Fearless, Of all the situations on the board, I most relate to the dysfunction between you and your XH. In animal terms, I reacted to my H's dysfunctional monkey as weak bunny, and then I turned into a cow. The weak bunny was still hurt underneath and lead to the LD behavior. My question to you is, how did you remain passionate with him?

The "easy" answer was because I loved him. Honestly in our daily interactions we didn't have as much drama as we did when we were out with others (especially women that flirted with him). Plus our SL was always okay. Sometimes great and sometimes ho-hum but never a problem. So on a daily basis we had a lot of fun, talked a lot, planned for our future together, flirted, laughed, ate great food, enjoyed good wine, loved living on our little farm, etc.

Oh and his first significant EA was nothing more than a friendship. There was no hanky-panky whatsoever. However that is the insidious nature of an EA. On one level, no sex, kissing, etc., it was a completely acceptable friendship. However what drove it to EA "status" was the friendships exclusion of me. I was not to be included in this group. Also XH shared things with her and not with me. I was able to keep my attraction for XH through this EA because I really did know that nothing was going on. But I was concerned with being left out. What this EA did for my XH was give him a false sense of security about having such a close intimate relationship with a woman other than his wife. So his next EA, of which I was hardly even aware of, drifted into a PA really quickly when she decided to go after him.

Mojo seems to have my XH pictured as more monkey but if so, a very weak monkey. Again I feel like he was more puppy who LET women be monkey with him. As at the party, he did NOTHING to his friend who snuggled up to him and drank his beer. That's why it was always so easy for him to just say "Hey I didn't do anything." Because it was true that he didn't do anything other than accept their behavior. Even with his affair, it was her that pursued and took control, which was okay in the beginning but then he felt trapped, shamed and afraid. Which is probably why it was hard for me to feel much more than sorry for him after he confessed to the affair. He seemed so hurt. Like I've said before something about him just women to him and to take care of him. I think it's that d@mn puppy!!

Also FWIW as far as keeping my attraction with him throughout all of this I really believed and do believe still that he loved me very much which allowed me to stay in love with him and is why it was so confusing and hurtful that he couldn't seem to consider my feelings.

I'm not sure how to fully explain everything. Partly I think a lot has to do with my own mindset. XH was my husband so I found him attractive and wonderful to be with. And he was most of the time...

Mojo, I know my example of my behavior at the party was of cow behavior. If I had time, I would give you descriptions of monkey, strong bunny, and lioness behavior too. I am fairly scientific, like to experiment and don't give up so I definitely tried many things.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus