Your wife’s attitude is even more like my wife’s than I had thought. Those email excerpts from her that you put on the last message were so close to the things that my wife has said that it was if I had written your post. Quotes like these ones (including your conclusions) really hit home:
“’My W doesn't want to discuss anything though. She doesn't want to read anything. She doesn't want to change anything. And, she doesn't want to be or do anything that might be construed as proactive, to our R or anything else for that matter.
’if you are so unhappy the why don't you just get out’. Basically that's her cop out so she doesn't have to try to improve anything. Her philosophy is that things are the way they are and efforts to change them are somehow bad and unnecessary. Yet she enjoys the fruits of my efforts.”
I told my wife that I was very happy with our relationship except for the intimacy area and the fact that frustrations there were negatively affecting other areas. I said I hated pressuring her and that it was an important area of a relationship for me. Although She seemed to at least look thoughtful at that moment (not angry or dismissive is GREAT). No changes but I’m sure she can’t help but think about what I keep bringing up and struggling to comprehend how the hell I could still be so in love and attracted to her after being together for so many years.
Like you, the despair of realizing that you might have to stay in such a painful situation is often unbearable. If there were any signs that the tide could possibly turn in our favor someday I think that most of us could hang on and weather through the stormy times. It’s the not knowing if they will ever make the effort to come back to us. They’ve already been having an affair with someone else: themselves. By keeping their love to themselves they have essentially been cheating on us. I’m not saying that we have the right to an affair with another woman now but they certainly aren’t making it easy for us to avoid it. Obviously, all of us that are suffering from a low libido spouse have had the temptation of an affair cross our minds.
We keep getting pushed to get out and go for it with another woman; I’m wondering if they would be the ones to leave if we took the liberty of free expression (a sort of offensive, instead of always being defensive), telling them more often how we feel, accepting the consequences of sleeping in the doghouse or whatever. They seem to always be the ones to say “leave if you’re so unhappy!”; that doesn’t mean that we have to leave. I have little interest in leaving, what I want is my lover to be my wife. I don’t think my wife would actually take the step to walk out unless we started fighting all the time or something. Maybe if they were a little more unsatisfied with the relationship they would also be interested in improving things. I don’t really know, I’m grasping at straws now, looking for possibilities in strange places. Some things that WhyNotCheat posted in my Jekyl & Hyde thread made me start thinking more aggressively about crazy ideas, ways to be more confident and let her stew until she’s ready to deal with life.
Letting your eyes wander might be another way to get her attention (or it just might piss her off, but hey, she doesn’t want you eyeing her up, does she?) I personally believe that enjoying the scenery is all right, frolicking through it in the buff is another problem. I say go ahead and let her mom freak out. Maybe she will say something to her daughter to get her to snap out of it. They obviously won’t take any advice from us, maybe if enough other people, especially those they respect or look up to, said something our wives might consider it a bit more heavily.
Here’s an untested crazy idea (my wife hasn’t given me the option of trying this): Why not have an affair with her for just sex? If your wife offers to just “take it” then maybe “just give it to her” might not be such a bad idea. I’d say,”I’d like to have tender lovemaking with you rather than have you just let me screw you but I’m so desperate for sexual contact with you that I’ll accept whatever you’re willing to give me.” There are days when I am so desperate for sex that I would pay her for it. I know it is counter intuitive and definitely not the loving intimacy that we need but it might take some of the pressure off so that you could actually function in society. Like Michelle’s “just do it” philosophy, she might eventually warm up and enjoy it (use plenty of lube in case it takes a while for her to soften her hardened heart and body). It might also add some shock factor because she knows you want more than just sex and is betting that you won’t accept such a crude offer. I say take her up on it, accept and act on it in that moment if possible or set a time. Do it calmly, like you’re setting up a business meeting. She’ll be stunned. She’ll either have to retract the offer (compromising her own words) or follow through. The other possibility is that it will make her really pissed and she’ll storm out (don’t hate me if this happens, I’m just throwing out the idea that the insane might be the sanest thing to do). No matter what I’ll bet it will get her thinking. Anyway, if things are really shitty and desperate, why not try it?
Above all we need to see real effort towards real changes in behavior and attitudes. Even if the stars aligned for one evening and we got some mind-blowing sex (this would be very good) it doesn’t mean that there has been a change of heart or attitude, although it sure couldn’t hurt to begin that way. There needs to be a change of perspective, an opening of understanding, a direction towards working together in improving sex. Any improvement (even sex for sex) is an improvement and I think likely will lead to other changes.
