my W was trying to convince me that sex once a month was normal and I was some kind of pervert for wanting more. It was my problem and not hers. I can so relate to your story as well as Sooner's. 1-2 times a day would be like paradise. Lateley is been 1-2 times a week which is like being let out of prison or something. Hi Fred Just because lots of people have screwed up sex lives and are only doing the monthly maintenance doesn't mean it's healthy or that's the way it should be. Why must our pleading and begging fall on deaf ears? Life could be so good...
Friday night my wife fell asleep on the couch in her clothes before the girls even went upstairs to bed. I took them upstairs, read them stories, and got them to sleep. When I came downstairs I was tempted to wake my wife up to see if she wanted to go get in bed, but I decided it would be nicer of me to let her sleep. I covered her with a blanket without waking her and went to bed early - before 10:30 (another exciting Friday night!). At some point during the night she came into the bedroom and got into bed, still in her jeans, without waking me. Before we awoke the next morning the girls had come downstairs and gotten into bed with us. She did thank me for covering her with the blanket later that morning.
Saturday we bought her a new vehicle - a very nice one. If all goes well we'll take delivery tomorrow - it has to be picked up from another dealership out of town. Both of us work and make nearly the same amount of money, so I can't say that I bought it for her - but I was the one to spend 2 or 3 hours up at the dealership by myself making the deal. Granted, she deserves it - she's been driving what used to be my old vehicle for over 5 years and hasn't complained. When I got back we went to dinner (with the girls), then after we got home she took them up to bed. As usual she fell asleep upstairs and didn't wake me when she came back downstairs in the middle of the night. Nothing happened this morning either.
Tonight I took the girls upstairs and had them to sleep by 9:30, but when I got back downstairs my wife was already asleep - so here I am. I'm not in a terribly miserable mood at the moment, but the lack of any real progress is starting to get to me a bit. I assume she's thinking "we're going to spend the weekend together in California and he's expecting something to happen while we're there, so considering that we just had sex Thursday morning I'm off the hook for a while". Of course, it's very possible that nothing may happen this weekend, but I'm trying to be very optimistic and keep from blowing up before then, which would pretty much ruin any possibility of anything happening. It's hard though - especially when much more than just sex I want my wife to crave me again like she used to - and like I still crave her. Don't get me wrong - I do want sex badly and would basically take any that I could get right now - but unpassionate sex, even if frequent, is not going to make me happy. When I've told my wife how much I miss kissing, and she still can't bring herself to kiss me even once (except for a goodbye "peck"), then I'm sure she doesn't crave me. And having sex without any kissing just convinces me more - it's like she can force herself to have unpassionate sex with me every couple of months, but kissing is just too intimate. I continue to feel completely undesirable and unwanted.
More than just getting sex every once in a while (sometimes a damn long while!) or even more frequently I want my wife to feel passion for me again, to desire me, to hunger for our bodies and spirits to meld together in ardorous love, to connect. Like you I’m so hungry I’ll take whatever I can get (the reason why we can’t hold out until they initiate and then turn them down) but it is emotionally disappointing if she is not really connected, that is, deeply enjoying it (no pun intended) and considerably more pleasant afterwards. I’m almost afraid to have sex with her if it is not incredible for her because I know it is going to be a long time until we can try again. The space in between is the most uncomfortable.
I completely agree with you that the sex has to be passionate AND reasonably frequent, one extreme without the other is only halfway there.
Please read my last paragraph above starting with "I assume she's thinking..." and let me know if I'm on target relative to what might be going on in my wife's mind. I was sitting here at work and was just suddenly overcome with curiousity.
One other question, really for females in general. I'm a nice looking guy, smart, funny, successful, a good dad, and generally quite pleasant to be around. Yet I don't think my wife finds me even the slightest bit sexy anymore - at least if she does she manages to hide it quite well. I feel like you women have it easy because it's usually quite appealing when you try to be sexy. But men can't really get away with that - I mean it's not like we can walk into the room in a thong without just looking like dorks (I do realize that there may be exceptions). Anyway, I think you probably get my point. What can a guy do that might really drive a woman wild? I honesly have no idea. Before my wife and I started dating, I overheard her talking about how the cologne that this guy was wearing just drove her wild. He was at least 60 years old and it wasn't as if she was even the slightest bit attracted to him - it was just that particular smell. I went out that night and bought the same cologne, which may very well be what got my wife interested in me - who knows? But I continue to wear that cologne to this day and I guess my wife must have become "immune" to it. I'm interested in any opinions - is there a cologne, something I could wear, a certain way of acting, a certain way I could touch her - anything that might suddenly make her see me as sexy again? I realize every woman is different, but I'm curious what anyone has to say.
Many times I've thought to myself the next time she initiates anything I'm going to say "I'm really tired - please just let me sleep" or "please don't touch me, that tickles" or "the girls have been crawling all over me all evening, do you think I want you to do the same" or "I'd rather not - I just don't feel very close to you right now" or "please just leave me alone" - just so she'd know how it feels. But like you said, when you're starving you take anything you can get. I honestly think I could be miserably ill and I still wouldn't turn her down. That just makes me feel even more like a fool!
By the way, nice writing! (to hunger for our bodies and spirits to meld together in ardorous love, etc.). You should do romance novels.
I've been wondering the same things about what is it really that turns women on about guys. If I knew I'd be a love guru. What is becoming apparent to me is that the problem is not that I am not attractive or a nice guy or muscular enough. For a long time I thought maybe I wasn't good looking enough or sweet enough. I am realizing that this is not really about me. Some quite attractive women seem charmed by me and a couple have told me frankly that my sensitivity, kindness and appearance (average by my opinion) made me very attractive and they were as bewildered as I was about my wife not thinking I was an incredible stud. I'm thinking that maybe some chemistries just don't mix right, in other words maybe our phermones are working in one direction; our wives are attracting us but we're not attracting them. How else do you explain the overwhelmingly irrational attraction to someone that rejects you constantly?
Just some thoughts, I could be wrong...
AchingMan
I also wanted to mention a phermone that I've just began using in cologne (maybe what that old guy your wife was lusting after was wearing) check out www.athenainstatute.com
So far I haven't been able to measure any results from my wife, but strangely it seems that other women in general are just a bit nicer to me. This stuff was recommended by a friend's wife's gynocologist. Worth checking out. I'd like to compare notes with another guy that is using it.
The other fear about saying something like "Oh, no thank you, dear, I'm just not in the mood to devour you tonight..." is that she would not believe it and either think that you are finally cheating on her or that you're being a cold-hearted jerk that is taking revenge. In either case, at least for me, it would lead to problems. I'd love to be able to be the one in control for a change instead of the dog begging for a bone.
Thanks for the input. I've always wondered about those pheromones - might be worth a try! Like you, I've had women on several occasions act like I was plenty desirable - if nothing else the attention helps to make me feel as if I'm not a complete loser. But I could do without any attention from other women if I could just get some attention from the woman that I'm in love with.
I agree that if I were to turn down one of my wife's "annual" advances, I'd either come across as a jerk trying to get some revenge (which I probably would be I suppose) or as being uninterested due to having an affair. Doesn't really matter - I don't think I could possibly turn her down anyway - and if I did it would probably only be if I were having an affair after having completely giving up on her. Hope it never comes to that - I don't plan on it anyway.
If you turned down sex then you'd be playing your W's game. Why pretend you don't want it and add to your misery? If you turned down her advance she'd probably just be relieved and roll over and go to sleep and you'd accomplish nothing. These are the conclusions I came up with when thinking your exact thoughts, cause I've certainly had them. I've gone 3 months before without ititiating and my W didn't even notice.
A few months ago I took the day off on Valentines day, got all dressed up, picked my wife up from work (she had to work a half day) and then took her to the fancy mall in town. She didn't tell me I looked nice or anything but I noticed other women checking me out. It made me realize that my W low desire wasn't from me being unattractive (at least not to every woman!) and that somehow made me feel better.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
How well do you know your wife? Do you know what she thought about when she was a little girl? What her favorite thing to do was when she was 10? What is her biggest dream and right now does she still have hopes of achieving it? What holds her back and what moves her toward it? What does she feel is the best part of her being? What would she most like to change about herself?
What was the most traumatic moment of her life? What was the best? What makes her heart sing? What makes it break? If she could have any talent or skill she wanted, what would it be? What is she most afraid of? When does she feel fearless? What does she yearn for? What is she most proud of?
Has she ever experienced utter shame and does she feel safe enough telling you about it? What kind of man does she hope her daughters will fall in love with? Does she think about growing old? How does she see herself during those years? Does she look on her life so far with a sense of pride or regret? Why? Does she look toward the future with hope or despair? Why?
Does she wonder if anyone cares as much about her as she does about all the people she takes care of? Does she have secrets she’s never told a soul? Is there a part of her she’s aching to tell you about?
The questions are infinite when it comes to getting to know another person intimately. This weekend when you’re away together alone, think about really getting to know your wife and sharing your soul with her. It’s sexy as hell.
