How is this whole thing working out for you financially? Secondly, man I know the feeling! It should be such a joyous time, but deep inside, you're dying!
Actually FLTC, our house was paid for so I'm sitting pretty! W has all the debt now, oh well, she chose it. Am I dying inside? Not today, I brought a wonderful joyful time to my family and I'm letting that joy rule. I can't bring back what was but I can make the most of what is and what can be. Yup, at times it hurts, but not last night. Tonight, we are all going to a high school open house, the school D13 wants to go to. W seems to be much more open to D going where she wants now. As I told her, if there is nothing wrong with this school than I will support D in going there. Btw, when I told my co-workers of our plans for last night and this evening I got these replies "You two are just plain crazy people!" and "why did you guys bother to separate, you spend more time together now than before". Ahh, it's a weird world, isn't it! But, today is pure joy, I will enjoy!
Thanks FLTC, what I'm learning is when the rollercoaster is on an upswing enjoy the ride because the downswing is on its way. It's best just not to take either extreme too seriously, just enjoy what you can and fasten the seat belt for that inevitable downturn!
I'm doing my best! Last night was the school open house and W was at her best NOT! She stormed into the auditorium and took D13 aside, in front of her friends, to "discuss" something. Even after D pleaded "could we do this at another time, PLEASE!" W said "we can do this in the aisle or we can do it right here" Yup, she wants her way and that is that! It was about some miscommunication that caused W some embarrassment, so that is D's fault naturally. Afterwards, D talked to me on the way home and we had a long talk about how to deal with mom. I told her mom was like a dog with a bone, the more you try and pull that bone out of the dog's mouth, the worse she fights you! I said the key is to stop trying to get the bone. I said "if you keep walking into a wall, sooner or later you start to look for a door!" So, we talked about how to sidestep those unplesant interactions with her mother. D says " I feel like she's always trying to beat me into the ground", I told her I completely understood and that is why it is best to AVOID those interactions with Mom because she will always win! She's good at fighting and arguing. D said that lately at least Mom has been more pleasant and fun loving but also is often angry and complains alot about her hard life. We talked about how each of us are responsible for our own lives and the decisions we make, Mom's just not real good at owning her choices these days. D said "I'm beginning to understand why you don't live with her anymore" I said "your mother is not an easy person to live with but I also have to take responsibility for the part I played in what happened to our M, when you don't do that you are acting helpless and that is never being honest with yourself" I tried hard to empathize with D, help her try some different ways of dealing with Mom (e.g. "I understand what you are saying, I will think about it" rather than shooting back a rebuttal cuz when W's on fire there's no discussion to be had, better to approach her later) but also tried to help D understand a bit of where Mom was coming from by discussing putting yourself in the other persons shoes. Later that evening W phoned and asked me why D was so pissed at her and I replied "I think that is something you should talk about with your D" she didn't like that reply but that's too bad. She said "I am asking you as an alternative information source" I guess I'm some kind of media outlet or something! Again, I said " I think you should discuss it with your D" So D and Mom talked on the phone for a short bit, who knows where it went but D went to bed happier anyway. Sometimes I just don't know ehich way to turn on these things, I want to support D in dealing with these issues but I don't want to badmouth W either and I dont' want to come across as sticking up for mom either. I did suggest ways D could approach Mom to talk about her concerns but I recognize what a tough nut to crack W is too! I'm doing my best at this job but the pay sucks .
Thanks Tom, those words really do mean alot to me! Today, I'm on a bit of a downswing but I will pull myself out of it. I've noticed that sometimes a couple of small things in a row will drag me down and I have to fight to resurface! Last night I was to attend a church group meeting, the first time. I was excited about meeting some of the guys and adding an activity to my week. I arrived at the coffee shop and sat for half an hour and noone showed up! So I went and did a little shopping and when leaving I drove by and I recognize a couple of the the guys meeting. My first thought was to park and go in but then I thought I no longer wanted to. Here I am, a new member of the group, invited to my first night and not one person shows up at a decent time to greet me or welcome me despite my confirming that I would be there. To me that says "who cares" and that's not a message that creates any good feelings within me these days. So, I went home. Is that oversensitive? Probably. I also had an experience recently where I emailed the Pastor to update her on my sitch, as she'd asked me at church how I was doing. I got no reply. Again, I don't respond well to being shunted aside these days. Now, on Wed. evening Coffee Buddy also continued her "wipe Whatis out of my life" campaign, which I thought I'd come to terms with but apparently not. It just hurt to know that my friend, who obviously isn't anymore, can't even ask "How did Christmas go". Again, my head understands why she is doing this but my heart says "why are you being so f*cking mean to me!" So, a couple of these things and my spirits seem to drop, so it's my job to get on with life and put a smile back on my face, I know noone else can do that for me. So that ends my wimpy and whiney confession for today!
Your W. really sounds a lot like mine. My W. once was asked by our MC: "Would you rather be right or be happy". My W. replied with a stone face: "I can't tell the difference"! I'm with you on the taking rejection a little hard these days. We're not working with the "emotional net" we once had in our spouse. We're on our own in that department right now, and it su*ks! You're doing the best you can with D13 as well. Your sitch in this regard is so much like mine: W. at loggerhead with oldest Daughter; an absolute need to control! My D17 said the same about my W. D17 tried to tell me a few weeks ago: "Mom seems much happier, so you need to look at the bright side of a divorce. You know Mom's emotions control the whole family". I wanted to say "Why the F^^K should we have to live by those rules, but there is no answer.
Your lines were exaclty like mine, not wanting to throw your wife under the bus, but you and your D. both know how difficult you W. is. Her life IS hard, and a lot of it is by her own hand,
Yup, the taking rejection thing is a struggle! For so many years I battled in my sitch by trying to understand where W was coming from. A way to handle the hurt was to say "Oh, she's under a lot of stress...." I would always try and see her side of things and it would drive friends batty, "How can you still defend her?" I'd say I wasn't defending just trying to understand. Well, now I don't want to sit around "understanding" behaviour of others that I find hurtful BUT I also must re-establish where the line is and I'm probably not real good at that right now. It is one thing to understand how someone could make a choice but it is another to agree that the choice was acceptable. For e.g., I understand how CB could be uncomfortable with our friendship as it was but that does not make the way she is going about dealing with it acceptable. It is hurtful to just dismiss someone from your life without discussion or thought to their feelings. Is it acceptable for a church group to invite me and then have noone show up within half an hour of the starting time to welcome me? It sure seemed insenstitive. Is it understandable that a Pastor does not respond when I share a major life event? Should I reconsider my involvement in such a chuch? Should I even bother to be friendly in any way with Coffee Buddy when those rare opportunities for interaction occur or should I just avoid her? These are questions that come up for me when I feel "rejected". I'm trying to find a line which I haven't done for a long time. Wow, what you have to deal with that arises from this separation stuff!
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