Yes, I went away for a long weekend with H. Not ignoring you.
I have been thinking more about your situation.
As the LD spouse I am very conscience of when my H wants to have sex. The normal approach is late at night, he'll snuggle up to me. Typically he comes to bed later than me and I am already sleeping. So this is not the best timing for me.
As I thought about this I realized that it doesn't really work for me and asked myself what would work better.
When H wants to have sex I would like it if he would let me know a couple hours earlier so I can get my mindset in that direction. Also sleep is very important to me, so I would also like it if we could start earlier so I can be asleep by 10. I would also like to know if he just wants to snuggle, kiss or if he wants sex.
I guess what I am trying to say is that verbal clarity for me is important. A lot of times I have no idea what H really wants. I used to assume it was always sex. So I would turn off all intimacy. I am learning that sometimes he just wants to snuggle or just wants a kiss. I have asked him to let me know verbally what he wants.
Maybe it would help your W if you said something like "Tonight I would love to snuggle with you, I don't want to have sex, can we just snuggle?" Let her know earlier in the day. Ask permission. This way she is in control and maybe won't feel anxious about what you want when you come to bed.
You could also try asking earlier in the day about sex. "I would love to make love with you tonight, can we have sex tonight?" This way the pressure is off of her in the moment. She can say yes or no. If she says yes. Ask her what she needs. Kids to bed early? Dishes done? romantic dinner first.
If she says no maybe you could ask her when a good time would be. If she doesn't know ask her if you could plan a night away and plan to have sex then. Don't give up.
For a LD person who is not applying the SSM techniques, going to bed with HD spouse can be down right scary. It's a fear of the unknown. "What do they want from me tonight?" is the underlieing question.
As an experiment maybe you could try being clear everyday and every night for a month. Also let her know when you don't want to have sex. "Tonight I just want to go to sleep". She may be surprised.
In the past my H would approach me at bedtime. And I am finding that this is the worst time for me. I am tired and worried that if I stay up late my next day will be dragging. I am finding that I like mornings after coffee, expecially Sundays, after I sleep in have coffee and shower. At that time I feel great, rested and have more to give.
I also think that going to bed with each other every night is important. Although the pressure is off of both of you with different bedtimes, I think it is just an avoidance. I feel abandonded when H stays up later than me.
I think silence is a marriage killer. Try to be clear about what you want and ask for it.
Have you tried this before?
I told you before that there was nothing that H could have done. But I think I was wrong. I think there were and are things that H can do to make sex a better experience for me. And this is one thing that I figured out.
I will let you know if I figure out more stuff.
Also I found a website called marriagebuilders.com. There are some great articles you may be interested in.
