It's Sunday night and my wife and I just got back from California. The weekend didn't go as I had hoped. Her flight was delayed Thursday night and finally arrived at 11:30 Pacific Time (1:30 a.m. back home). I picked her up at the airport and took her to the hotel. She was worn out from the long night of traveling so I knew there was no chance of anything romantic happening that night. As usual we fell asleep three feet apart from each other in a king sized bed. Nothing happened the next morning either, although I didn't expect it to.
Nonetheless, our first day together was very nice. We had breakfast at a little place on the water while in view of the USS Abraham Lincoln which had just returned to port. We could see all of the sailors lined up around the perimeter of the ship as we ate. Next we did some shopping at a couple of nice places in San Diego and mainly bought souvenirs for our girls. We then crossed the border and spent 3 or 4 hours looking around Tijuana while holding hands most of the time. Of course she was probably just scared of the locals (kidding actually).
After we crossed back into the states, we found her uncle's old condo on the beach where she had stayed for a while during the summer several years ago (before we met). It was getting dark so we drove back downtown and had dinner, then we headed back to the hotel. Again, we went to sleep without so much as a kiss or a cuddle. The next morning I cuddled up to her a little, and pretty quickly she hopped out of bed to get in the shower (without inviting me to join her of course).
I lost it at that point. I had planned to just have a good time together and basically pretend to be happy even if nothing romantic happened the whole weekend. If I could at least have done that, maybe she would start to enjoy being alone with me - without dreading the possibility of the sex argument. But I screwed up and said something - I don't even remember what - and the sex argument got started. The rest of the trip was miserable for both of us. I became a complete jerk, said things that I'm sure she'll hold against me for the rest of our lives, and as usual I wouldn't let the argument die. I hate myself when I become that person, so I obviously wouldn't expect my wife to love me either. I am utterly stupid!
We're back home now, with our girls, and we're getting along okay at the moment - back to being roommates again I suppose. But I've now realized that things will probably never get any better as long as I continue to try and fix them. I feel like a fool. I've worked so hard to try and become the perfect husband and to try and understand what my wife might be going through. I understand that she didn't intentionally lose her sex drive, and I don't blame her for that one bit. But it makes me so mad that she can know, at least to a point, how badly I'm hurting over this, yet she's unwilling to put any effort into fixing the problem. Granted, she's made a couple of very minimal efforts - I'll give her that - but my happiness is way down on her priority list. I feel like she's being completely selfish.
I'm to the point that I want to stop caring, but I don't know how. I won't neglect my responsibilities as her "roommate", but I also don't really care to keep doing things just for her. I could be the most affectionate, loving, thoughful husband in the world, but why should I be when my happiness is not the least bit important to her. I had hopes of taking weekend trips without the kids more often, going on "dates", or even just watching an occasional movie together after the girls go to sleep. I was planning to send her flowers weekly for no reason. But I don't plan to do those things anymore. It occurs to me that a big part of my falling in love with my wife was the fact that she was in love with me. I don't belive that she is anymore, and while I'll always love her, I think that eventually I'll no longer be "in love" with her. That's the only thing I can think of that might make the hurt I'm feeling right now go away. I honestly believe that nothing I could possibly do will fix our problems - so why keep trying? My wife has to decide on her own that she wants a loving, intimate relationship with me, and if she should do that I'll give her more love than she ever dreamed of - assuming it's not too late anyway.
Why does marriage have to involve the same stupid games that you play when you're dating?
