Real growing and healing

[AmyC]

Wow. There sure is lots of love up here in the ol' 'hood for Frank_D....

[frank_D]

Only you can save yourself, only you can control yourself. It is hubris to think otherwise. If I can save other people why can’t they save me? BS. You help others, and in many cases that help might be VERY timely.

This is a common theme today. I was mistaken to think I could 'relax' and kind of let someone else steer for a while - someone who wasn't a leader. What I should have done was just taken a break, learned to feel safe again and worked on the rest of my issues. Yes, I did DB and I did work on many of my issues but not all, and not to completion.

That was my mistake.

You are one of the heroes on this board, that is without a doubt a fact. To many people you are wise, helpful and insightful. When I see that you have posted to someone in trouble, I know that they are taken care of, I tend not to even check on them.
Because of that it is harder to reach out for help, like we are letting people down, when our life is going to hell in a hand basket with an ablative bottom, how can we help others without sounding like hypocrites? Experience.

Yeah, that has been a big problem for me. asking for help when you're a 'hero' is forbidden in my book. Time to change I guess.

I have no idea wassup with piecing, I am all about the detaching.

I am all about saving your self.
...
What is going on with you? What is going on with you, that you have left your self go by the waste side?

What is going on with Frank, that he is searching for some strength, but at least I know you will never lose your honor.

Not many can say that.
...
I know that you man up when needed.

It may be needed, but for you this time.

if we have learned anything at all here, is that we can't control anyone except our selves.

Yes, I know this all too well.

But I have faith in you. You have been here long enough, to know that this too shall pass.

It is not like the first time she left, when you were clueless, and maybe had to much to drink.

You have knowledge, and knowledge is power.

I guess 'faith' is needed more than anything. Once upon a time I used to believe that I could do anything. I lost that somewhere.

You sound such a giving, articulate, guy who gets a real big 'kick'/ 'buzz'/'drive' from helping others which is great but you have gone and run out of juice. You ran out of juice and then kept running on empty. You need to see to you and THEN your W might be able to relax and stop checking out her options IF when you have saved yourself YOU still want to be with her. If you choose to live your life with a partner that needs to be 'protected' then you have got to be strong enough to give that protection, which means you have got to be strong; not pretend to be but actually be that strong person.

Frank, what do you want?

I want to be happy again instead of barely surviving life.

I didn't 'fake' the changes, at the time they were real. But there were a lot of things going on that wore me out at the time, and during 'piecing' I still needed to put a lot into the relationship even though I was worn out. Still, I haven't 'manned up' all the way like I should.

I really see that it's about me now. Here I am, one of the most powerful people I know, someone my wife has said time and again can do amazing things when I choose to, and I have been in this place of weakness for what seems like forever.

It's hard, because I really would like her support but I can see I'm not going to get it and she may even make a plan to leave. I guess that's what is the hardest - knowing how much I've been through and thinking about it all falling apart again.

Other men are calling me and beating me up on the phone to pick myself up and the one ray of hope that I can actually 'believe' about my W is what Amy said: "I get the impression your wife COULD go either way, but her HEART is with her family." because I know that's mostly true.

thanks

[brandnewday]

Frank,

I am sorry to hear that this is going on in your life right now.

((((((((hugs)))))))

I have read all of the posts to you and there really isn't much more that I can add.

I do believe you have to make yourself happy and you need to be the one to set the pace with your relationship with your wife.

There seems to be some type of a balance missing here, and I am not quite sure of what it is.

Maybe it has something to do with you switching roles, from her as the needy one to you being the needy one. You are never on equal footing.

The only one you can really save is yourself, but you already know this.

Your wife can not make you happy, she can only add happiness to yur life.

This was a huge lesson for me when my Husband finally came home.

How many promises did you make to her about how different things would be if she stayed in the Marriage?

How many of those things did you actually fulfill?

[frank_D]

W came home from her overnight trip about an hour ago. When I left my office and met her in the kitchen she walked over to me and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

She's pleasant but still in that 'tone of voice' like she's talking to someone she has no feelings for. You know, the detached voice.

I Told her I had a doctors appointment friday because I got some money from a client today, so I can get something for my anxiety. She said she was glad because 'I deserved to be happy' and should take care of my health.

I'm staying away from her so as not to appear needy. Trying to stand tall and look her in the eye. She doesn't exactly avoid eye contact but she doesn't make it as often either.

The mixed messages suck because in the past I have seen her be all nice, then have 'the talk' with me later about 'moving on' or other stuff like that.

I guess we'll see. I think the best I can do is do my best to maintain a positive attitude toward MY future and just give her a wide berth for now. I know being needy isn't going to work, and neither is being 'nice' by saying or doing what she wants.

Taking care of me is hard while she's doing this also.

[AmyC]

Dammit, Frank!

I Told her I had a doctors appointment friday because I got some money from a client today, so I can get something for my anxiety. She said she was glad because 'I deserved to be happy' and should take care of my health.

Nice.
If you're looking for her to stay out of sympathy.

I realize that you are needy right now but you NEED to find a way to suck it up til you get something for your anxiety. You did not need to tell her that you made an appointment. A man in control would have just WENT, got meds and pressed on. You could have faked the "control" part.

Don't do that sh*t again.

Can you tell there's no more coddling here?

Well, there ain't.

Stand up, Frank.

[theoden]

Frank,

O Captain, my Captain. You have been the rock, the strength for many of us here.

Other men are calling me and beating me up on the phone to pick myself up and the one ray of hope that I can actually 'believe' about my W is what Amy said: "I get the impression your wife COULD go either way, but her HEART is with her family." because I know that's mostly true.

Ok...I was one of those guys who called you. But I am offering to help. Ask. Want a few wake up calls? Ask. Want an accountability partner? Ask. Want someone's shoulder to cry on? Ask. Want someone to to micro-manage your next week so you can see your way through to sanity? Ask. Want help with your resume? Ask. Want some references? Ask. Want me to network on your behalf? Ask. Need someone to fly to California and give you a hug. Ask. Need someone to call you and make fun of your wife's air-headed self-actualization speeches? Ask.

No man is an island, Frank.

You have us. You have me.

So the ONE ray of hope you have is your wife COULD go either way?

Listen to yourself. You are doing what you told me not to do: need my wife to be happy.

What I hear is that your OUTRAGED that your wife can't/won't save you after you saved her.

OK. So maybe she can't save you right now. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she'll never want to. Maybe she will. Maybe you'll want her around, maybe you won't. You can't really work on this right now. You'll make that determination after you get through this crisis. Dwelling on it now is useless.

What I hear is you are AFRAID she'll leave.

I don't even need to go there with you. You have told me countless times: fear of losing her crushes you and gives away all your power to her.

What I hear is PARALYSIS because you don't think you can save yourself while she bombards you with her airy-fairy surreal "I need to find my spiritual companion" speeches.

Yeah. I hear you. That sucks. It doesn't help you to focus on you. But you can't stop her from walking around like a new-age, narcissist right now. Find some way to block this out. The more it bothers you, the more it hampers you from healing. The more it bothers you, the more you feed it and give it power.

I'm preaching to the choir. You are too angrily focused on what your wife is not doing for you; likewise you are too fearfully preoccupied with what she might do in the future.

I don't think her flight of fancy is as dark as you think it might be. So what if it is? ALL YOU CAN DO NOW IS FOCUS ON YOU.

ALL YOU CAN DO IS FOCUS ON YOU.

Now that we are clear on that...please write to us on how we can help you, dear friend.

Help us help you.

Ask.

--Theoden

[spitfire23]

Frank,

Listen to Amy and Theoden. They are making perfect sense. DO NOT SHARE WITH YOUR W WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF THIS!!!!! Just take care of you. We will be your cheering section. We will be your support. We are here for you.

Now, how's that plan going that we discussed? Do you have it in front of you? Do one gosh-darned thing to move it forward today.

I'll check in with you later.

Spitfire

PS: The "ASK" suggestion is great. You have made a lot of friends here with a lot of different resources. There are specific ways we can help you. Let us.

[Jeanette1120]

Hi Frank!

I hope your doing better today. No, I have never followed your sitch, but I have read through all of this thread and what jumps out at me is this

The difference is Jeff has Amy.

You mention that alot. But you cannot compare your wife to anyone on this board. Why? Because we have this board to grow, to learn, to feel and share whats going on in our personal lives and our heads.

I also see alot of blame game going on back and forth. You didn't do this for me, well you didn't do that, well she's a child that never healed.

I have me, and a wife who loves me but can't help me, and is choosing to save herself. I accept that, she's the one I chose because of her kind and gentle soul. That comes with a lot of responsibility and I failed. a man should not need a wife to have to do the things that Jeff and I ask of them but some of us are so damaged at some point that we NEED them to help us. I just chose the one who couldn't and festered inside wondering why.

How many times have we been told to "save ourselves" as we cannot save the spouse? Wouldn't the same imply in this situation? If she feels you are falling apart and your both hurting, it's human nature to save yourself. Your asking ALOT of her. No, I am not saying that she shouldn't back you up 100% but

I NEED to FEEL loved a LOT to help neutralize the hurt and pain and mistrust and everything. I need to feel like I'm the most important person in her life even when I'm being the 'prickly pear'. My wife can't do that, she just can't.

Is this realistic? Is this the price she has to pay? This may come in time, if you let it. If everyone is always on "guard" or wary if they say something that might offend and then the blame game starts all over again.....your just spinning around and around. I think you need to do exactly as Amy suggested. Get your ass out on the river fishing. Go somewhere where you can totally be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Write them down, look at them and see if they are realistic or not.

Your his WIFE for gods sake, you don't need an invitation to love him. Get your a-ss over there with a plan to just be 'love'. NO matter what.

Again Frank, is this realistic??? If it was this simple there wouldn't be so many of us on here who are hurting beyond our wildest imaginations. Sometimes YOU DO need an invitation, or else your just and univited guest. And we all know how we feel about party crashers.

There's nothing more I can do except take care of myself, something that is long overdue.

What are you waiting for? Again Frank, how many times have we heard we must first help ourselves before we can help others!! Even on the crashing airplane your supposed to put your oxygen mask on before you put your childs on. C'mon Frank. Your falling into a severe funk here.

It does seem that you and Jeff may have had some similarities. But it stops there. All 4 of you are TOTALLY different people. Each with thier very own demons in which they have to face. You cannot keep comparing your life to theirs. Your wife cannot be Amy. She can only be who she is. You can only be who you are. Together you can work through this. But not if your wanting something from her that she cannot or is not ready to give yet.

Hugs Frank.

Jeanette

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Frank,

Go back to the begining.

How long has it been since you read DB? Bet you forgot more than most people know.

[ntl]

Just trying to catch up on this thread and I know I am not one for giving advice. But if there's one small thing that is finally a pinpoint of light in my dark world it's this: You can't TRULY love anyone else until you truly love yourself.

Easy to say, hard to do.

Sounds like many people care deeply for you, Frank. Sounds like you're a good guy who has given so much of himself, there's not much left for you.

I hope you can find some strength from the people who care about you here.

Regards,

ntl