Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

Hi dom... thanks. this turned out long, i kinda got into rambling.. oops. anyways. i really appreciate the ideas.

I don't know... i put my puppy in the kitchen, put newpaper by the doggie door and told her to go outside. LOL... j/k i get the reference.

A schedule would be good and maybe just ask him to do those things a couple times a week or something at first. I really hate the idea of treating him like a child or puppy or employee, but i understand the concept. No one has ever made him do anything before and now he's pretty comfy where he's at.

He's very good about the details and I tend to look at the big picture. I am a procrastinator by nature so when i clean, take care of bills, or anything else that i don't want to do, i have a set way that makes me just do it. I have to do lists and charts and stuff gets done. I look at the house and so long as it is all picked up, it's good. H looks at one thing for instance, the kitchen counter, and sees one thing on it and is complaining about it. I just keep thinking, it's not a mess, it needs a place to sit. he can't some up with one, so there it sits. Or i relocate it and we start all over again.

I remember one time, i got him to help me fold the laundry, he folded 3 of his tshirts and i had the rest of the pile done. Everything had to be perfect, every fold. I just don't get that. it's another reason i have always done everything, stuff takes him forever because it has to be juuuust perfect. I just get it done well, i'm not perfect, i never will be.

I can't ask him to just work on the R.
why not? and what do you mean, by "just work on the R" ?
maybe you just need to be more specific with him.
(like.. really specific)

That's what i mean, i can't ask him just "Can you work on R like you said you would" i have to be more specific. I guess for me, when it comes spefically to the R, he needs to work on himself. His insecurities (he's always had them) and his ability to deal with stress and anger. I'm trying to work on me and my issues, but won't even face his.

I can't ask him to be nicer (he doesn't get that).
okay, lets be more accurate: sounds more like, "you asked him to be nicer. He didnt understand what you meant".
yes?
not at all the same thing as "you cant ask him".

If so, then its a translation problem. The problem is that you arent spelling out HOW to be nicer to you.

Yeah, so when i'm typing and upset, it doesn't come across very well, thank you for translating. When i ask him not to talk to me like I'm a child or to not insult me for doing things my way, he gets upset and can't see how he's ever done that. I'll try your approach of telling him right in the instant. I think that will help alot.

I can't ask him to be less critical of me and more appreciative.
I dont see why not.

getting your marriage to a point where you are happy with it, is going to take a lot of work.
from you.

When i say i can't (for all these things), it's not that i physically can't, it's that i can't without it starting some sort of fight or drama and most of those end up about EA and OM or that it doesn't do any good and i can't keep asking for my own sake.

It's like when he can see that i'm physically in the act of cleaning and asks me why i'm not doing a certain thing or that something is is not done well enough. I need to say 'see, you are being over critical right now, can you please speak to me differently', but instead i feel like saying "fine, do it yourself if i can't do it good enough for you." i guess it's in the way he's saying it and that's what i can't get across to him. the words themselves aren't that bad, it's the tone and the body language when he says them that hurts.

it's funny, his friend that he used to work construction with always used to call him the supervisor, cause he was really good at telling people what to do, but not so good at doing it himself. I guess that's how i feel now. he's the supervisor and he decides to do and gets mad when i don't do it his way. I end up feeling like i just can't do anything good enough. I hate that and that is what gets to me, that's how i felt before.