I agree with the general points and ideas in your last post. I would point out that I do not believe that our spouses are "withholding sex" in the sense that it appears that most of our spouses have no desire for sex and are likely totally turned off or disgusted by the thought of having to engage in any form of sexual contact.
Essentially, they have no sexual feelings to give and therefore can not be withholding intimate contact because there is none to give. I for one am not interested in intimate contact with my wife if she is feeling like vomitting every time we have sex. On the one hand,she can't help her feelings and on the other hand, I can't help having my needs.
Difficult isn't it? Particularly when you are struggling to maintain a marriage where tradition doesn't permit intimate contact outside the marriage, yet there is no intimate contact inside the marriage.
I'm afraid for many of us there is no satisfactory answer - the reality would seem to be that both spouses will live in some degree of frustration/misery for as long as they stay within the traditonal boundaries of marriage.
Speaking from the perspective of an individual that has had virtually no sexual contact with the wife for five years or so, it is extremely difficult to be truly happy in a non sexual relationship. I agree that Michele should write a book on helping spouses like us develop appropriate coping mechanisms to deal with the reality of our situation - that is our sex life at age 40 (give or take a few years) is probably over forever.
Michele's book on the "Sex Starved Marriage" is great if the partner has a willingness or the ability to try and deal with the situation, but I know that my wife has no ability to change. In my case, my wife has indicated that her sex drive is over forever and will never return. I don't know if your wife has been so blunt, but it would seem that you could be in a similar situation. Putting Michele's book, the "Sex Starved Marriage" in front of her (no matter how subtly arranged) would be like saying "I didn't understand what you meant when you said that bit about no sex ever for any reason - so lets start that sex fight again". The next six months of life would again be a cold barron existence of silence and hostility. I can't go there yet again. I really hope that Michele can help us in this regard as there appear to be many of us in the same boat.
Anyway, sorry to be so bleak, but I just can't see the situation any other way if your wife has entirely lost her sex drive and does not believe that she will ever be able to regain it. LR.
