I was sad to read both of your messages. Getting to the end of your rope is an ugly place to be. I’ve been there many times, then later I somehow think that there is still hope and give it another shot (usually after seeing my lady step out of the shower!). I think that most of the 5,000+ nights we’ve gone to bed together since St. Sexe quit blessing our marriage have left me laying there with the crushing weight of disappointment and frustration that is rejection. That is a lot of wasted get-down-and-boogie time, Y’all. Just think about how many smiling days that could equal (I’m talking about the post-lovemaking idiot grin that takes about 50 lbs of our shoulders the next day)
I don’t know how many days that I planned something special (flowers, dinner, weekend away...whatever) for my wife that never led to a special response. She enjoys the favor but doesn’t necessarily reciprocate. That makes me feel like I’m being used. It’s not that I plan those events (well, not always) with the goal of getting laid in mind but rather doing sweet or romantic things for her benefit gives me a huge turn-on. Even doing non-romantic favors for her (out of genuine kindness) turns me on big time. I can’t get away from this!
I just read The BOOK (I’m not talking about the bible) and gained a lot of insight but perhaps more than anything it was a validation, a confirmation of what I have felt and believed. It made me realize that I am not a sexual deviant or bad person because I want to have an active sex life. I actually believe now that I am not really a high libido person, rather a medium high if you base it on straight physical need. I think that if you add the need for intimacy (not just an orgasm) to the formula then the results show me as an extremely high libido. This is the distinction that many of us here on the site have been describing.
This is the first book I’ve read that is real (I’ve read quite a few sex/relationship help books). It strikes at the heart of issues and describes them frankly and honestly. Finally, a woman that publicly admits that sex is a good thing! I’m going to employ a reversal technique (do the opposite of what isn’t working) of doing FEWER gestures of romance and pretend that I don’t really want sex (in other words bite my tongue until it bleeds) while still being civil. I’m still utterly puzzled that the fact that I am trying to improve our relationship is, according to what my wife has told me, the problem.
Here’s a question for Michele: If being kind and generous isn’t working then is being a bit more stormy tempered the answer? Is it possible that starting a relationship being nice and kind is actually a mistake? I see the husbands that have started out in the marriage pretty rough; they cause a lot of pain and frustration for their wives for a while, then make a few upgrades and the wife is ecstatic that she’s getting positive changes in the relationship. Could it be that starting rough gives the woman (or a low libido guy) something to smooth out? Perhaps we nice guys made a mistake by starting with the bar way too high for us to keep up with, therefore the expectations for change from the low libber’s viewpoint are farther out of reach.
Let me see if I can effectively illustrate what I’m trying to get at: Let’s say there’s this new husband and he’s a bit of a lazy bastard, never even remember’s their anniversary or her birthday, calls her “fat bitch” and has gained a big old whopping beer gut in the couple years that they’ve been married. His wife is aching for him to change his ways. She approaches him with her issues. He acts like a lightbulb has gone off and starts working out, brings her flowers occasionally, and gives her a romantic dinner on her birthday. The bar for measuring the difference between his previous character and the change was very low. This is why I think you fellows, (Sooner and FredD) are having a tough time like me. We started out too nice now there’s not enough room to go up. Bringing her flowers has less of an impact than it does for Ol’ Fat Bastard. When he brings flowers she thinks there’s been a miracle and is happier than hell.
I’m getting away from my pep talk for you boys (I shouldn’t be talking since my sex life sucks, but somehow it is easier to help someone else than to help yourself.) Anyway, my point is that I know for me that exposure to the stimuli (i.e. hot lady that I’m insanely and passionately in love with...) causes a lot of pain and frustration. It could be that in our situations that we need to give them more room and give ourselves more distance from the object of our desire. I know this is only helps temporarily but when you’re just about to go insane then desperate measures need to be taken. Get away for a day or so, give something to yourself, try out a new hobby, hang out with friends. Yeah, I know these are lame ideas but getting a little break from the object of your frustration might be the next best thing to basking in its radiation. I actually miss my lady’s love more when she’s right next to me than when I’m physically away from her. I’m not sure it all that makes any sense.
I had a no show weekend, as well. Been working out at Gold’s gym to help deal with some frustrations. Helps a little, temporarily.
