H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[ntl]

Hello ntl,

I think Michelle quotes someone as saying "if you don't have an affair with your spouse someone else will".

I do not know the exact details and how much your H has struggled with being faithful, but it is sometimes some simple void or thing that can make the person seek something outside that should or has been part of the M for years.

I think that the sex thing is great as well, who knows maybe he was looking for some of that and instead of communicating with you found someone else.

I think you are so right here. After H and I got married (I was 23 and he was 25) we moved 750 miles away from home and he was immediately immersed in a very stressful, high profile, 75% travel job. I was in a big house, no friends, no job, and felt majorly alone and abandoned. Also, I was holding on to a lot of resentment from the time he cheated on me when we were dating. Add all those things up, and the sex life was nil.

After a while, I was so angry, he was afraid to even approach me. The rare times we did have sex, it was perfunctory and passionless. Also, I gained about 40 lbs. And though he says he still thinks I am beautiful, etc., it really affected the way I felt about myself.

Another marriage guru said that after an affair the marriage will change so one has to learn how to deal with that, it is so true, and we have not reached that point yet, our wedding song was Randy Travis forever and ever amen, and it ends, "if you wonder how long I will be faithful, let me tell you again, I am gonna love you forever and ever amen,

I love this song and think of it often in my head. I have it on my ipod and listen to it when I am feeling especially bad about my broken dreams of a completely healthy, happy marriage. I realize that's not reality, but I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I am trying to truly rebuild myself and to not feel so dependent on him for my happiness.

For example, if he doesn't call or text me for more than a few hours, I start freaking out and feeling like he's seeing someone else, or that he doesn't care. That's hard for me. I feel like my happiness or sadness hinges on whether or not he makes a connection with me. I don't want to feel that way!

Thanks so much for sharing with me. I've been following your story as well and I'm pulling for you!

Regards,

ntl