Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

Ok - so last night was a strange night... this is long....

1) H has money issues. He seems to think if we don't have enough to do whatever it may be that he wants, then we are broke. No, that's not the case, but there are times when we have extra bills come up that we need to be aware of what we are spending. If there's an emergency, we have savings, but otherwise, sometimes we just need to be careful. He freaked out last night and got all angry and said he was stressed out about money after I told him what he had. It's not a big deal, really.

2)Then H (for whatever reason and I don't care what it was) helped Ds clean up their room and helped me fold laundry. He left this morning for his trip and started acting a little funny towards the end of the night, but over all it was ok.

*** this next bit probably deserves a 2x4, but i was not comfortable and i was tired and i don't think i was really even completely awake, that's my story and i'm sticking to it...and i think it ended up much more productive***
3) He wanted to download music to his psp for the trip, so he did that and i slept on the couch waiting for him (went to bed about 3 am) In bed, i knew he'd want to have sex before he left, so i started with him. Everything was fine until he started to try for oral. k - here's the thing. He never does this. It's 3am and I'm exhausted. To me, that's more intimate (probably since he never does it) than intercourse, honestly, i'm not ready for that right now. AND, it shocked the hell out of me. So, i ended up stopping him. I know that this was probably the wrong decision, but i wouldn't have enjoyed it and he would have ended up getting upset (i know from past experience) and i honestly didn't have the energy to handle that.

So, he rolled over, away from me and was pouting (understandibly so) and I asked him what was on his mind. He shared with me some fears he had about leaving overnight. How he didn't want to even go, but he really felt like he needed to be there to get his head back on straight spiritually. (this is a church event for men) I validated everyone of those feelings and concerns and thanked him for being honest with me. I read something on another thread (thanks DomR) about the five languages of apology. I know that i've apologized lots of times, but i haven't asked him in a while what i can DO to show him i'm sorry and prove to him that it won't happen again. So i did. I'm kinda a computer geek and I haven't gotten online or played on my laptop since sept. I postponed my online school, so he wouldn't have to wonder what i was up to. He didn't really have an answer as to what else i could do. He acknowleged that he knows I've been trying to show him, but it's hard for him and it will take time for him to forgive me. I told him that i know it will and I don't want him to tell me he does until he's really 100% sure he does. He agreed.

He asked me if all the stuff he's been doing has helped me to start falling back in love with him. *he just implied that he's been making an big effort, so that changed how i would have responded to him* I told him that i really appreciate how he had helped me more sometimes and had been spending a little more quality time with the girls. I told him that those things were really important. I told him that there is not a specific measure, but that i do feel closer to him than i have in a long time. H tells me he's worried I won't fall in love with him. I told him he needed to have a little faith. That i didn't fall in love with him the first time overnight and that was with no hurt and pain in between us. That it would just take time. That i pray about it and that God has a plan for us. That he wouldn't have given us a great R and 2 babies with another on the way if he didn't have great plans for our life together.

he said that he is worried because the last time i had been acting like evrything was ok, i was talking with OM and he said that i've been more and more happy the last few days and he thought something was going on. I validated his feelings and then asked him what he meant like everything was ok. He said that i was happy again and that i was talking to him like a friend again and that i was just happier. I remembered when he was talking about. I think that i had gotten to that point of detaching that a lot of people here get to. I was done waiting and hoping that he would change or take back his D request. I was done feeling like I needed to avoid him because i would beg him to rethink (i did that quite a few times) and I was ready for the D. I started thinking of him more as a friend for my Ds sake than his and now i wonder if that's why he decided he didn't want the D. Anyways. I told him that then, i wasn't happy, i was acting that way for the girls, but i had finally accepted that it was over at that point. That now, when he sees me as being happy, i'm not faking it, i'm just choosing to look at the positive things ni my life rather than the negative. he seemed ok with that.

I was crying. He said, oh geez... what now. i didn't get upset (normally this gets to me, dammit i'm allowed to cry sometimes). I just told him it's hard for me knowing that i've caused him so much pain. That it was never the intention. That it's hard for me knowing he doesn't trust me and that there is nothing i can really do about it. That it hurts me to see him hurting.

he just said... oh.

that was the end of conversation. we ended up having sex and going to sleep. woke up 2 hours later, he left at 7am. he didn't seem worried or nervous, but just happy. I don't think i've seen him that at peace in a long time. I was really nice. Don't know if it will last or how his trip will effect him, but i do know that it's the first real conversation about all this that we've had. No blame, no guilt, just a real conversation. It was a nice change.