Wife in Major MLC...Looking to Vent

[JMC]

Personally I see nothing gained from confronting the OM, or continually bringing it up. My understanding is that doing so drives our spouses further into the A.

Ironically, it was one year ago tonight that I uncovered my W's PA. She came home at 3:30 am after what I was told was going to be a dinner with a woman friend of ours who is married.

She said that would be the last time she ever saw him. She gave me his first name. I found a card in her purse and got the last name and found him listed in her contact list. She had been calling him since mid-Oct '06, and according to my daughter is still seeing him now.

Not meaning to steal the thread, but I guess my experience anyway was that I did not confront OM and WAW never admitted to having an A after she moved out.

Whatever the case, my tactic obviously did not work.

I did read up on affairs and learned that they are creatures of fantasy powered by lust(an unsustainable emotion), usually last from 1-2 years, rarely result in marriage and when they do result in a divorce rate over 85%.

I have read similar statistics. Though I thought Michelle mentions somewhere that A's typically last 6 months. Anyway, my W is now 1+ yrs with this guy (there have been others and a long-distance EA as well).

In his mind our marriage was already over before he came along. I don't know how much of this was from W's convincing and how much was self deception on his part.

Bottom line to me is that people who engage in relationships of any kind with married people are simply making a mistake. I never watch Dr. Phil, but happened to be hostage to the TV one time and heard him say that "relationships that start in chaos, typically end in chaos." I believe this statement would support the 85% divorce rate sited by Sleeper.

[sleeper]

JMC,

I hear what you are saying. They say interference does drive them together, but it also shatters their secret fantasy world and puts pressure on their relationship. The idea being that the tenuous connection they have can't stand up to the pressure very long.

It's interesting that both of us chose not to interfere and our W's are still involved 1 yr later with OM. Can't help but wonder how might it have been different if we had interfered when it started. From our present sitch looking back, it couldn't have hurt.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It's interesting that both of us chose not to interfere and our W's are still involved 1 yr later with OM. Can't help but wonder how might it have been different if we had interfered when it started. From our present sitch looking back, it couldn't have hurt.

Sleep,

You don't know that.

From my experience, verbally attacking the OM, gave them more common ground.

Your wife is still in MLC right? As long as she is the OM is a symptom of it.

Giving my blessing (sarcastically) "I cannot think of two peole who deserve each other more, or whose morals fit better." Well, the funny part is how much that upset her.

[JMC]

Your wife is still in MLC right? As long as she is the OM is a symptom of it.

I suppose this is why we simply have to lovingly detach, act as if and GAL. Easier said than done, but I am working on it.

[sleeper]

Jack,

I know she's still "messed up" (her words). Truth is she has seriously thought about coming back a couple of times in the past year. I'm glad she didn't because I believe she would have run back to the tunnel and I don't want her back til she's done, if I want her at all.

I wasn't refering to speaking to her to stop the affair. I was referring to doing other things, mostly putting pressure on him. She's just a piece of a** to him and she knows it. She has told me there is no affection between them, gift he bought her (phone) has no sentimental value. Trips he takes her on cost him nothing as he is the pilot. I have never seen them hold hands, kiss, etc. He hasn't repaired anything at the house for her and won't eat at her place because it would, "be a sign of commitment" (his words). Early on she told me he is the only one that has asked her out. She has always been the pursuer in their relationship. By now, nobody would ask her out because everyone assumes they are a couple. He's all she's got. How sad.

[JMC]

Sleeper,

This is very similar to my sitch as well. In addition to not only having a A, my MLC-WAW was the OW in the A. Clearly, as you suggest, she was a piece of a$$ to this guy. I did some snooping and confronted her with this info this past Sept. to which she stated it was easy to get involved with someone where there would be no commitment. How sick is that? The ironic thing is now there is commitment as the OM has evidently dumped his girlfriend.

[sleeper]

JMC,

If I may suggest, there can be no real commitment as long as she is still married to you. I think that's part of the attraction for some of these folks. They go for a married person because they want no commitment and it is insurance that there can be none.

I have to confess I have experienced this first hand. One decade ago I was seperated from my first wife. I met a woman out of town at a bar. She told me she was also seperated. A booty call relationship ensued. I wanted no commitment as I was coming out of a marriage and recently burned. How could there be when we were both still legally married? When my divorce was final it changed the dynamics. She made one comment,"So now you're all mine?" That hit me like a bolt of lightening on many levels. One was it made me realize the reality of what I was doing, the fantasy was over. Second, the commitment I was not ready for was now possible. Third, she was still married with children involved and I was not going to be party to preventing the possibility of her and her H reconciling. I ended the relationship.

[JMC]

If I may suggest, there can be no real commitment as long as she is still married to you. I think that's part of the attraction for some of these folks. They go for a married person because they want no commitment and it is insurance that there can be none.

Good points Sleeper, and thanks for your experience in the matter.

Back to the original question about confrontation. In my case I did a lot of snooping (email and phone records only). She found out as I blabbed to a mutual friend (a woman who was a long-time friend of hers) who told her that I was monitoring her. Anyway, prior to finding that out W used to call from time-to-time and mention getting together (up until we sold our home in late June she would come over and spend weekends).

My point is that my snooping might be considered a form of confronting them. Regardless, since she found out she has gone further away.

[sleeper]

JMC,

No doubt her finding out about your "snooping" pushed her away. I don't think it was considered confrontation, though. Mlcers are allergic to anything that looks like control over them. W probably saw that as you trying to control her to some degree even if it was just the control of knowing what she was doing. They hate that.



Also, when the bomb drops and they move out, it is natural to believe that will be the low point and it will get better from there. That is not the case. Don't feel bad that your relationship with your W is worse now than when you seperated.

Think of it like someone becoming ill. When they leave the house to go to the hospital they're pretty ill and its pretty bad, but once they are in the hospital they often get sicker before they get better and later come home. When your W left she was sick, but she has gotten worse (reduction in contact w/you). She may get sicker before she gets better.

I now understand why people told me "it's gonna get worse" when we first seperated. At the time I couldn't see how it was possible for "it" to get worse, but it has. W went from I want a divorce before seperation, to I just want to seperate during seperation back to I want a divorce and now I think she's not sure as she has pursued no further action since she filed in August.(one court date passed, no additional one set)

I also now undertand why people told me to determine what outcome I wanted and go for it no matter what happened. If you take your cues from your W, you are doomed to failure from the beginning.

[JMC]

All good points Sleeper. Thanks for the input.