You began to live as if since she was "leaving" you'd best be getting used to her being gone so you acted accordingly
How prophetic.
Long post. Much of it is not good 'DBing' but It was a difficult morning. So, please don't beat me up about the 'DB mistakes'. Just help me focus on me, or your feelings about the situation.
Last night when we slept I held her hand as we fell asleep. In the middle of the night she had rolled over towards me and slept with her leg over mine. She hasn't moved 'towards' me in days.
Anyway, this morning she was up early and was downstairs reading when the alarm went off and woke me up. I went downstairs to tell her it went off. She put down her book and jumped up. I asked her what she was reading and she said 'just one of my books'.
She left the room and I went back, curious what she was reading. It was the 'How to Divorce in California' book she had bought 2 years ago.
I went into the kitchen and asked her if she's planning to divorce now. She said "I can't do anything without you checking up on me" and that yes, she was 'done' and was learning what she needed to do to get a divorce. To live her life without me. She had been 'done' for a while and 'knew' that she wasn't going to be with me any more. It doesn't matter if I change my life because it's not about me, it's about her needing to 'do things with her life' that she knows she can't do with me. She was calm.
I calmly told her that she could still do these things, that she can see that I am working on reclaiming me, and being together was better for all of us. Yes, bad DBing.
She says 'no, it's been 7 years we've been trying to 'find ourselves'. I know that you didn't fix yourself when we got back together, you fixed the relationship. She brings up how she is 'taking care of her body now' because she has accepted her 'spiritual connection with herself and God'. I said that she went back to 'being comfortable' and not exercising after I did all the work to restore the family and the relationship and she said that was because she knew I hadn't done the work on myself, and she was still unhappy but hopeful. Since I spiralled downhill after that, she says she sees it's not going to happen while we're together. "I know when I'm done and this is it."
She said she didn't really know what to do - she was reading the divorce book to figure out what should be her next steps and that she doesn't have any money so she's stuck right now.
I asked her if she had 'someone else' and she started to cry and said 'no, I don't have anybody'. I told her she would always have me and she started to blast me saying she hasn't had me for a long time. I told her that I haven't had me for a long time and I'm reclaiming me.
She brings up an issue about how she 'knows' I was depressed and drinking Tuesday night when she went to her friends house overnight. I was puzzled and told her that was not true and why does she 'know that', so she tells me that D12 described what I had to eat for dinner and it was 'weird food'. When I was medicating I would make whatever I could find to eat late at night.
I laughed and said 'I mixed the small bowl of tuna you left for me, with the small bowl of pasta salad and put in some mayo because it was a little dry and had it for lunch' (it might have been dinner, I didn't recall because it wasn't significant to me)'.
She believed me and calmed down on that one. I told her that FaithIsBelieving made me swear not to medicate when I'm anxious - to call ANYBODY and vent or somehow release the fear. So she got angry and a little tearful and said "What about the times you 'swore' to ME you'd get help, that didn't count?". So I said that I was sorry, I let myself stay stuck and didn't reach out.
She said she hopes it works out, but she is done. I told her it will, and I said she'll always have me if she needs someone because I'm not going to stop loving her. I'm calm during this conversation. She says "I can't have you until you have yourself".
She told me that she didn't mean she has 'nobody', she has her connection to God and her integrity so she isn't alone.
She says she has been trying for the past 7 years to get to the place where she can love, and be loved deeply. That she has been waiting for that to happen for me also, and she says "how long do you wait before you admit it isn't going to happen?". That she meets men and women in her life that are caring, vulnerable, loving and authentic and that she realizes that she wants that instead of being in this depressing relationship. She's not looking for a relationship, she's looking for something more than being in this environment with me, where we're always unhappy. And she's done waiting. She needs to make a 'drastic change' in her environment. She knows that she can have those kinds of connections with people, just not with me.
Says she'll always love me, and hopes I build a better life. She knows I'll take care of my girls, but doesn't need me to take care of her. She's going to figure out a way to support herself and is reading and learning what she has to do to get a divorce. She's not in a rush, doesn't see a need to tell the kids anything until we feel like "it's time", and we'll still sleep in the same bed with me unless I'm 'uncomfortable' with that.
I mentioned that she had rolled over onto me last night and she didn't remember that, but then went on to tell me she had a dream about us.
In her dream it's just she and I. We're moving into a house that a 'friend' of mine says it's ok for us to live in because we lost this house. She says it doesn't 'feel right' and as we're moving in the 'friend' and his wife come back to the house and the wife starts moving their stuff in, glaring at her as she does it. The wife pushes all the stuff she has put onto the table off and the friend tells us he's sorry but she changed her mind and wanted to move back in.
He offers us the chance to live in the shed they have but my W says no way, because she doesn't want to be near this woman's anger.
She says she woke up from this dream and was yelling at me, saying something like "Why can't you find a place for us to live!?" I was asleep and I don't recall this but she says she did. Maybe she was quiet, I didn't push it. Then she got up and went to read her divorce book.
She is very calm. She says she's "sad that we couldn't heal ourselves together, but half her life is gone (she's 39) and she doesn't want to live the next half in sadness". That she is sure of her decision. I told her several times that I understand how she feels, that I'm going to rebuild myself and recover our financial stability, and that she doesn't have to act on getting a divorce right now unless she feels she has to 'go right away' it would be better if we were in a better finacial place in a few months. She seems ok with that since she really doesn't think she can afford to make a move right now.
When I look in her eyes I see sadness, a little bit of fear but mostly detachment. She says she's sad this didn't work out but she is ready to do something new with her life. She'll always love me and wants me to be happy.
I jokingly said 'well, so how should I act around you, do you want me to stop touching you? It felt nice to hold you hand last night when we were falling asleep' and her response is "I don't know, I suppose I'll let you know how I feel when I feel it". I did a 'bad boy' thing and joked 'hey, I'm still open for s-x when you need it!' and she smiled and said 'yeah, I guess it's good for us, we need release sometimes'.
So, that's where It's at. It hurts, but not as bad as I thought it would. Maybe it will hit me later. I don't know. I know that no matter what I need to get myself on track for my own life. I guess I'm still in disbelief. She's calm and detaching, but I can see all the hurt that is there under the surface. She 'feels better' when she's out with her friends and support systems instead of with me. I understand.
I guess I'll say that I really messed up by not dealing with my issues. She's been hopeful for a long time but that hope is all gone. Will this make it harder for me to pick myself up? I don't know. It seems painful now and I feel that I just need to let her go do whatever she thinks she needs to do and accept that this marriage is over. Two people can only inflict so much pain on each other for so long.
I have all these pictures of us on the wall in my office that I put up before she came back from her trip. I'm wondering if I should replace them with pics of just the girls and I.
