Stuck in Neutral - MN Man's 5th thread

[MinnesotaMan]

This Morning's Opinion:

Dreams are bastards. In fact, they're bastard-coated-bastards with bastard filling.

For the past three frakkin' nights, I've had R-based dreams in which either 1) W and I fight in really angry ways looking for the most hurtful things to say to the other, 2) We reconcile, or 3) All the bad stuff never happened.

Unfortunately, not having any control over what my subconcious decides to broadcast, the "stop sign" technique and the like aren't that helpful. An hour or so to shake the remnants of the dreams works, but does that hour or so ever suck.

**is still in that hour**

Stupid brain. heh.

[bhopeful]

Mornings are the hardest time of the day for me. Sometimes because of the dreams that I have and others just because I woke up alone one more day. I've found though that if I can get my lazy butt out of bed and do some exercise right away that the remnants disappear much quicker. Just a suggestion. Maybe something for you to try...

[phbear316]

MMan

Morning.

Gosh how funny is this. This morning while i was taking a shower, i started to think why has h done this to me, to us, why is he sleeping with someone else, yada, yada, yada. All of a sudden i pictured a big red stop sign, and i just started singing row, row, row your boat in the shower. Where this came from i have not idea, but you know what, before i knew it, i was done with my shower and moved on to thinking what am i going to wear to work today.

So that great you thought of a song a happy one, and a tv show. See so you are starting with instead of a stop sign think of a tv or a musical note. What ever works for you.

Man, listen or reread what you just posted about about your wifes actions, remember they are her actions not yours. As the moderators and smarter people (as i call them) say, she is not thinking clearly she is being selfish, note the word SHE. I have the same issue with my H he feels its ok, because his feelings have "changed" or his new one we have just grown apart, (hate that one, he grew away from me, anyway rambling)HE feels its ok to take ow to a family wedding, HE feels its ok to tell me he is going out, and then leave a note saying he is not coming home. They are driven my their guilt feelings thats all i can tell you.

Does it make it any easier no, but you like me have to start separating from them. Somewhere on this site is a great post about letting go. I copied it down and have it and i read it once in a while. I read it and somedays it makes me feel powerful other days sad, but i get thru it and think about what it means each time i read it, and pick on one thing to work on

I will post it for you

Anyway enjoy that yummy cake on friday. Your doing good
Keep up the good work
bear

[phbear316]

Letting go. I hope i get this right, and it makes sense to you, every time i read it, it makes me think,

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring
It means i can't do it for someone else
To let go is not to cut myself off...
Its the realization that I can't control another
To let go is not to enable
but to allow learning from natural consequences
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands
To let go is not to try and change or blame another
I can only change myself
To let go is not to care for, but to care about
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive
To let go is not to judge
but allow another to be a human being
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes
To let go is not to be protective
It is to permit another to face reality
To let go is not to deny, but to accept
To let go is not to nag, scold, argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to critize ad regulate someone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but grow and live for the future
To let go is to fear less and love more.


Every time i read this, i get choked up, but it makes you think about things in a different light, that there are things we cannot control and things we need to let go, for ourselves and for our loved one, as painful as it may be, right now.

[MinnesotaMan]

bhopeful = I'll try that next time I've got the dreams/morning motivation problem.

Bear = I've read your two posts several times today. It's been a hard day for the "wife's actions beyond my control" and all of that. (ex: learned recently that she decided to smoke pot w/ a friend who was visiting; something I don't approve of in general, so that lowers my opinion of her - but I can't control it).

I'm going to start really directing my energies to moving on and letting go.

I know I've said that before, but this week's shown me that my wife is really no longer the woman I knew. If she ever returns to that person, we'll see what happens. But for now I've really learned that I have to accept that the woman I love is gone. It's sad as hell, but she is.

I'm going to print out that "letting go" thing and put it in my wallet. I need to have a reminder so I don't get wrapped up in my judgment. Because I think everyone here's seem how judgmental I can be.

Small victory for me: I really, really wanted to drink tonight. I didn't.

(I'm not a "pro-drinker", but I have recognized that I'm predisposed towards alcoholism, and have felt the strong desire to drink lately).

[MinnesotaMan]

oh man.

i just had an "anger wall" break. I was being mad, then I remembered how she used to say "I love you" and I just broke down crying...

...and it came crashing in all the little wrongs I did and how much work I have to do.

There's this little lyric, from "Adrift" by BNL:

Your heart's got a heavy load
There's still a long way to go
Keep your eyes on the road

I think that sums things up rather concisely for this healing, recovery, and reformation process.

[Heimlich]

That "Letting Go" bit is really good. When I read it initially it really helped me start getting a grip on things.

Really, MM, let go of the judgement of your W. It's OK to realize that you're not totally at fault, but as for the rest, man, let it go. I see you killing yourself wondering what your W is doing. You know it, but she's not part of your life right now -- maybe forever. Accept that. Not just with lip service, but really embrace that fact.

She. Is. Not. Your. Wife.

Until you do, you're not going to be able to move forward.

Going to have to disagree with you on the weed. Some days, I wished I lived in Amsterdam -- or still had my college connection. By the way, got any Cheetos?

Regarding Bear's rowing the boat in the shower moment (great South Park comment about the mayor rowing her boat to shore, great bit of innuendo, that), when I was really deep in all of this during the summer and early fall, Finding Nemo kept popping in my head. The scene where the mask falls down the rift and Dory starts with the whole "Keep swimming. Keep swimming." bit. Dunno why, but that always gave me a lift.

Hang in there, you'll make it and your life will get better.

BD

PS. GREAT job on not drinking when you felt the need to.

[Dom R]

I know I've said that before, but this week's shown me that my wife is really no longer the woman I knew. If she ever returns to that person, we'll see what happens. But for now I've really learned that I have to accept that the woman I love is gone. It's sad as hell, but she is.

a word of caution for you:
the woman you knew, is gone forever. If you wait for "her" to come back.. you will be waiting for a very long time.
No-one is ever a teenager again.
No-one ever gets to be 20 again.

People change over time. You may not wish to be with the woman that your wife is like right now. However, you may want to keep your eyes open for who she will become in the future.

Seems like some people go through the mid-life "transition" period, and come out the other side as completely different people. Others become more similar to their previous selves. But they are never exactly the same.

[MinnesotaMan]

Heim -

She. Is. Not. Your. Wife.

I'm pounding that one into my head.

I'm finding my little ways to try and push through this. Or at least trying to find ways! I really, really like that bit of lyric I posted. It's just so "you're going through a lot of pain right now, and it's going to take awhile to heal, but keep your eyes on the future". And I know i have a good future. I'm young, have a career in mind, and consider myself to be an attractive person who will find someone else.

Rebuilding has this these parts about having you say things out loud. I think because actually voicing things makes you realize the truth of them. "My love relationship is over" took me three tries to actually say. But I'm aware it's true.

Dom - I'm not planning on waiting for the "old W" to come back. She won't. I don't even want to be a friend to the person who she is now, honestly. It'd be more hurtful than helpful to me.

....

I had a short conversation today with her on the phone.

On Tuesday, at work, she apparently got the impression I was going to contest the divorce. This came up after she had mentioned that she didn't need to serve me, because when it's a mutually agreed upon divorce, all you really have to do is fill out the paperwork and sign it in front of a judge.

I responded: "Oh, you think I'm going to make this easy on you?"

Long story short, I was offended that she had thought from the beginning that I would be OK with a mutual divorce and would just roll over when the time came. I told her on that on the phone today, and that I really didn't have any plans to contest the divorce, because I didn't want to bother with lawyers and legal fees.

Her: "So, you're willing to work with me on this?" (this being the paperwork for the mutual splitting and all that crap)

Me: "At this point? Absolutely." (in a sort of cold tone, too)

Her: "Uh... well, okay, I'll ..get working on, I mean, finish up the paperwork then."

Me: "Anything else?"

Her: "No, not that I can think of"

Me: "Then, bye." she said bye and I hung up. The convo was less than two minutes. I was very clear, concise, and detached (even my telling her the "i was offended you expected me to just roll over" thing was said in a really neutral voice).

I'm finding it hard to believe that I'm at this place with her. Considering my posts from 4 months ago when I was willing to do anything to get her back, to how I feel today - feels almost hypocritical. Not quite, but almost.

[Torchbearer]

Not to make light of the situation, but this may be better in the long run. I am definitely not an advocate of the "easy" divorce, but I did go through one 14, almost 15 years ago and if you pay attention to my age, yes, I was young. I got married for the first time when I was 20 and divorced at 22. It actually was one of the best things I ever did (the divorce). We were both young and didn't have kids. He cheated on me a year into our marriage. It sucked. It really sucked and I thought my life was going to end. It didn't. It actually gave me some much needed independence. I pursued my career. I went back to school. I moved. I enjoyed life. I dated a lot over the years. I had 2 long term (2+ years) relationships. I finally met my current H at age 28 (6 years after my D). I was more mature and had more mileage. I had experienced a lot more and felt I had a lot to offer and still feel I have a lot to offer.

So, what I'm saying is, it is really hard to come to terms that your M is over. It is really miserable to come to terms that your W is not the person you thought she was. It sounds like she has some maturing to do. You are young. You now will have the freedom to pursue whatever you want to do. You will find love again I can guarantee it. And, if you are so lucky, as I am, you're next love will be better than this one. I feel truly blessed that I went through all the he11 that I did before I met my H. It made me who I am and put me in the right place to meet him. Yes, we've been going through our difficulties, but we're pulling through.

Be strong. Be confident. And let yourself grow and move on. If your W is meant to be in your life it will happen, but it can't be forced.