Hello out there. I'm new to this. I found & been reading site for about 1 week and waiting on book to arrive. I need some advise.
Here's some of my story:
My H of almost 20 yrs. admitted to me Thanksgiving day he has been having EA/PA for 2 yrs. and said he wants D. I got the pattened I love you but I'm not IN love with you; says OW may not be the one but knows he doesn't want to be with me anymore; stayed this long because of sons (19 & 15); was going to leave when youngest finished high school (you get the pic).
I've remained calm (I find this totally confusses him). I've only raised my voice at him once this whole time and I did push him (he was VERY drunk) out of my face. It was really bad and sons wanted to do EXTREME physical harm to h. They are both lg. football players and could easily snap him in 2.
They are both deeply hurt by h's actions, lies & deceptions. S19 is very angry and wants H out of our lives forever & S15 is quiet on the issue but would like his Dad to be home with us (I'm concerned for them both).
H has not only neglected me by having the OW but also them as well. H would always be on phone with "work" for the past 2 yrs. when he'd be home with us.
I wish I'd found this site a few weeks ago. I've made some wrong decisions. Told H he was going through MLC; that he needed C (he of course said he was fine and that he'd made his decision yrs ago but I should go to C); I told him that he and OW (w/3 youngs kids) were living in a fantasy world while I & our boys are reality; told h marriages have cycles and we were 5 months away from the return to a couple phase (S15 would get a drives license & car and be less dependant on us); said I'd forgive the A; that couples have survived A's and can come through even stronger; etc.
H has more contact with S15 than S19. I believe he's jealousy of S19 because he's received more attention than H in the past 2 yrs because of an auto accident that almost killed S19. Required months of PT, doc's, and my time (I also work full time) to get him through the emotional issues, limitations & high school, etc.
H told S15 (3 weeks after bomb) that he'd like him to meet OW & that he'd like her because she hunts & fishes (S15 favorite things besides football). Yet, H hasn't meet her kids?!
H is constantly on the phone with OW either talking but mostly texting and S19 had to tell H not to speak/text OW in their presence. Why couldn't H figure that one out?
H works out of town and I used to see him 2 - 3 nights a week. H packed a back on Thanksgiving day and now he's at hotels & his mom and see I him only in passing. H doesn't call me unless it's business or child related. However, when we do speak on the phone it's as if nothing is wrong but when face-to-face it if very tense.
I really want my M to work. I truly love my H and know that I've also done some things in the M but NOTHING like H. I need some advice.
Questions: 1. Have I done too much damage? 2. I'd really love to tell him I miss & love him and that I'd like him to move back home. From what I've read this is a no-no. Any thoughts? 3. Suggestions on what I should do next?
Thanks!
Me 42 H 43 S19 & S15 M20 (in Feb 08) Bomb 11/22/07 OW 2 yrs Left 11/22/07
