Walked out after 9 years

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyone, can anyone help, I'm so lost and confused. My partner of 9 years has just walked out of my life suddenly. I am 37 nearly and my partner is 34. His dad died 2 1/2 years ago.

We lived together for 8 years and known each other 12. It was love at first sight for him and he was always devoted to me. He lacked confidence though and would say stuff like I was a "fantastic catch" and was always willing to go along with what I wanted alot of the time. I tried to get him to be more confident and assertive as I didnt like him lacking confidence. Looking back though, I always felt 100% secure with him and and was very confident in myself. I loved and supported him alot though, through a Masters, through his Dads illness and then death, helped him to move away, which we did over a year ago.

Last June he suddenly became withdrawn. He said things like "I've been unhappy since I was a kid, I've always been a people pleaser and have never been good at sticking up for myself..I have been thinking about me for the first time in my life and what I want". He didnt say anything about me and him, only that he was "tired". In September he admitted he wasnt sure we had a future together and wanted to go away to think about it, without interference as he felt it was his decision to make by himself. When I have since asked him why he was never honest about being unhappy since June he said he didnt say anything because hes "weak" and I'd have been able to persuade him to try again, but whats the point? It'd only have been false hope.

He then broke his wrist a week later and he came home and I cared for him for 5 weeks, but he didnt want to talk about anything. We got on fine, we havent had a single argument and have always been best friends. He was still withdrawn though and unaffectionate. Our sex life improved since the summer, by being more frequent and passionate. He went back to work and after 3 weeks came home and announced "I dont love you anymore, my feelings have changed for good and I'm leaving you". I was so terribly shocked and heartbroken. He said that he wanted to be on his own, he couldnt explain or give me reasons, other than this was the right thing for him. He said I know its selfish and its the opposite of what you want, but I'm 100% sure this is right for me. I'm absolutely certain. He said he had more confidence now where he didnt have any before. He said that he just wants to "draw a line under it and move on, put the past behind me". When I asked if bereavement had clouded his mind, he said no, quite the opposite, it had given him clarity as "my Dad was unhappy all his life" and that yes, he's aware he is halfway through his life, but he'd not been thinking of that. He also said he wasnt depressed and isnt going to just snap out of it.

I'm posting becuase its been 2 months more now and I'm not ok. It was such a shock, everyone who knew us has said we had a
"lovely" relationship and that its clear we adored one another. We never argued. I had an affair 4 years ago, not consumated, but I had confessed and he moved out for 5 months and we talked and worked through it and he forgave me. He had a one night stand after that and I forgave him. We hadnt mentioned these issues again and he says now that they're not why hes left, he had forgiven me and thats all in the past. He said its just that his feelings have changed. He says things like, "these things happen, not all love lasts forever" and that hes grown up and changed. When I ask him how, he says his feelings have changed.

He cannot identify anything I've done to cause this, in fact he repeatedly says "this is all my doing, I really dont think it has anything to do with you, how you behaved or the way you are, please dont blame yourself or beat yourself up". When I tried to talk through issues he would get frustrated and say he cant bear to hear me say things to blame myself or to hear me say sorry.

After 2 weeks of this, with occasional great sex, he then moved out, which was 7 weeks ago. He continued to take my calls and texts up until Christmas. He would cry if I cried and say how terrible and bad and sad and guilty he felt. He said he couldnt bear to hear me so upset and hated himself and thinks that he is a "sh*t" for hurting me, but says that he has made his decision. The last time he met me he said he felt so awkward and guilty he couldnt handle speaking to me, selfish as that was. He couldnt look at me and left in under an hour saying he would call me sometime. That was 2 weeks ago and we havent spoken since. Over the past 2 months he looked awful, tired, stressed out and he seemed unhappy. He turned down invitations over the holidays and wanted to be alone. Hes been working hard, doing long hours.

I dont understand how someone can go from being your best friend and life partner to this. It feels so cruel. I guess there were issues, but he has repressed them to the point that, as he said, its like he "woke up", that he "snapped", but he says he cant explain why and hes sorry that he doesnt have any answers.

The only thing he did come up with was that our relationship wasnt balanced for the first 6 years...like he was always chasing me, and he says its like "hes lost sight of what it was he was chasing." I can see that I was strong and confident, and I guess I didnt really listen to him effectively..which meant that I had more control for the first 5/6 years. This switched around when he had the one night stand and was then bereaved not long after. Since then I guess its been me making all the effort.

I dont know what divorce busting is, but everyone told me to stop contacting him, so I havent since 1st January. Anyone out there..any ideas? What can I do? Is this it, over for good?

THank you so much, I have been feeling very desperate.