Get Me on a Smoother Ride.....Need Advice, Part 11

[SueS]

Hi Joie-

Thanks for your input. I really do understand. My dad was caught way too many times. At that time, there wasn't much of a penalty. His last time was 8 years ago. That's when he went sober. The penalties have gotten a lot stiffer since then, but it still hurt my parents back then. I know I shouldn't wish that on anyone, even H. I just need him to hit some sort of a bottom. Not just for him, but for D3. He needs to see what's important in his life and he's not seeing it. I don't want her to get pushed away from him so far that she doesn't want him as part of her life. I know she's young now, but she's going to start having memories of these types of things soon.

This is something that I've dealt with since my H and I first got together. There were times, especially after D3 was born, that if H was going out, I would insist that I dropped him off where he was going and picked him up....no matter the time. He DOES NOT listen. He just doesn't. He never has. We (me, his family, some of his friends) have all talked to him about it. He doesn't see it as a problem. He thinks that because he doesn't drink daily, that he doesn't have a problem. His issue is that typically, when he starts, he doesn't stop. That typically applies mostly when he's out at a bar or at some sort of function. He will come home and if he's still awake, he'll look for any alcohol in the house. It doesn't matter what it is, just as long as it's alcohol. This is also a man who, at least at one time, didn't believe that you could become an alcoholic just by drinking beer! I was dumbfounded when he said that. I told him that my father never drank an ounce of wine or hard liquour in his life. It was beer only for him. My dad was a horrible (sloppy, but not angry) alcoholic for years. It really hurt too when my H commented that my dad wouldn't be "as fun" to be around after he quit drinking. I explained that my mom, sister and I had gone through horrible times because of his drinking and that I'd appreciate it if he'd be a little more supportive of my dad's decision. My mom actually commented one of the last times they were here, that they had a great time with H because he wasn't drinking. She told me that to be honest, it was one of the few times they'd ever been around him that he didn't drink.

H promised me when I was pregnant with D3 that he would stop. He said that if I couldn't drink, he wouldn't either. It lasted about a month. The town we lived in when I was pregnant with D3 was notorious for their DUI arrests. I remember one time waking up at about midnight. H had been out. I looked out the window and saw flashing lights. The cops had someone pulled over just at the entrance to our complex. I waited and waited. H walked in the door. I was frantic and told him that I thought they'd pulled him over. He laughed saying, no, they already had someone pulled over....I didn't want to drive by them, so I parked across the street and walked home. He was loaded.

Before we got married, H and I were at his cousin's wedding. One of his other cousin's got into a fight and in the aftermath, his cousin and he were arrested. They were both drunk. His dad told me that night that I needed to decide if that was what I wanted. I was blind in love with him (sometimes still am) and I thought I could see past it. Even then his family knew what he was like with alcohol, but couldn't stop it.

I know you all think I'm probably crazy to want to be with this man. He's got an alcohol problem and is involved in his second affair. It's remembering all the good times (and there were a lot) and remembering the love that keeps me wanting to be here. As my C says, someday the blinds might close for me and I won't want this any more. But for right now, I want to stay and fight. I don't know if I'm doing a very good job, but I'm staying.....for now.

Joie-Thanks again.

-Quiet night last night. H got home from work around 10:00. I had a hard time getting D3 to bed. H helped a little, but then got ready to go "workout". I did pester him a little, because I swore he put cologne on before he left. I mean c'mon, putting cologne on to go to the gym at 11:00 pm. I'm not stupid! I doubt he went to "workout". Well, not the workout you and I would expect. No communication today.

SueS