I had a breakthrough the other day, that is, after a long pleasant conversation over a romantic (whoops! I said the “R” word) dinner for our 15th anniversary my wife let out a bit of information that has given me a foothold in making change. It is a difficult foothold to stand on, however. She basically said that she feels we are out of sync in terms of our spiritual connection and that the differences in our core values is too great for her to feel that connection, which she needs to feel attracted to me. She says that often when we have a deep philosophical or academic discussion (non-confrontational) that she feels more attraction for me, not quite enough to feel sexual but more than on a typical day. She also offered (on her own!) that she understands that I am a physical person and is sorry that I am not getting nearly what I need in terms of intimacy. The fact that we even talked about it was a huge step although during the conversation I felt sick to my stomach because I knew the it could have led to a split up if I wasn’t extremely careful with my words.
Her personality and belief system has changed considerably since we got married. We both used to be very conservative and religious, I a bit more than her. We both have become a lot less conservative; she is almost as far opposite where we were when we got together as she could be (oddly the one area she is still quite conservative is in terms of sexuality...it just kills me!). Her belief system has done a 180 degree reversal but I haven’t kept up with the speed of her “evolution”. I’d say I’m lagging about 5-8 yrs behind. At the current natural rate of progress, I’ll never catch up and she will fly off into space without me.
So folks, here’s the deal: Can I change my core values out of love for my wife to allow a more harmonious relationship? There really is no guarantee that she will be more interested in building a closer relationship but I feel it is a pretty solid investment. Unfortunately, to begin with, in her “enlightened” view of the world, marriage is an antiquated tradition that has little positive reasons for existence. That’s a big problem because I value our relationship/marriage above all other possible things in life and a exuberant sex life along with it. She says she could be just fine if the human race gave up sex tomorrow and she had to go without for the rest of her life. My opinion is quite the opposite. I start losing my sanity after a month, a week or two I get antsy.
It still seems bizarre that you could admire, respect, appreciate, care for someone that you’ve committed your life to and yet not feel attraction to. Basically, if we were to meet each other at the stages we are at now there is no way we would get together. On one hand, this at least gives me a reason to contemplate why she feels little connection. On the other hand what she is essentially compelling me to change is possibly such a central part of who I am that it may not be possible to accelerate the necessary change to catch up with her. I did tell myself that if there was ANYTHING I could actively do to improve our intimate relationship I would absolutely put effort into it. But is it even possible to change one’s core values by shear will and force of decision? Certainly I can try to have a more open mind about the issues she cares about; that’s easy but to actually say, ok I don’t believe that anymore, I believe this...Very tall order, y’all. Also tied in with this is the level of conservativeness in my family is about 50 years behind and how do I really want my kid to be raised?
Could I fake it for the sake of us and still live with myself? I really need some help from y’all on this one.
