overwhelmed you at times. I'm glad to hear that you are letting that all go and moving on.

I have no idea how this whole D thing is going to work out. We don't own anything (rented house, loan on one car and the other is paid for, credit card bills and no other expensive toys that could be sold for profit) so no fighting over house or anything like that. I think the biggest bone of contention is going to end up being money. I don't think he's going to fight me for custody at all. He'll want visitation but I'm going to have to put my foot down about weekend visits. An autistic child, no matter their age, can not be made to continually move between environments and be thrown into situations that make them feel out of place. My son will not tolerate well being placed into the home of the OW in her son's room that he only gets to stay in every other weekend because she doesn't have custody of him. It could regress all the progress we've made in the last few years. My H is all about hanging onto what is his (material things). He put in the D papers child support because it is required by law and GA has a strict formula. He of course didn't put in alimony of any kind. That is what he's going to fight most.

I'm going to let him have his D but not without fighting for myself and my son and making sure this does not damage him any further than it already is.

As much as I wish things had gone differently with my H, I don't want him back. I feel so relieved to know that I don't have to try to balance him and make excuses for him to everyone I know anymore.

I am really impressed by all the strong men and women here who are standing for their M's. You are pilars of strength. I just think that your M's were probably in much better places at some point than mine ever truly was.

The heartache will remain, probably forever at some level, but it will lessen and I will find new things to fulfill me without feeling like I need someone else to help do that.

Looking forward to a bright and happy tomorrow!

Michelle