Lis - thanks for your advice. I really apprecate you taking the time to think about my situation and I look forward to your future input.
Here's my latest plan. I’m trying to “lovingly detach” from my wife in hopes of eventually making some headway in the intimacy department. However, some of the things that I’ve listed below seem like they might do more harm than good – for instance by causing her to feel “less close” to me. But maybe that’s what’s needed. Maybe my relationship is to the point where it has to get worse before its going to get better. All I know is that the things I’ve previously tried haven’t worked so I need to try something else.
Listed below are some specific things that I’m either trying or considering.
1. Eliminate discussion of relationship, sex, my feelings, etc. At this point she already knows how I feel about all of that. I think there’s no question about this one.
2. Don’t initiate any physical contact. Specifically:
a) Don’t try to cuddle in bed or elsewhere. Stay to my side of the bed and make sure not to even touch her.
b) Don’t initiate holding hands. I assume that if she initiates this I should go ahead and do it.
c) Avoid the occasional goodbye kiss as much as possible. If she actually initiates this, I assume that I should go ahead and kiss her rather than turning away or otherwise refusing? FYI, throughout our sex-starved period she has continued to give me a goodbye kiss most days when leaving for work. It’s been on the lips, but not really romantic – just a peck. Besides this she never kisses me – for example upon coming home from work, from a trip out of town, at bedtime, etc.
d) Don’t put a hand on her arm, shoulder, knee, etc. when sitting or laying within reach of her (like on the couch watching TV).
e) Don’t initiate any hugs.
3. Don’t say “I love you” when ending phone calls. We’ve always done this and I think it bothers her a bit that I’ve stopped doing so over the past few days. I’m curious about whether this is the right thing to do. I can accept that I’m just trying to do what she wants by having less physical contact, but what would I say if she asks why I suddenly stopped saying ILY. Any suggestions? Also, I assume that if she ends a call by saying ILY I should say it back rather than sound like a jerk – or should I just say “Okay, bye”.
4. Don’t create opportunities for the two of us to be alone. I don’t want to put her in a pressure situation where she feels like she needs to do anything romantic. We seldom go to bed together due to the fact that one of us always goes upstairs with the girls to read stories, but if the opportunity arises I plan to stay up until after she’s asleep. Also, I had been trying to plan occasional weekend trips just for the two of us. I’ve stopped doing that for the time being. I also occasionally ask if she wants to go see a movie, go out to see a band, etc. I’ve stopped that as well.
5. Don’t call her unless I have a good reason – like to coordinate who is picking up the girls after work. I had been trying to call fairly frequently just to say hello, and I’ve always called on the way home from work, etc. just to see if she needed anything, but I’ve stopped doing that.
6. Continue to take care of my portion of the responsibilities at home. Help with laundry, dinner, washing dishes, cleaning house, taking care of the girls, etc. But don’t go out of my way to do things specifically for her – for instance washing her car.
7. Do things with the girls more often. A couple of nights ago I took my 5-year old fishing for the first time at a little pond just down the street in our subdivision. It was fun (she caught her first fish) and doing things like this with my girls definitely takes my mind off of relationship issues.
I’d sure appreciate some input on the things that I’ve listed here, and any suggestions relative to other things that I could do to “lovingly detach”.
