NF - Thanks for the compliment! I have always loved my kids and have always enjoyed spending time with them.
I coached every one of their soccer teams. When two of them had soccer in the same season they would have a tug-a-war over who's team I'd coach. A memory: while we were working on our house, I'd go to the hardware store often. I'd invite them, and sometimes all four of 'em would come. W would have some time alone, to herself. Out shopping, I was sooooo proud to be their dad. People would look at me, amazed. The kids helped me shop, and they'd all pick out something sweet at the checkout. Sometimes we'd go to the library afterwards. I had an old volvo wagon, but I didn't envy anyone driving a brand new BMW. My wagon fit my life, my kids, me. They'd crash their bikes into it, step on the seats with their dirty shoes, and it was fine. I didn't mind.
One autumn night, after it had rained all day, dinner was over, and I said, "let's go for a bike ride!" W wanted some quiet time so the kids and I went without her. I packed 5 bikes in the car and drove to a park, where there were paved bike paths. My youngest was probably 3 or 4, she went in a bike trailer. And the D9 was probably 5 or 6 then, riding training wheels. The boys had their own new bikes...
We rode on the rain-soaked trail as the sun was setting, and in the dusk I could see frogs hopping across the trail. We'd stop every 200 yards and my daughter would jump out and catch a frog. The kids caught 4 frogs that night, each one totally different. We saw some deer up close that night, too. I used to love doing stuff like that. Just being there.
All last summer - the summer of her discontent - in the evening I played frisbee and tossed the baseball and organized croquet tournaments with the kids. I'd invite W to come out and she'd decline.
These days it's like I am trying to distill the good times with my kids into our short visits. When I was in the house I was more concerned about "responsibility." You know, hand washing reminders, "in this house, we don't leave our coats on the floor", "where do wet towels go after the bath?", and "TV after homework" etc. But now that I am out of the house there is much less of that, of course. All that is left is the play time.
I'm like the fun uncle now.
I feel so much loss.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
And something else - it feels like I am tearing myself apart as I force more practical reality into our situation. I still feel so close to her that going unilateral (closing joint accounts etc), feels like me attacking her. I hate this feeling. This is my wife! Who I promised to be True to, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Love and Honor, all the days of my life. And this is what it has come to.
Taking control of the finances, it really *is* a controlling act. This is hard for me because control is the thing she complains about soooo much to me. Especially in the last 5 months, when I have been out of the house and all our income (*my* income) goes to her. But it is not to control *her* that I act now. I am trying to control what I can of my own life, which means an apartment and a place to bring my kids to. It means a garage of my own again, and my things, and my place. I need a place, and would prefer to share it with my wife, but only if the sharing is suffused with good will - honest, committed, compassionate, and patient. Lacking that now, I am getting my own place which means we need to sell the house and cut the credit card crap, which means I am taking over.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Perhaps you could look at taking control of the finances more like defending your and your kids' future. In the current situation you and your W will erode all of the assets that could be available in the future to help your kids. Where there are kids involved, we have to put their interests first, even at the expense of dad or (perish the thought) mom.
Right now your W is only thinking about your W. If she is not in a place to act responsibly, then you must.
She's a 25-ish woman who found out her husband doctor was having an EA. She details her efforts to get back to the dating scene.
It's written from a woman's point of view, and a young woman at that. But still it's entertaining. Who knew that divorced people were having so much fun while having sex?
Gawd, I hope one day I have sex again! 10 months and counting...
I had a physical exam today. Just one of those things I've been meaning to do. My doctor ordered blood tests for STDs. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that previously. It seemed pretty obvious to him, in cases of infidelity.
Get yet head outta the sand, man!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
In her book, she talks about how she got started in her photography career. She was always snapping photos but wasn't serious about it until after the breakup. I didn't know she had a blog!
It's validating to read her story, but of course, everyone's situation is different. She was essentially a LBS, which I can identify with. But, in the memoir, she's 25, she lives in Manhattan, she has no children, and her in-laws are horrified at their son's behavior. None of these apply to me. [Just writing this I had the urge to call up W's father and tell him what really happenned. I actually picked up the phone and was almost dialing it. But I resisted the urge to cry out to him, good for me! I don't need to keep playing the holier-than-thou victim. a small victory for me. ]
10 months with no sex, no I Love You, that's nothing, eh? Well, it's something for me. It's a looooong time.
18 months is even longer.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
A big {{{hug}}} for you for being such a loving father. I really wish you and other good dads (and kids) didn't have to go through this. I know how painful it feels.
So, how much do you get to see the children? How often do they stay with you? Do try to get as much custody as you can. Make sure you get to watch them as often as possible. In fact, offer to take them whenever possible. Mention to your W that you realize how hard it is to be a single mom (use empathy and make it sound like you are doing her a favor!), and you'd be happy to take the kids so she can go out and do something special for herself (even if it is with OM. That's okay... hopefully they'll get sick of each other..). This will help you in court. It will show you are a great dad and help insure you get a good amount of custody. Also, make sure you document all this as well.
You definitely need to dump joint accounts, credit cards, etc... She needs to know what divorce will feel like and that this is going to make a big financial impact on her life. Also, this will help you financially if the divorce does go through. You need her existing on a reasonable amount of money. When she sends one of her emails complaining about this just be super syrupy nice and say something like, "I'm really sorry, but this is something we need to do for the divorce. This will help it go through more quickly...." Anything that makes it sound like you are doing this to actually HELP her (hee hee!!!!). Anytime my husband got angry and blamed me about stuff like this I'd apologize, say I'm really sorry, but I know this will help us move this thing along (even if it didn't, and I was actually doing everything I could to stall the divorce as much as possible). Another thing is to blame the attorney. "I'm sorry, but my attorney told me I need to.... and I have to take his advice. That's what we're paying these guys for."
Another thing, is when my husband would complain about things taking so long or what my attorney was doing or whatever I'd just say.... "Hey, don't worry. In six months this will all be over. It will be okay. Life will be great.... blah blah blah." Always try to make everything sound like you are doing it for them. And also, doing it because you want her to be happy and you know this divorce is going to make both of you happier, (well... you and I know it isn't the answer, but she'll just have to figure that one out on her own while you are 100 steps ahead).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
