A big {{{hug}}} for you for being such a loving father. I really wish you and other good dads (and kids) didn't have to go through this. I know how painful it feels.
So, how much do you get to see the children? How often do they stay with you? Do try to get as much custody as you can. Make sure you get to watch them as often as possible. In fact, offer to take them whenever possible. Mention to your W that you realize how hard it is to be a single mom (use empathy and make it sound like you are doing her a favor!), and you'd be happy to take the kids so she can go out and do something special for herself (even if it is with OM. That's okay... hopefully they'll get sick of each other..). This will help you in court. It will show you are a great dad and help insure you get a good amount of custody. Also, make sure you document all this as well.
You definitely need to dump joint accounts, credit cards, etc... She needs to know what divorce will feel like and that this is going to make a big financial impact on her life. Also, this will help you financially if the divorce does go through. You need her existing on a reasonable amount of money. When she sends one of her emails complaining about this just be super syrupy nice and say something like, "I'm really sorry, but this is something we need to do for the divorce. This will help it go through more quickly...." Anything that makes it sound like you are doing this to actually HELP her (hee hee!!!!). Anytime my husband got angry and blamed me about stuff like this I'd apologize, say I'm really sorry, but I know this will help us move this thing along (even if it didn't, and I was actually doing everything I could to stall the divorce as much as possible). Another thing is to blame the attorney. "I'm sorry, but my attorney told me I need to.... and I have to take his advice. That's what we're paying these guys for."
Another thing, is when my husband would complain about things taking so long or what my attorney was doing or whatever I'd just say.... "Hey, don't worry. In six months this will all be over. It will be okay. Life will be great.... blah blah blah." Always try to make everything sound like you are doing it for them. And also, doing it because you want her to be happy and you know this divorce is going to make both of you happier, (well... you and I know it isn't the answer, but she'll just have to figure that one out on her own while you are 100 steps ahead).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
