Long and Bumpy Road #3

[Mom of 2 2B]

Ok, so I'm going to try this again. So frustrating b/c I really liked my last response before it got dumped! I think I had some kind of spyware virus b/c something took over my computer so I had to hurry up and log out. This post isn't as good as the 1st one (re-dos never are!).

I haven't had time to read your entire thread but what I think you're asking me about is whether I had similar feelings of desperation, panic, etc. between bomb and delivery. Definitely yes. But it didn't last long b/c H delivered bomb at week 32 (2 days after I got out of the hospital after 3 weeks) and I had them at week 34. But I was a mess- these are my first babies and I was concerned about how I was going to make it all work even with his help, much less on my own. JennyF is right- you'll find strength you didn't know you had. Try to focus on the day to day- I've found throughout life that the anticipation of stress, hard times, etc. is often worse than the actual event. I've had some really rough days- read my post from the Sun morning when he had the movers come to see just how low I've sunk- and I'm not a huge subscriber to the theory that it will all be better once the baby(ies) comes. There are times when I get sad that this sitch (i.e. HE) has gotten in the way of bonding with my babies. But I'm trying hard not to be resentful. Accept any and all offers of help and don't be afraid to ask for it- since you are divorced and pregnant your sitch is probably pretty out in the open as opposed to those of us who haven't told anyone (which makes the isolation worse and offers of help scarce).

With regard to whether you should accept his offers of help, I say yes. I was really resentful that my H was offering to grocery shop, take care of hte dog, etc. at first b/c I thought it was his way of assuaging his guilt without having to own up to what he had done. And I think to some extent that is true. I really wished I could have done it without him. But accepting his help was a) necessary (I was on bedrest the entire 2 weeks and shouldn't have even been alone much less doing all I was doing like preparing my own meals, etc.) b) required us to have some contact, which allowed me to DB (eventually) and get things started on a better foot, c) allowed him to show his better side (and therefore allowed me to show genuine appreciation). For example, he could have just gotten me a bunch of tv dinners at the grocery store, but he took the time to select the particular type of apples I like, etc. This helps me to act "as if." d) allowed me to show that I need him, which was one of his complaints (I am very independent and probably don't NEED him per se with regard to day to day or financially, but I definitely WANT him in my life and if it were up to me, I'd rather be wanted than needed).

With regard to wanting emotional support and not some dang groceries, you're going to have to face the fact that he is unwilling/unable to provide that right now. I fully understand- I'll order pizza every meal if it means I get the emotional support I"m craving from H. But it's not going to happen. I'm letting my H do things for me (and now the babies) b/c I need the help and I'm also hoping that it can lead to some emotional support eventually. I say accept as much as he is willing to give, let him know how his efforts could best assist, but don't push if he isn't willing to do exactly what you want. For example, there's one aspect of the care that my H isn't providing (overnight help) that really frustrates me. He'll come for 7 hours on a SAt and feel like he spent all day, but that may cover 2 feedings and it's during the middle of the day when what I really need is help overnight (which he isn't willing to do- still unsure why). I've told him several times and made it very clear, but he just won't do it, so I've stopped asking. Part of our sitch is that he thinks I'm controlling (and he's probably right) so I'm trying to "do something different" by backing down.

I'm going to have to run. I hope I've addressed the main things you were looking for- if there is something else please post on my thread b/c my time is really limited due to have 2 mouths to feed and I can't spend much time on this site! Good luck and I"ll be thinking of you.

MO2