I’ve been reading everyone’s posts but haven’t been able to bring myself to contribute. There have been a lot of good ideas flying around though. Like FredD, I’ve been at a total loss about any ideas to improve my relationship with wife so I’ve just given up on trying. That doesn’t seem to be helping much either. Who knows?
In general, I think your plan is pretty sound. Accepting the fact that you might not ever have sex again or very little is a very hard pill to swallow. Deciding that you are willing to let your needs be ignored because you love your wife so much is commendable. I’m not sure that I have the same fortitude to be on hold for an undetermined amount of time. Your plan is likely to be successful in making your wife happy--she will get the low or no sex marriage she has been wanting. She’ll probably be relieved and think “finally! He’s quit needing sex!”. You may even get lucky every now and then, which, unfortunately will only remind you of how wonderful sex is and make you ache for it until the next time---some unknown distance in the future.
I’m sorry I may be sounding less than totally positive here. I’m projecting my own frustration and sexual stalemate upon your situation. I do think that in the short term (say 2-8 months) your plan will help you to survive. At least you are thinking that you won’t be having sex. This may sound strange for some but having hope (say even for a weekend at the beach or something) is the worst thing for your own sanity. Don’t let a coy smile or flirtation from her fool you into thinking “there’s hope tonight!”. Don’t get excited about getting some until you’re actually getting it. Do everything in your power to resist initiating. If she asks why your sex drive has dropped off (it would be great if she actually got to the point of curiosity), tell her calmly that it is stronger than ever but that you’ve just been trying to be patient because you love her. If you are lucky enough to get a break like that you may have a foothold for real two-way improvement.
This may help her to realize that it is her that you desire, not just sex or she might relax enough to remember what it is like to love and desire you. I truly hope this is the case. You need to have the strength to hold out without looking at her lustfully or saying anything that might indicate your attraction to her and yet bounce along with a smile and a helping hand. What you are setting out to do is painfully difficult, I know because this has essentially been my approach lately. The real problem is no longer how to get passion back into the marriage but rather how to survive a passionless marriage and keep your sanity.
However, I think that simply swallowing your frustration in order to keep a friendly equilibrium is, in the long term(8 months-? years) a dangerously precarious approach and in the end will eat away at your self-worth and personal well-being. There will another day in the future when you will need to bring this issue up with her for consideration. The longer you can patiently (outwardly) wait until that day the more impact the volcano's eruption will have. I'm sorry but I simply can't accept this as a one sided issue. Bottom line for me is it is wrong to withhold sexual love from your spouse. It leaves an emptiness in the relationship that can not be effectively or indefinitely filled with anything else. Some will no doubt disagree with me...
Maybe Michelle’s next book could be “The Masturbators Kama Sutra: How to Survive a Passionless Marriage Without Leaving”
