I know you are desparate to try and motivate the desire for change in your wife and nothing seems to be working. Being in the same miserable situation as you, I probably shouldn't be giving any advice, but I will tell you my strategy for what it is worth.
I will write two letters to her, one a warm and heartfelt message explaining how much I love, admire and adore her. In that letter also will explain that I have felt that our communication in the intimacy department has become counterproductive at this time (not to blame her or me but it just has become extremely negative) and that we need to develop a more health mechanism to openly communicate in a non hostile environment. As a suggestion, I will explain that part of our communication should initally be in writing so that we can properly express our feelings. I would like to suggest some ground rules that we must try and adhere to at all costs when communicating in writing and verbally, including always considerin having a positive element to what we are saying, always be respectful, don't interupt, take time to respond, just know that we love each other and the discussions on this topic are to enhance an otherwise loving situation. I would invite other suggestions on how the process of communication can be improved and again reiterate how much we love each other.
The second written communication would explain how I love everything about her and that part of this is how much I love to hold her, touch her, kiss her and, yes, make love to her. For me to feel truly connected, I need all of these elements and if I am missing any one of them, it breaks me apart. Yes I am vulnerable and I need the full meal deal, not just the verbal/intellectual love, not just the non-sexual intimacy part and not just the making love part. I need all of these elements to feel truly connected and we have been lacking in one of these elements. I would go onto explain that, as stupid and shallow as it might appear to her and to the outside world, the lack of this element in our relationship has resulted in a very heavy toll on me personally and has negatively affected the relationship, which I am sure she also feels. I do not believe it is positive to detail the shortcomings of each other, however, the two of us need to develop a plan to change our situation over the long term. The plan should be slow and gradual and we need to know that we are working on this together so that we can both be madly in love with each other for the rest of our lives. The issue isn't about me or my need for intimacy, the issue is about us. And as we both feel connected to each other, we will also have a stronger and better feeling about ourselves. Our feelings about us as a couple, and me and her as individuals, are inseparable and we must realize that if one of us is unhappy for whatever reason, it affects us as a couple and as individuals. I would ask her to respond in writing to what I had to say and then invite us to discuss how we can enhance both the process of communicationa and our relationship.
I am not sure when I will do this, but only when the climate is right.
With respect to your plan, I think you are headed for disaster. I think you have partially tried this plan (probably many times before), with always a bad result. Not only will it piss off your wife, but you will grow totally impatient with the situation, even though it is your plan.
Anyway, take these comments from a guy who has not found any answers to his situation.
