Real growing and healing

[Becca1975]

Ok Frank, I've spent the better part of an hour reading and I admit, I've had to skim some because I had some catching up to do.

My time is limited at the moment, it is 8:30 and my kids are begging for food. I'll add to this after I've had some time to digest some of it...but a couple of things i wanted to point out.

You and I both DB'd. We both DB'd successfully. How's that? Your marriage was saved. Mine was not. But...I was saved.

You spent so much time trying to save the marriage and holding her above water, that you let go of yourself. You know the metaphor, you and I have discussed it before. You cannot save a drowning person if you, yourself are drowning. You HAVE to save yourself first and then go back for her.

Frank, you are worn out and exhausted. In my (non medical) opinion, you don't need anti-anxiety meds, you need PEACE in your life.

Remember, right before your W agreed to stay and work on the marriage...we were discussing things you could do? Changing your bedroom up to things FRANK likes! Changing the bedding to something more masculine.....not for W, for FRANK.

You have GOT to pull yourself out of this. You have to let her go for right now, because you'll drown both of you if you don't. Let her go. Let go of her expectation of finances. Let go of her expectations of happiness. She's right in one thing, you have to grow and find happiness, regardless of what the other person is doing. What she is doing right now is essentially what you need to do also.....go on and be happy by yourself. Not without her.....but realizing that you aren't in control of how she feels. You aren't in control of her destiny. You are in control of FRANK. She can choose to be happy, to be in love with you, etc. Or she can choose not to. You aren't in the place to be making that decision right now though. It is all about Frank. If you feel alone, find people. Find people who can nurture you. Believe it or not, I know your feeling of alone-ness. I've been alone all my life too. When I 'saved' myself by DBing, everything finally fell into place, I healed my old emotional wounds (most of them) and I learned about how relationships worked. I worked hard on figuring out who I was and accepting that person. And suddenly......I was surrounded by more love and friends than I could have ever imagined. See....I was always alone by choice, because I never let people in. Plus, I found the wrong people to hang out with when I did try. I stopped trying to impress people into being my friends and just accepted the ones that did come along, didn't care so much about what they thought of me, and low and behold, those friendships deepened and I've become the one that most of them come to for advice.

No...I don't know it all. I learn every day. Just today, reading your posts, I saved some links, some info...so I can go over it a few times, but already can see some benefit. More puzzle pieces clicking into place.

Your W cannot be held responsible for your happiness. In a perfect world, she'd be able to nurture, but for whatever reason, she can't.

Frank, you've made and lost more money than most of us will ever see in a lifetime...and you'll do it again, because you are a freaking genius. You are amazing. Your intelligence is unrivaled and the warmth in your heart....you are one of a kind and a very rare breed, you just have to SEE YOUR OWN VALUE.