Hi Bobbijo-- I thought about you today because your H and your situation really and truly mirror mine- time frame for affairs and all. My husabnd claimed to have had one issue of infedelity in 2002 (yet I only found out in 2005 and that is after we moved to a new place and I was unpacking and a box of condoms fell out of his pocket). He fessed up only after he had been busted. He did the same thing your H did (we should just seperate, you will never trust me again, why do you want to be with me). Besides my strong feelings about marriage I could not have left if I wanted to (no job, no money, kid, pets). H will not admit it, but I believe affair happned in 2005 and not 2002. He said 2002 because he figured the damage would be less if it was years ago. Anyway in summer of 2005 he was distant, intamacy started slipping and he started staying out later under the guise of "softball". We never did counseling I was just a blubbering mess until things blew over. Fast forward to 2007. I was seeing those same behaviors, but this time he would not admit affair. I don't know for a fact if he is or was cheating, but I do know that I was not willing to become the same shell of a woman I was before. No way, no how. I asked him to leave and he did. I do get "I still love you and will always love you", but I got the same " I have not been happy for a long time" speech. Our H's seem to mirror eachother in many ways. I would get those same calls and texts when H was out late. H goes out of his way now to tell me where he is or who he is going to be with (now I would be a fool to think he was telling me all, but still some effort on his part). I say all this to say that DB will start to work just give it time. At first it feels really contrived. When I started to go dark and GAL it felt forced because really and truly I am a family person so for me my life is my H and my kid. My H was my best friend. We started out as best friends so that was who I hung out with long before we were married. I had to make new friends. At first I had to fight the urge to call and ask questions, now most of the time I don't bother. Trust me you will get to a point where you will take not only a long hard look at yourself, but also your H as well. YOu will find yourself eventually asking do I want H back. If you decide to take him back he will think twice before treating you as a doormat and if he does you will be able to walk away. You will find that staying in your marriage will have to do more with your convictions regarding keeping your family in tact and believing in marriage than it has to do with keeping H. I know this because H came over for an hour alone and I had no desisre to go down and talk about H. I know this because on Friday night I did not ask him what he was doing, but he did ask me (I told him nunya). I know this because H called me last night when he went to the ER (did not do a follow up call toady). I know this because H plays more lovingly than before. Now it could be his attempt to establish a friendship so that if and when we D we can still remain friends. I am hopeful that it is because he is trying to work his way back, but the difference is the more time that we are apart the more I feel that I will be prepared if D happens. You will get there. You are doing well so keep it up.
