I've been out of town for the last three days without a computer so I'm just getting caught up. I'm amazed at how similar all of our situations are! While I was gone I thought about my marriage situation a lot, as I always seem to do when I travel, and I was about ready to give up. But seeing that you guys are dealing with such similar situations gives me enough hope to keep trying - even if neither of you have found the answer yet.
Here's a brief update - unfortunately more of the same. This past weekend I tried cuddling up to my wife again, after having gotten along really well for a few days, and as usual she nearly fell off the bed trying to keep her distance. As usual, her reaction hurt my feelings, got me upset, and led to the sex argument which carried over to the next day and got pretty bad. Although I love my wife and we get along fine otherwise, I'm starting to feel that she's really not even my friend anymore. The fact that aside from the sex issue we get along well doesn't really say a whole lot - in my entire life I can't think of many people that I couldn't get along with. But my true friends care about me and try to make me feel better when I'm hurting. However my wife only seems to care about herself. And although it would be hard to find a nicer, more caring guy than me, my wife seems to continually think of me as a jerk. I'm finding that she harbors bad feelings for me for weeks, months, maybe years after an argument, and the fact that she can't forgive me for the things I've said in anger may be the main reason that she won't put any effort into our relationship. But while I regret some of the things that I've said, none of them are "unforgiveable". I can't do anything about them now - I've apologized and made every effort to show her that I love her and care about her. However she's never sincerly apologized to me for anything she's done to hurt me, yet I don't hold those things against her. I'm beginning to feel more resentment towards her and it makes me want to stop being around her. But how can I do that when I want to be the best father that I can to my girls?
Here are a couple of things from Fred that hit home with me:
"... all the changes I have made to make her more happy. But she isn't going to change anything she does. Hence the one about "if you are so unhappy the why don't you just get out". Basically that's her cop out so she doesn't have to try to improve anything. Her philosophy is that things are the way they are and efforts to change them are somehow bad and unnecessary. Yet she enjoys the fruits of my efforts."
"We were in New Orleans over the weekend and I let my eyes wander all over the place. That is something I have never done in front of my W before. I made no attempt to not be obvious. She never said a word."
I'm looking for a new approach and I'm wondering if that one might have any merit. I've always tried to keep from staring at other women in front of my wife - not that I'm always successful. But maybe being more obvious about it would be a good change. Maybe it would motivate her to want to be sexy again - to get my attention. On the other hand, maybe she'd just hate me more. Any comments are welcome.
AchingMan, I thought of something today while flying home which I thought was quite profound, only to find that you had posted the same thought. Here it is:
"They’ve already been having an affair with someone else: themselves. By keeping their love to themselves they have essentially been cheating on us."
This crossed my mind while reading an article about how to tell if a woman is cheating on you. I honestly don't think that my wife is having an affair, but she certainly exhibits some of the signs: turning down your invitations claiming she's too busy with whatever, less talkative and more distracted but she won't have a convincing explanation when you ask her why, stops initiating sex - and when you try she'll act uncomfortable and hesitant, and when you call her she'll sound vaguely disappointed that it's you.
I've rambled too long here, but basically I need to find a whole new approach to initiating change in my marriage. I had hoped that clearly communicating my feelings would make my wife care enough to change - but she doesn't. I hoped that trying to be the perfect husband would make her fall in love with me again, but it hasn't. I don't know what to do. I'm tempted to stay away from the house as much as possible - start going out for drinks more often, take up a hobby that keeps me away from home (golf for instance) - but in so doing I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with my girls. I'm just getting tired of this mundane life and I need some sort of change. Let me know if anyone has any good ideas.
