State of Mind

[ntl]

I think forgiveness and letting go is so hard b/c it makes us feel vulnerable - if we let go, we allow ourselves to be open to being hurt again. By holding on to our hurts, we try to use them as a shield to protect us from further hurt. I have a brother who lives his life this way. He is an angry man and I fear he will never change. And now, I fear that I myself am falling into this pattern. To forgive and to let go takes bravery, something I have difficulty finding in myself.

AAAACK! That so sounds like me. I feel like I need to hold on to the anger and hurt so I can remind myself not to be be vulnerable. The second I let my guard down, I am open to all the pain that another affair would bring.

And then I try to think, "what's the worst that can happen if he is still cheating on me?" I suppose if that were to happen, and I fear that right now, I would have to walk away and close the book on my M and admit that I had failed. Perhaps that is my greatest fear, that that which I wanted most in life is something I was unable to achieve..

Again...so agree. I am afraid, too, that if he cheated again, that I would just keep taking him back and that I would never move on. I am afraid that the reason I am staying now is because I am unable to be alone. I've been around and around about this in my head. I think I'm not dependent on him and I think I could do it alone...but the idea of life without him is unthinkable. But the idea of him continuing to devalue and disrepect me is also unthinkable.

I suppose I need to do more GAL-ing. You inspire me to get to that place where it doesn't really matter, where you know why you are doing what you are doing and you have made peace with what has happened. You sound very strong and very brave to me.

Same here. It seems the only time I felt at all peaceful was when I was GALing in earnest. When I was really, truly committed to taking care of me. And strangely, when I began GAL, he began looking at me in a whole new light. As if I was the girl he'd always loved and wanted. But I know now that it can't be faked. I truly have to be GALing and be doing it for real. I've tried pretending it...and it just doesn't work.

Regards,

ntl