Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[Dom R]

[ ... How do you suggest i help him? ... ]

i've asked him if he can do little things, for instance:

if i make sure that the laundry is caught up and the basket in the bathroom is empty, would you be able to put your things in the basket when you get ready? That would help me to keep the room cleaned up.

would you be able to unload the dishes and put them away for me at some point during your day, so I can just load up the dishwasher after dinner. That would give us a little more time in the evenings.

I think those are great!

What you might do, instead of asking him to be permently aware of those things, is to work out a schedule of when he needs to do those things.

seems to me, this is a basic difference between men and women. Women have the "notice things around the house 24/7" ability. Men usually dont.

I read recently, that this could actually be related to basic deep developmental brain diferences.
Men's brains are fundamentally made to have a very narrow focus (and dont multi-task well). Whereas women are funandentally made to keep looking at the "bigger picture".

Give him a specific focus(ie: a specific schedule), and he'll do much better.

(you might like the book, "men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti" or something like that)


I can't ask him to just work on the R.
why not? and what do you mean, by "just work on the R" ?
maybe you just need to be more specific with him.
(like.. really specific)

I can't ask him to be nicer (he doesn't get that).
okay, lets be more accurate: sounds more like, "you asked him to be nicer. He didnt understand what you meant".
yes?
not at all the same thing as "you cant ask him".

If so, then its a translation problem. The problem is that you arent spelling out HOW to be nicer to you.


I can't ask him to be less critical of me and more appreciative.
I dont see why not.

getting your marriage to a point where you are happy with it, is going to take a lot of work.
from you.

I'm going to make a management comparison. sorry, but its the best i have right now, even though I myself am a bad manager but at least I know the practical theory of it.

You are the relationship "manager". it's in your court to manage it.
It's your responsability to make sure that both of you understand
and do the things you both need to do.

With a "manager/employee" dynamic, it is the manager's responsability that the employee
1. knows what his job is
2. knows HOW to do his job
3. helps him stay motivated to do his job.

If an otherwise willing employee doesnt understand what his job is or how to do it.. it's considered the fault of the manager, not the employee.


You have a similar responsability.
You need to let your husband know,
1. what he needs to do in your relationship
2. HOW he needs to do it
3. Help him stay motivated.
(you CAN also ask him to help you be motivated, although you need to do it indirectly. Figure out what things help you stay motivated, then ask him to do those things for you, as "working on the relationship" tasks)

Related to what I'm saying, about it being your responsability to make sure he "stays on track in his job":

You've already said that he doesnt understand what "being nicer" means. That means you need to train him.
Kinda like training a puppy

When he isnt being nice... you stop him, right then and there, and tell him, "you're not being nice right now, please stop it".
When he IS being nice... you praise him! right then and there.
that's the way he will really "get it".

(see why I used the puppy analogy? )


If you put in the daily (hourly, minute-by-minute) effort to help him in this way... then since he cares about helping you feel better.. you should eventually see long term results sticking.
It's a pain in the rear to train a puppy. But the long-term benefits, outweigh the shorter-term troubles, do they not?


He does seem to have an additional problem about responsability avoidance, through the OM tactic.
You shouldnt allow that to continue.
It is manipulation of you.
At some point, you probably should address that issue, and put it to rest once and for all.

That is to say, perhaps something along the lines of,

"I dont expect you to forget about the OM. I dont expect you to not feel hurt about the OM.
I do expect you to make up your mind once and for all, about whether we are going to work on this marriage together.

I have given up on OM, permenantly, and have chosen to work on our marriage, and our relationship, with all my efforts.
I would like you to do the same.
We need to both be committed to actively working on our marriage, and making it better for us.

Using 'you were involved with OM' in the past, as an excuse to not work on our marriage, is not right.

I need you to commit to working on our marriage alongside me, with no more excuses like that any more.
I need you to stop holding that over my head, and show me that you want a happy marriage together, by keeping the past in the past as much as possible, and instead, working on a happy future together.


Will you do that?