Well, the job situation must be making him very nervous. On top of his own doubts about R and all...For him the move truly is a huge leap of faith. I'm sure it's very hard for him. If he keeps making baby steps towards it though, it's still progress.
{{{klm}}} Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I know that it is making him very nervous. He has been in the AF for six years and now is suddenly without a job. He is still getting a paycheck for a little longer though. He doesn't have a job in TX either though...so I am not sure what is keeping him there other than OW. ALSO he is renting a house with OW and another guy...paying rent and we have a perfectly good house sitting in TX empty. Seems to me that after I left he should have moved back into the house to save money but he told me he couldn't. ..Not sure why.
What I am worried about is him finding a job in TX and then being there forever. I wish he would come here and look for a job...but he has to make that decision on his own. He put the deposit on the apartment and told them he would be here on the 15th, but he hasn't really mentioned it much since. Although he did aske me "am I still moving there if I don't get that job?" I think when the 15th rolls around he will still be in TX, unless the place that I work for calls him for an interview which it doesn't look like is going to happen.
Maybe he didn't feel any financial strain with paying rent and there are just too many mixed emotions attached to that house. Or maybe he signed a lease at the new place and didn't want to leave them hanging for his part of the rent. Who knows. I'm sure it made perfect sense to him in his head - doesn't it always?
As for the job, if he doesn't get it, the money issues will start putting some pressure on him to figure things out even if you never say a word. As you noted, it has to be his choice. It's so hard to sit back and watch, but I have the same problem you do with coming to the rescue of my H. It's so hard to be patient.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Ok, talked to H earlier today. I called him to see if the people from my company called him...unfortunately they didn't. So here is part of the conversation:
Me: So if they don't call you, then what? H: Well, I guess I will have to put in some applications...and I will put some in here (TX) too. Me: If you don't want to live there then why would you try to get a job there? H: Because I have to work somewhere. Me: If you say you want to live here (AL) then I don't see why you wouldn't take a leap of faith and just do it. You don't have anything keeping you there anymore. H: It is expensive to move Me: I thought you told your parents to help you move instead of getting you anything for Christmas H: I did, but it would just save them some money if I stayed here. Me: I am sure they would rather you be here than save some money. H: I think YOU are the one that wants me there. Me: Yes, I do. I have told you that. H: Well, I want to be there too...it is just stressful to think about moving and getting a job. Me: The only difference in being here and there is moving your stuff, its not like you have a job there. H: I know it is just expensive. Me: So leave your stuff (He only has a couch, washer, and dryer..everything else will fit in his car), it isn't like you have that much. H: I can't just leave my stuff. Me: So, you are going to stay somewhere you don't want to be because of a couch, a washer, and a dryer?? H: I think everything will work out. Things have a way of working out. You know I want to be there.
That was the jist. If he wants to be here then what is the big freaking deal?? It may seem like I am pushing him, but I almost feel like he WANTS me to push him. I am just so frustrated....patience.
I just saw the post that you left yesterday Michelle. I do think that he signed a lease at the house is why he was still there. I think it was up in December though...which makes me nervous that he has signed another one since he is still there. I hope not. He hasn't said that he has and he acts like he could leave.
I don't think he felt any financial strain at the time. That is about to change though. He has been paying me half the bills, his car payment, and rent on that house. He is paying them more in rent than what he is giving me for half the mortgage! That seems odd to me since there are supposedly three of them splitting it but whatever. I do think he didn't want to be at the house for emotional reasons. He just kept saying I CAN'T stay there.
I do have a very big problem with coming to H's rescue. He just makes bad decisions though. For instance, he waived the right to have the AF move him back here. He said that he couldn't give them a date and wasn't sure he was coming so he just told them he didn't want them to move him. Now his excuse for not moving is financial reasons. He should not have made that decision until the very last second. Now he says he can't go back on it.
Also, he has put everything into this one job. If they don't call him then he is screwed and has wasted over a month of job hunting time. When looking for a job you can't just put in one application and that's it.
If he doesn't make a decision by the end of the month then he will lose the apartment. I just really feel like he wants to do this but I don't know what is holding him back. He has TOLD me he wants to do it.
I totally am with you on the bad decisions part. My H does EXACTLY the same type of thing. When I'm not pissed at him, I look at it more in the light that I am just the more practical one and he is the more spontaneous one. However, when it causes problems for me, it's hard to be patient/understanding and I tend to see them as BAD decisions instead of acknowledging that maybe there is something behind it that he hasn't told me. My H also tends to get very set on one idea (like your H and this one job) and often throws all his eggs in one basket. Again, sometimes I think this shows a strong desire that he knows what he wants, other times I want to smack him for being stupid lol.
You are right that finances are your H's excuse right now. I think it's a plausible excuse for his emotional uncertainties. Maybe similar to my H and using finances as his excuse for not filing for D yet?
As for the fact that he seems to want the pressure, I think maybe it's more he wants reassurances? But like my H, he doesn't actually ask for them, and it's hard to know what he actually wants you to say - my H seems to expect me to be a mind reader sometimes lol. The only thing I can say is listen to him, validate his feelings, be there for him, but don't pressure him. I try and keep the see-saw theory in mind where if you do the worrying he doesn't have to. Does that even make sense? I just got home from work and am tired, so *shrugs* lol. Anyways, I'm sure he is thinking about these things, he's probably just not saying a lot of it to you. As always, patience is the key.
{{{klm}}} Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Maybe reassurance is the word I was looking for. He keeps telling me he wants my opinion and asking me what he should do.
The apartment place called H on Friday since he had told them he was going to be moving in on the 15th. Apparently they had told him to have the power turned on so they could do some work on it before he moved in. They called to tell him that since he hadn't turned it on that it wouldn't be ready. He said that he told them he would do that Monday and they asked if he could wait until next weekend to move in. He called me and said "Well, I guess I am moving there this weekend." The way he said it just kind of made me wonder if it is what he really wants. Maybe I am analyzing it too much.
I have kind of gone into a panic since he said that. I am just worried about feeling the need to take care of him. What if he can't find a job? What if he hates it here? What if he regrets moving here? I mean I want him here so bad but I want him to WANT to be here. I guess he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't want to. But, somehow I feel like if he gets here and is still unhappy he will blame it on me.
I think we need to get into counseling ASAP. He would be willing to go. He is also good about talking about things. Hopefully I can get past this panic I am in. I know this a step that has to be taken if we are going to work on things. ..We'll see if he shows up here this weekend.
P.S. ...I still haven't looked at the phone bill. I didn't shred it...but the temptation doesn't seem to be as strong.
Don't worry too much about what he said. If he turns the power on this week and moves, then that's what counts, not how he said it. Despite his wavering and taking forever on the job and moving, he is definitely taking baby steps in the right direction.
As for it he wavers, it will be pretty easy for him to blame you if things don't go like he wants. So don't give him too many opportunities. No pressure, no suggestions unless asked for, no fixing things for him. Make it be his decision and if he does try and put it on you, don't let him.
It's good he's willing to go to counseling. Just stay focused on the positives.
And kudos on resisting the phone bill temptation!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I know he is taking baby steps in the right direction. I am just scared now it is because I feel like I have put pressure on him. I am so afraid of him coming here and me falling back into that role of taking care of him. I just know I will feel he is my responsibility because I wanted him here so bad. I really am pathetic.
Like I said I am probably analyzing too much. I just can't be responsible for his happiness again.
Here is an email from H. I sent him an email earlier to give him the number to the power company. He had asked me to get this for him on Friday. I also had told him that I hope he doesn't feel like I am pressuring him to move. I want it to be his decision.
Quote:
well i called and apparently, and ill try to explain this the best i can based on the way the woman described it. first off, the power is already turned on. ok how that came to be: the lady that we both talked to that day said, ya know, for ME to turn it on monday so that they can come in and paint and whatnot. well apparently her boss or some other guy that knew that work was gonna be done to that apartment went ahead and got the power turned on so they could paint or whatever. so now all i have to do is when i move in, transfer the power or whatever to my name. so maybe that wasnt too confusing. main point: power is already turned on. im going to go to uhaul today and see about getting a hitch after i go to the gym. dont worry about thinking you are pressuring me. i am a big boy and i realize my decisions. so please dont think that. i dont mind your input at all. i welcome it. it kind of helps me gauge whether or not i should do something cause lord knows i dont have the common-sense to figure it out on my own. anyway im about to go work out and then go to uhaul. i dont have my phone with me so in case XY company calls me...anyway ill holler at you later.
So anyway, I guess I will stop worrying about it. I will just give my input when he asks...but stop offering it. That way he won't be able to "blame" me for anything.
