Ewe makes awesome points. I would not back down as it relates to your kids. I honestly believe that he did make a choice to be gone. You did not make that choice so as they say bend (just a wee bit), but don't break. My H tried to pull similar crap. He wanted to change the time arrangements with our son. He also started to bit-h about finances. I told him essentially the same thing you did. "You decided not to stay, you decided to not be a productive part of this marriage and you decided you wanted a D. I will not change the visiting arrangements and I am not sympathetic to your financial situation. You are the only one who had a choice in this. I was forced into accepting this situation." I stood my ground, was very unemotional when I said this and told him if these sorts of discussions were to continue it was best he get his lawyer because clearly it was too heated for the the both of us. I was not emotional, I did not yell scream or curse. That was a month ago and let me tell you we are still seperated but I have not heard the D word since. I mentioned the D word the other day just trying to see where his head was at and he told me that every disscussion did not have to end up with us talking about divorce and to stop all my overreacting. Now I am not sure that means he wants to stay as he is still gone, but it forced him to think about his behavior and the consequences of it.
I tried to post this on the "Advice from those in Piecing" thread...but got no replies.
So I'll try here and see if any passers-by can offer an input.
Right now, my H feels like a complete stranger. I mean, I barely recognize him and any connections we used to have seem to be gone gone gone. This is so weird when were together for 9 years and were eachothers best friend. Anyway, because we have 2 very small children we see eachother often. We are at the beginning of custody discussions and so far it is not going well as we disagree entirely on what is best for the kids (I still think he's looking out for his own selfish needs and not first and foremost those of the kids) So things are tense right now and I expect them to get worse. I have been and will continue to DB my butt off, but I will not be forced into making decisions regarding my kids that I don't agree with. No way.
So my question is two-fold. 1) Can this whole custody thing put a major dent in any chance of reconciliation? Did anyone else have this to deal with? Any advice on how to stand for what I believe in and protect my kids without doing damage to my DB efforts?
2) My H seems to be gone entirely. I don't recognize him. Our connection is gone too, I don't even think he recognizes me anymore. I am telling myself that this too is part of the process and that H is just in the darkest part of the tunnel. Hoepfully that means he's moving THROUGH it! Did any of the successful people feel at any point like it was really already gone? Is this just a sign of good detachment?
I completely realize that every person and sitch is different and I am not looking for any blanket statements to apply to my sitch and give me magic answers. I feel I am really at the point of having let go and would just like some feedback on how others felt at this stage. Thank in advance to anyone of those 'piecers' who respond! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Hi Jenny...I wanted to pop by your thread and tell you I am supporting and thinking of you. You have some good questions above and would be interested in the answers myself.
Take care and thanks for responding yesterday!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Jenny sorry for your pain sometimes I have felt H to be totally gone too then he comes back-- cycling My H too disagrees with my parenting values now he just wants to give kids everything and play video, give candy buy stuff when he is here i finally set boundries..did it with a nice tone..no pushing just my thoughts he still doesnt totally do it my way but it is better I keep DB no matter what if H is angry I listen for a minute then leave if he hangs up or walks out I let him go sometimes I leave VM calmly staing my point and let it go if he supports me I thank him if he doesnt I let it go and take care of kids the way I see fit I am lucky as H doesnt want to take them to his place whereever that is so I have full custody and he visits hang in there keep DB for this year, i rarely said much to H about his parenting and giving them toys and candy i let all that go it was only recently I started to try to enforce stricter rules as i saw video affecting kids I told Him this is not about US- the kids are being affected- he disagreed and hung no big deal that is his right to be a jerk but he heard me anyway i dont expect h to be there right now peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Jenny, I am proud of you for staying strong. I am sorry that your H continues to be a selfish a--. I would say at this point you do need to move forward on the issue of when the children are with whom. As long as H pushes it (when he isn't trying to run out the door) you will have to fight for your children's best interest. Keep DBing as best as you can.
SO2...I'm glad my post helped. Try not to think negatively about all those feelings. I know it's hard, but if you beat yourself up about it then it's just one more thing on your mind.
Peace...You've been a real inspiration to me when it comes to letting go. I know it's been a rough year for you and it took a while for you to get there, but it's been really helpful for me to read about your sitch and how well you're handling things now. Here's hoping it has the impact we're all hoping for!
Lizzy...I'm still having trouble getting my nerve up to stand my ground with regards to the kids. My appmt with my lawyer helped a bit on this.
More on that later...baby is crying!! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Good morning Jenny, Hope things are good for you today. It's interesting that I can come here and read your sitch and some of the responses you get from others help me tremendously, too. The one from peace helped because I am now starting to get pretty scared about the distancing and how I feel H is letting go. It was nice to read how it's most likely just cycling.
I hope that today is a good day for you filled with wonderful surprises. Wow, your sons almost 3 months old. How time flies.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
Tomorrow H's Grandma and Aunts, Uncles & cousins are coming to his Mom's house for them to celebrate Christmas as they didn't see them over the holidays. I am not invited. H is coming to take D and S. This will be the first time S will be leaving the house with him and I am devastated. Not only am I not invited, but I get to sit at home by myself while he takes my baby. I am so sad. I know he'll be ok, but I just don't want to let him go. I don't feel like I have a choice. Tonight I have to give him formula because I need to pump so he has a bottle to take with him. I feel like I'm being pushed a bit to do this, but at the same time I think I need to do it. I just wish it wasn't for a family event that I am so obviously not a part of anymore. I went through this a few weeks ago at Christmas but at least I had S with me. This is going to show the lines that are drawn and that I am truly alone. Just not a part of that family any more. Yeah, I'll be able to get together with people to keep myself busy, but it won't be the same. The thing is...H doesn't have an ounce of empathy for me. Not a bit. He can't see how this is making me feel. He's only concerned about this own selfish motives.
The thing is...the family they are going to be with is his Dad's family. And is Dad is estranged from ALL of them. His Dad did this to his mom just 7 yrs ago...the D was just final 1 1/2 yrs ago. It is the event that I believe sent H into crisis in the first place. So he's going to have to face all of them knowing that are comparing him to his Dad. But he's so oblivious to himself right now that probably won't be uncomfortable at all. In fact he'll probably act as if he knows S like he's been here every day of his life. It's making me cringe!
All I keep thinking is how wrong this all is. How can this really be happening?? How can it be so obvious to everyone but him? How can he be doing this to his kids?? I just don't get it.
I feel so much hurt and as hard as I try to concentrate on the good in my life...I can't help but ask why it's being inflicted on me?? Why??
Ok ....enough of the poor me crap. I just had to let it out. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
The thing is...H doesn't have an ounce of empathy for me. Not a bit. He can't see how this is making me feel. He's only concerned about this own selfish motives.
I'm curious - How is he around your kids? You mentioned he has had D a couple of nights, but not S yet. Does he seem like he is spending time with them out of obligation, rather than because he really desires it? Maybe his parents are kicking him in the ass to be a more responsible father (which, I realize isn't perfect, but it's better than nothing, I guess).
Actually Brit...his time with the kids is not obligitory at all.
He's always been a great father. See because his own father abandonded his kids (albeit they were adults), H MUST differentiate himself from his own Dad by saying he will NEVER abandon his kids. He even said to me once, "I was never mad at my Dad for what he did to my Mom (ie, have an A and secretly live another life with OW after 25 yrs of marriage), I was only mad at him for what he did to us kids". As long as he takes care of his kids he's better than his Dad. (which by the way is the trigger for this whole crisis of his...his Dad leaving the last time was like his death for H...only a death with no body...no mourning...no closure). Anyway, clearly he doesn't see me as his 'family' right now and doesn't see how he has wronged me. He also doesn't see how treating the mother of his kids this way is unfair to them as well. He doesn't see how leaving his wife at 8 months pregnant with a 2 1/2 year old is NOT being a responsible father.
When he's around them is quite involved with them...in every aspect. With S he is actually frustrated that he can't do more. He is pushing me so hard on custody right now and feels he's entitled to no less than 60/40...he wants 50/50 but thinks he's being a nice guy by not going for it. I'm glad that he's not abandoning his kids, I just hate how he separates me from them. It is better than nothing, and for my kids sake I am glad that he is there for them. I do however believe that while his intentions are genuine (he loves his kids and would do anything for them), I also believe he's being a bit of a martyr and is appeasing his own guilt. As long as he does this, he's not entirely a bad guy. You even said it yourself...
Quote:
(which, I realize isn't perfect, but it's better than nothing, I guess).
You're right...but as his wife, I think I deserve a little effort too. Thanks Brit. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
