She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks H!

You know I had a boss a few years ago that found it amazing how quickly I was responding to client questions during a conference call. He told me that I needed to slow down, think about what I was saying and then respond. He told me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a 'contemplative pause'.

I need to work this into my dealings with my wife and go back to the "is what I'm about to say going to make things better or make things worse."

Also detaching will keep me from saying a lot of the things I say anyway. If I was detached well enough, the question about the couch probably never would have come up.

Thanks once again!

[Michael Mc C]

I sent my wife an email this afternoon - nothing R related, just a funny mail about a picture I of her over the weekend. It was a VERY nice picture...

She stopped in my office after she came back from picking up the kids and I mentioned that she had mail. She did not look please (I have a reputation for sending R related emails, something that has stopped).

An hour later, when she was doing laundry (yes, she's doing laundry again!!) she stopped back in my office and I asked if she read the mail. She said "no", looking a bit put out. I simply said "It's funny, nothing like you're probably thinking."

She hesitated and said "I'm sorry about last night. It ended up being really tough on me. I have some really good days but the bad days still come from time to time."

My guess is that once again, as I have posted before - similar to the pumpkin picking episode - that she had a really good time with me and the kids and then afterwards had conflicting feelings. It always seems to happen in the car on the way home from an outing.

I told her "That's alright. I'm sorry for not thinking before making my extra comment last night about the couch. It wasn't necessary."

She nodded in agreement to that and accepted my apology.

We have again had a great evening tonight. I made a fantastic dinner (angel hair pasta with garlic shrimp and LOTS of butter), all 5 of us have been dancing around to 'Ethel' (XM alternative rock station) and my wife and I have spent the last 3 hours just bs'ing off and on.

I am, of course really pleased that after last night the day has turned out as well as it has.

I guess that's just it. One day at a time.

[Michael Mc C]

Things have been quiet these past couple of days. I have been detaching a bit more. I copied log files from her computer yesterday and then just had no desire to even look at them. Since before Thanksgiving I have been trying to keep myself from snooping (I know what it does to ME). This time, however, I didn't have to try at all. I just realized that I didn't WANT to look. I wasn't afraid of what I would find, I simply didn't care.

Do I care if she has rekindled with OM or if she's talking to 'friends' about dating? Yeah, I do. But I know that there's nothing I can do. What is the info going to do for me? Prepare me for the worst? Nope. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst as it is. She's told me countless times that she doesn't belong here, she doesn't love me, she doesn't WANT to love me and that a D is the only way this is going to end. If I can't prepare myself for the worst based on this, then I've got issues...

LOL

I know that her mood swing on Sunday night was because she expected to run into OM online. She wants to avoid him at all costs. Not because she's afraid of rekindling anything but because she doesn't want him to tell her that he is working on his marriage AGAIN.

"We" are currently stuck, sitting in limbo, moving in absolutely no direction. My wife is stuck, waiting for school to begin, waiting for more distraction to keep her from thinking about OM and possibly looking to jump-start her life through school and going out with girlfriends.

I am no longer stuck. I haven't had a lot of opportunity to get my own life restarted but I am doing what I can without impacting the kids too much. My W, unfortunately, disappears within the house and the kids are left without a mother. Last night she didn't even come up to say good night to them until D13 asked her (an hour after they went to bed) to come tuck them in. Even so, 15 minutes later I asked her to come up to say good night to them and finally she did. Very very sad.

So, what I've done:

• Joined the gym (still going too!!)
• Joined Habitat for Humanity (waiting for a call...)
• Started going out on my own with friends/family
• Reconnecting with old friends (still more to contact)
• Begun buying "hip" clothing (something I did when we were dating and then I looked like Crocker from Miami Vice!!)
• Bought a new cell phone - much nicer than my old one - this is something the 'old me' would never have done
• And one of my biggest triumphs, I haven't allowed her to suck me into her maelstrom of emotions

I know I have a lot more detaching to do but right now things are on a fairly even keel.

This Friday I'm going out with my BIL and W's nephew (23-ish) to the gym so BIL can show me the 'proper' way to use free weights. Afterwards we're going for wings or sushi (or as some folks on the board call it, 'bait').

[drz]

Michael,

Great to hear that:

- you didn't WANT to snoop any further. That's a huge step forward. My W has mentioned to me where she's going tonight with her girlfriends, and a little part of me still wants to go check. Thankfully I too am starting not to care, and will not go, unlike a few days ago.

- you have started GALling. Most of your activities seem physical, and maybe something requiring more mental input would be good too. Theoden usually has a good list that includes painting, meditation etc. This allows you to use both mind and body, and means there's less of you to think about your M. Maybe a bit of spirituality, would allow you to target the full "GAL Trinity" of mind, body and soul!

- you can rise above your W's emotional roller-coaster. Stay off that ride, and let her continue on her journey on her own.

These are huge strides in such a short period of time, and you will definitely be a winner at this pace.

Regards,
drz

[ntl]

Things have been quiet these past couple of days. I have been detaching a bit more. I copied log files from her computer yesterday and then just had no desire to even look at them. Since before Thanksgiving I have been trying to keep myself from snooping (I know what it does to ME). This time, however, I didn't have to try at all. I just realized that I didn't WANT to look. I wasn't afraid of what I would find, I simply didn't care.

That's awesome! And isn't it so freeing, too? It's like you can finally get this nasty demon off your back. The one that's always urging you to look and to discover. And for what? More pain for you.

Do I care if she has rekindled with OM or if she's talking to 'friends' about dating? Yeah, I do. But I know that there's nothing I can do. What is the info going to do for me? Prepare me for the worst? Nope. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst as it is.

Good for you. This is so great to hear. I know how I feel when I think about H rekindling his affair or having another one. It sucks. But I am at the point now of saying that there is nothing I can do to change his decisions. I can only be the best me I can be. That's it.

So, what I've done:

• Joined the gym (still going too!!)
• Joined Habitat for Humanity (waiting for a call...)
• Started going out on my own with friends/family
• Reconnecting with old friends (still more to contact)
• Begun buying "hip" clothing (something I did when we were dating and then I looked like Crocker from Miami Vice!!)
• Bought a new cell phone - much nicer than my old one - this is something the 'old me' would never have done
• And one of my biggest triumphs, I haven't allowed her to suck me into her maelstrom of emotions

I know I have a lot more detaching to do but right now things are on a fairly even keel.

This Friday I'm going out with my BIL and W's nephew (23-ish) to the gym so BIL can show me the 'proper' way to use free weights. Afterwards we're going for wings or sushi (or as some folks on the board call it, 'bait').

You've got quite a list going there. When I first (back in the summer) starting GALing, it was great for me. I felt so free and so much like I was finally actualizing ME. I was finally being the person I always knew I wanted to be and could be. I totally fell off the wagon once I learned of H's affair. But I am slowly and surely working my way back on. With him or without him, it's the right thing.

I'm thrilled to hear of your progress.

Regards,

ntl

[Michael Mc C]

Thank you all!!

Tonight's update was SUPPOSED to be about what I did tonight that was fun. Instead, we've had a late breaking development here that I will focus on.

The fun stuff was simply cleaning the car and skipping the gym to buy more clothes. Okay, pretty tame but it was all good for me.

Now the real story. I don't know if I've posted this before but an online friend of my W's recommended months ago that I begin playing the game anonymously so that I could interact with her and if ever we "turn the corner" on this thing, she would be pleasantly surprised. I decided to go for it - what could it hurt, in the end, it's something we can share.

Okay, so it's not my idea of real quality time but it has been fun - it's also really odd to get along so well with my wife online when we can't get along nearly as well in real life (of course she has no idea it's me).

Lately I've been concerned that, because we haven't turned that corner, if she found out, she'd kill me. She'd think I was keeping tabs on her. That is not the case but I got tabs on her tonight that I was NOT expecting.

It seems she has received at least 2 pictures on her cell phone from other players. 1 of them I know from the game and his was explicit. The other 1 I have no idea who he is and I don't know the nature of the picture - but I could guess.

This is something I simply cannot tolerate. W knows that I will not tolerate this. So I discussed it with her tonight.

I was calm and simply told her that this will not continue while she lives here. Apparently she sent pictures too (they were not received) but she denies the attempt. I don't care at this point. This will NOT happen again in my house.

We got into a bit of a marriage talk and I ended it. I told her I didn't come downstairs to discuss our marriage or the affair. I simply wanted to tell her that this cannot happen again.

I called the guy who sent the explicit picture and told him, kindly, that he is not to send another. He said he completely understands and that he won't. Who knows if he will but if it happens and I find out about it, she is going to leave.

This may be harsh but I've explained to her that there are things I will and will NOT tolerate. This is one of them.

I feel good. Not because she started crying about this, not because she said she is torn up inside about OM and certainly not because I think I "won" anything. I feel good because I stood up for what I believe in.

I'm not angry but I am terribly disappointed. Add this to the pile of crap we'd have to work through in order to fix this thing. Oh well, life is an adventure, right?

Have a great night everyone.

[LL44]

Sorry about the reason for the 'talk', but you made it a productive one, and stayed calm. W listened and I would imagine respect your wishes. Did you tell W tonight you have been playing with her online (anonymously)?

[Ohio_Mark]

You stood up for yourself. Nothing wrong with that...

[Michael Mc C]

After posting last night, W and I have a VERY long and VERY emotional conversation. I think we were overdue, there were a lot of feelings that needed to be sorted out. As expected she is still mourning the loss of the relationship with OM. She wants to hate him. She doesn't want to hear his name ever again. She doesn't want him walking the earth.

I am fully aware that this is still a very strong emotional attachment, just on the opposite side of the spectrum. In order for anything to happen HERE, however, she will need to get to a point of indifference (an emotional level of 0 instead of 100 or -100).

She ended up sleeping in my bed last night. Probably out of sheer exhaustion - it was a long discussion. We are both pretty well drained this morning. In fact she laughingly told me over coffee this morning that she was suffering from an emotional hangover. So true.

I am being supportive and validating her feelings because I really do understand what she is going through (not sure she understands what I'm going through). I am not, however, going to be easily pulled back onto this ride. She has a lot to work through and I don't want to partner up with her on this - not healthy for me and it wouldn't help her grow if I did.

This is my opinion anyway. Any thoughts?

Free weights and sushi tonight! Can't wait.

[NoCodeBlues]

That's it, Mike, hold 'er steady. It sounds like your mind and heart are right where they need to be.

I think staying the course is a wise thing to do while she works through this -- and there is still a LOT for her to work through even at this point.