W less angry with me, but not ready for piecing

[Lanzo]

Locked up but I was ready for it.

Super quick summary of our sitch:
Our M has always been up and down, no real mean fights just a lot of sulking, pouting and not talking on both sides. If we argue W shouts and withholds intimacy (which is limited anyway). I retreat into my shell, and sulk. No talking can last a long time.
2004 W screams at me this M is over and we distance ourselves from each other.
2005 discover brief PA, W ended it and we decide to work on the M.
2006 discover evidence of long running EA (could go way back but for now I'll say 2003),
2006 Things were ok with us, W actually tried with M, so I let things go. (I didn't understand EA's then).
2007 discover EA hotting up, so I bust it up. Shortly after I get the proper ILYBNILWY speech. Then find out OM from PA, back as EA. I go mad and move out. W gets mad at me and jumps into full blown PA.
2007 I discover DB site and get to work (wished I'd found it in 2005)
2007 I move back home W always mad at me. I DB, but get to point of giving up and suggest D talks. W says its ended with OM.
2008 Were back in same house, same bed but W says she not attracted to me, doesn't want intimacy, felt like this for long time. She doesn't want D or to sell house anymore, but says we stuck together. No sign of commitment to me, but she committed to the house. We move forward slowly.

So new title "W less angry with me, but not ready for piecing"

Links to previous threads
W always angry at me....
W still angry with me...

[Lanzo]

Forrest Dude !!

I'm so glad your still around, I was just thinking about you the other day, hope things are going well in your sitch

Forrest I have to admit that I always have to think sideways when I read your responses, I'm not always immediately sure if your telling me I'm doing good or bad.

But Anyways here goes

It is 110% your fault. You are the reason all this stuff is happening to you. Got it?

Yes in W eyes it's all my fault but we both have to accept responsibility.

Do you really think it was about your snoring?

No it's not the snoring, it not the excessive sweat during sex (when we did have it), it's not about the whole laundry list of things W has mention. The problem is I don't know what the deeper issue is and at the moment W's not willing to tell me (Yet).

You and her don't/can't communicate.

This is so true, I'm trying to get the hang of this communication issue, but W is not so sure.

Telling you right here right now she wants you to bend. Way the he** over

That's what it feels like, without anything in return I think I've bent as far as I can.

You were good enough. She loved you. She made babies with you. She built a life with you.
What is all that worth?

It's worth fighting for until the end (despite all of the cr*p)

Please if I've misunderstood any of your high points please let me know

[ladydi1127]

Hi, just droppedn in. Have you ever read The Power of a Praying Husband? Maybe this would help with your sitch. Or how about Five Love Languages or maybe it's The Five Languages of Love Also, have you checked our rejoiceministries.org?

Just some thoughts. I would give anything if my H was still in the house with me. He's been gone over a year, but although "many are the plans in a man's heart, it is the plan of God that prevails."

Blessings,
LadyDi

[Lanzo]

Hi LadyDi,

Thanks for dropping in, I've got a copy of the Five Languages of Love (Mens Edition). I've held off reading it because I wanted to be sure things were moving in the right direction (I didn't want to tempt fate). Now that I can whisper the word "piecing", I think I'll find some quiet time and start to read it.

[wawpioneer]

Lanzo,

Good to see that after all the hell you have been through that there is still some fight left in you. My W and I have not had the exact history in your sitch but we seem to be in the same place. She had EA and she is now back to living under the same roof and is existing here to see if she can develop a feeling to hold on to or to see if she can see a glimmer of hope in order to begin giving our M an effort.

I definitely recommend reading "The Power of a Praying Husband". We feel as though we are doing all we can do and we will not have regrets for our efforts when we look back 10 years from now. This book helps you take the power to a different level. Praying helps you both and helps you turn it over to the Lord so that he can work his plan. Realize that his plan works out in his time though and not in ours. Patience.

[Lanzo]

Hi WP,

Yes, there certainly is some fight still left in me. Thank you for the suggestion on reading material, I'll certainly look that book up.

Thursday W asks if I will be going out on Saturday, this normally means she's going out and wants me to act as a sitter, so I give her a non committal answer. I'm not going out at the moment, but maybe some (new) friends may give me a call later. I ask W is she going out she says no. Strange, but anyway we leave it at that.

Today W says seeing that we're not going out can we rent a movie and stay in. Remember this is coming from the woman who 2 months ago didn't even want to be in the same room as me. So I'm not building up expectations, we'll rent this movie and watch it.

I'll let you all know how I get on.

[fish]

Lanzo

Lots of promise for you. W asking you to watch movie on Saturday night is outstanding. Make it fun... make some popcorn, have a pizza delivered, whatever.

There is definitely promise in your situation.

Unfortunately, I am heading for divorce. I tried DBing, but was not very good at it. My W would not meet me half way... uggh.

Good luck... Take it slow

[Lanzo]

Hi fish,

Thanks for taking time out to catch up on my sitch, I really appreciate any feedback I receive.

W and I stayed in and watched a couple of movies, one gripping drama and then a light hearted comedy. We had chocolate and fruit mix desserts and a couple of glasses of wine. I kept my expectations low and W had no problems in meeting these. It was almost like the old days, the two of us sitting in together. W actually stayed awake and seemed to be enjoying herself, her falling asleep in the past used to cause me immense frustration and contributed to use drifting apart.

Last night was cool, a good step forward and we ended the night still friends, so that's a positive.

[mako]

Lanzo,

Nice baby steps there last night. Please just keep your expectations low and go slow at it...as you said, if the expectations are nil it's easy for her to meet them, thus you won't get disappointed and frustrated and it'll be easier to just have a good time and show the good you.

It seems fortunate that your W feels "stuck" with you for now. If she's not rushing to D that means you've got time to do what you've gotta do. As I'm sure you know from reading around here, ILYBNILWY can turn back to ILY with time and consistent DBing.

[Lanzo]

Hey Mako,

Thanks for taking time out to catch up on my sitch.

It's funny but my W never actually asked for a D, what she did was to take me to our favorite restaurant, give me a lovely ILYBNILWY speech, then expected to go off in pursuit of happiness (Ironically the title of the movie we watched last night) while I waited around.

It now seems that whatever or whoever she was looking for isn't out there so she feels she's stuck with me. As you said it gives me plenty of time to do whatever DB'ing I gotta do to show her that I am the best alternative. I think it's working to some extent cos I'm still around and her anger is subsiding.

It almost feels like we're piecing but she's not exactly saying that's what we're doing. She's just told me now that she's enjoyed staying around the house this weekend and just chilling in her scruffs. She wishes could do the same next week, but unfortunately she will need to leave the house at some stage.

So I'm taking it slowly, keeping my expectations low, and hopefully I won't scare her off.