Living together as semi-polite strangers

[Punktmann]

Mishka,

The more I look at the last few years of our lives together the more I realize how unhappy I have been myself. I had turned into a shell of the woman I once was. I lost all my self-confidence and could not really laugh at anything. I had become cynical and pretty depressed about most things in general.

This is a very productive insight. Be cautious about blame, that word really IS a double edged sword leading to anger. It is what it is.

There is a difference between knowing and KNOWING.

That is my sitch to a T. I've known this for a long time now. I've also known for a long time now that this is about her, and there is nothing I can do to change it or control it.

But I didn't KNOW it until just recently.

Understanding that insight is the first step.

Very shortly you will KNOW, or internalize it inside, it will bring you a measurable amount of peace and detachment.

You will be at that place when you care, but aren't upset. Where you know he is acting foolish, but you don't make efforts to impact his thoughts or actions. Where you know that he is making a mistake he will regret, and aren't thinking, "boy I hope you are miserable." Where your anger at what is left to you and your son still smoulders a bit, but you don't make those little (or big,) conversational digs. When you can still be truly cheerful inside and out even though he acted like an a$$ about something.

It's still gonna hurt a little, but...

You're gonna love it here.

I wish you a speedy journey.

I am pretty sure I don't ever want him back. I don't think I could ever find a way to trust him again after knowing he has been lying to me about so many things (big and small) for so many years.

Only you can decide when you are done. Not your friends, home or here, not family, and esp not H. There is a ton about your sitch that no-one knows but you and H. This decision is yours and yours alone. Truly you have control over this.

I'm not trying to change your mind, but there is no hurry to make a final decision. They will distance themselves, we don't need to do it. If leaving again or the D is a boundary for you, and he does it, then so be it. You are in control over the point of no return, but there is no sense in rushing a decision on where that point is. Make that decision from a place of peace.

While he is gone, it is time to look to yourself and your son, and your lives.

People talk about working on themselves here. It is so easy to unconsciously misconstrue that as "with an eye towards the R/M." It's not. It's about what you refered to above, your self-esteem. W/o him.

I too don't know how to go about rebuilding that trust, or getting rid of the remaining resentment and anger. But that is putting the cart before the horse. We may not have to worry about how to do that, because the need may not arise. Don't borrow worries that you may not need.

Now is a good time to redirect your energy away from him and HIS issues.

A good direction for me was away from her issues, and towards rebuilding my self and self-esteem.

If you can get to a gym, many here will attest to the fact that exercise is cathartic and really helps. Endorphins are under-rated.


Many of the people who are posting to you have been through the wringer themselves, successfully or not, or not yet, M wise. They stay here b/c they know they can help, and they remember when they needed it themselves.

I wouldn't stop posting and lurk. This place is a truly anonymous support group where you can say anything, unlike real-world friends and family. The people here have walked a mile in your shoes, and can really relate. Maybe you'll want to move to a different forum like surviving, or D but not done, but this is a great place to vent and get real world responses from people who have been there, done that, and have the T-shirts. IC's are great, but I think there is value in sharing with people who are in the same boat. (Why else would IC's set up support groups?)

Wish you the best.


Punk