Get Me on a Smoother Ride.....Need Advice, Part 11

[JoieDeVivre]

The tanning is a small issue compared to the other things (drinking, drunk driving...etc.). It's just one of the many things my H has done during all of this. I told my sister the other night that I know it would cause hell for us, but there have been times, even recently that I wish he'd get caught. However, I think that would probably push him over the edge instead of make him hit bottom and look for ways to improve. I'd told everyone that he drove my vehicle on Sat. night. Well, on Sunday morning when we went to breakfast, I asked him if he'd parked in front or back. His response was.....You think I remember.

Sue,
I read this a few days ago but didn't respond. But it's weighed heavily on my mind ever since. My H is in deep trouble for drinking and driving. He was always drinking and driving. He would never listen to me when I warned him about getting caught. He would always say 'nothing's going to happen.' Famous last words! Well, he did get caught. There was an accident (not his fault) but since he'd been drinking, he's going to have to pay the penalty anyway. It's not something your H wants to experience. Drunk driving laws are TOUGH. It seems like they treat DWIs with as much force as they do felony crimes! And, if you hurt someone while drinking and driving, it is a felony crime. You're looking at incarceration. Not to mention, a loss of license, which could mean loss of job, etc.

It also happened to the H of a friend of mine. This guy is a lawyer. It was a summer day; he cut the grass; had about 3 beers then ran out do an errand. Same scenario -- he was in an accident, it was someone else's fault. But the cop smelled beer on his breath. End of story. He got 3 years probation. It doesn't matter who are or what you do in life, your economical or social status, etc. You are prosecuted.

Like I said, it's been on my mind just because I can't tell you how many times after my H's accident that I didn't kick my own ass for not speaking up louder or sooner. I must have wished a million times that I had done something! Not that it would have done any good. But I had the same thoughts as you before it happened to my H. I prayed that if it did happen, that he would not hurt or kill anyone else.

I know you're already going through a lot of crap with him right now and just is this one more thing. But I wanted to speak up because if I had it to do over again, I would do something, anything, to get my H's attention. Hind sight is 20/20. The only problem is I don't know what I would have done. So although I'm sharing my scenario with you, I don't know what to tell you to do! He's not going to want to listen to you. But if there is anything you can do to get his attention -- an intervention of some sort from someone he will listen to? A brother or sister? I just don't want anyone else to have to go through something like that...

(((HUGS FROM ME )))

Joie

[SueS]

Hi Joie-

Thanks for your input. I really do understand. My dad was caught way too many times. At that time, there wasn't much of a penalty. His last time was 8 years ago. That's when he went sober. The penalties have gotten a lot stiffer since then, but it still hurt my parents back then. I know I shouldn't wish that on anyone, even H. I just need him to hit some sort of a bottom. Not just for him, but for D3. He needs to see what's important in his life and he's not seeing it. I don't want her to get pushed away from him so far that she doesn't want him as part of her life. I know she's young now, but she's going to start having memories of these types of things soon.

This is something that I've dealt with since my H and I first got together. There were times, especially after D3 was born, that if H was going out, I would insist that I dropped him off where he was going and picked him up....no matter the time. He DOES NOT listen. He just doesn't. He never has. We (me, his family, some of his friends) have all talked to him about it. He doesn't see it as a problem. He thinks that because he doesn't drink daily, that he doesn't have a problem. His issue is that typically, when he starts, he doesn't stop. That typically applies mostly when he's out at a bar or at some sort of function. He will come home and if he's still awake, he'll look for any alcohol in the house. It doesn't matter what it is, just as long as it's alcohol. This is also a man who, at least at one time, didn't believe that you could become an alcoholic just by drinking beer! I was dumbfounded when he said that. I told him that my father never drank an ounce of wine or hard liquour in his life. It was beer only for him. My dad was a horrible (sloppy, but not angry) alcoholic for years. It really hurt too when my H commented that my dad wouldn't be "as fun" to be around after he quit drinking. I explained that my mom, sister and I had gone through horrible times because of his drinking and that I'd appreciate it if he'd be a little more supportive of my dad's decision. My mom actually commented one of the last times they were here, that they had a great time with H because he wasn't drinking. She told me that to be honest, it was one of the few times they'd ever been around him that he didn't drink.

H promised me when I was pregnant with D3 that he would stop. He said that if I couldn't drink, he wouldn't either. It lasted about a month. The town we lived in when I was pregnant with D3 was notorious for their DUI arrests. I remember one time waking up at about midnight. H had been out. I looked out the window and saw flashing lights. The cops had someone pulled over just at the entrance to our complex. I waited and waited. H walked in the door. I was frantic and told him that I thought they'd pulled him over. He laughed saying, no, they already had someone pulled over....I didn't want to drive by them, so I parked across the street and walked home. He was loaded.

Before we got married, H and I were at his cousin's wedding. One of his other cousin's got into a fight and in the aftermath, his cousin and he were arrested. They were both drunk. His dad told me that night that I needed to decide if that was what I wanted. I was blind in love with him (sometimes still am) and I thought I could see past it. Even then his family knew what he was like with alcohol, but couldn't stop it.

I know you all think I'm probably crazy to want to be with this man. He's got an alcohol problem and is involved in his second affair. It's remembering all the good times (and there were a lot) and remembering the love that keeps me wanting to be here. As my C says, someday the blinds might close for me and I won't want this any more. But for right now, I want to stay and fight. I don't know if I'm doing a very good job, but I'm staying.....for now.

Joie-Thanks again.

-Quiet night last night. H got home from work around 10:00. I had a hard time getting D3 to bed. H helped a little, but then got ready to go "workout". I did pester him a little, because I swore he put cologne on before he left. I mean c'mon, putting cologne on to go to the gym at 11:00 pm. I'm not stupid! I doubt he went to "workout". Well, not the workout you and I would expect. No communication today.

SueS

[ntl]

I know you all think I'm probably crazy to want to be with this man. He's got an alcohol problem and is involved in his second affair. It's remembering all the good times (and there were a lot) and remembering the love that keeps me wanting to be here. As my C says, someday the blinds might close for me and I won't want this any more. But for right now, I want to stay and fight. I don't know if I'm doing a very good job, but I'm staying.....for now.

No way, man. I totally get it. My H has cheated on me three times and here I am...still believing in the good man inside. Yes, to his credit, he is fighting his heart out for me this time and is doing things I never thought possible (going to SAA--Sex Addicts Anonymous, coming clean to our parents, etc.), but still.

I'll never judge you or anyone else. If anyone read about me, they'd probably think I was a moron for sticking around. But I'm the only one living in my shoes...and I've got to do the walking.

Love and hugs to you, friend.

ntl

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, Every one of us who's been through this has been told 'You must be crazy' plenty of times.

Sure, if it was all about cold logic and taking the path of least resistance, we would have given up long ago. But it's about loving someone - and every one of our spouses has behaved in ways that have saddened us, disgusted us, and made us feel ashamed for them. We don't stand for our marriages because our loved ones are making us proud and happy - we stand because we hope they will drag themselves out of their pit, and we hope that someday they will make us proud and happy again.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hope H hitting bottom and starting back up comes sooner rather than later, and that 'bottom' doesn't involve the kind of worst-case scenario that drunk driving can become. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and that little angel!

[SueS]

ntl-

Thanks so much. I did read your thread. I've been lurking since you started posting but it didn't catch my eye until earlier today that your H had 3 A's. This is tough stuff. I'm fortunate to have a lot of people who are very supportive of me and especially fortunate to have found this site. I actually was on this site during my H's first A. It was a life saver then and is now. I'm registered as of 6/05, but had just popped on a few times back then. I came back on immediately this time after I found out about H's A. Yes, I do have the friends and family that don't understand. To them I just say, (as you said) unless they've lived in my shoes, they don't understand. One friend has been through this hell. She's divorced, but understands why I want to fight.

Good for you that your H is fighting for you this time and doing the things he's doing. I hope he keeps it up.

Thanks for stopping by!

Love & hugs to you also-

SueS

[SueS]

Thanks Rob-

I truly do hope that H's hitting bottom also does not include a drunk driving charge. I do. I get angry and sad, but I'm scared for him at the same time. I'm just not the type of person to hold a grudge and say.....I hope this happens to you or I want you to hurt like I have. I just don't have it in me.

I remember worrying that my dad would end up in an accident some day or worse yet, hurt someone else. I still worry about my H.

I will take care of myself and my angel. I have to!

I was listening to the radio in the car on my lunch. I don't typically listen to religious stations. Nothing wrong with it, I just don't. I've not been very committed to my faith lately. I was flipping through channels when I came on Joyce Meyer. I thought she was talking to me. She kept saying things like, if you're in a bad spot in your life, go back to God. If you're very confused about things, go back to God. If you're out of balance and you can't seem to get your life in control, get back to God. I just told Sheila that I'd planned on going back to church. Guess maybe Joyce was pushing me a little too!

SueS

[believing_isaiah43]

I love Joyce Meyer; you can watch her broadcasts online too.

[JoieDeVivre]

Sue,
I don't think you're crazy either. We're all in the same boat - no matter how choppy it gets.

I hear you about your H and the drinking. I also know matter what I tried to tell my H that it probably would have fallen on deaf ears. I just wish I had tried harder. He'll have to pay the price, and hopefully in the end he'll be a better person for it.

Joie

[Startingover2]

I don't think you are crazy either. I am living the same nightmare. My H is an alcoholic and is doing his 'thing'. I am currently pregnant too. I also have warned him about the DUI factor and he has already gotten one about 6 years ago so if he got caught again he would be in a world of trouble.

No, you are not alone!!

[NoCodeBlues]

A sane man (or woman) in an insane world... must appear insane.