So H and I have had lots of ups and downs (see my thread in For Newcomers re. Confused Husband). I found out about his Affair in Nov. He said he didn't see how we could work it out. Still lived at home the whole time, but goes to a hotel on days he "Can't handle being with me". Then said point blank, IT'S OVER. That's when I found the DR book and started the 180 and GAL immediately. After 2 weeks of DB'ing, he says he has ended it with the OW, he has told me he wants to see if we can fix things with us, and told our MC he went from "It's over" 2 appts. ago, to "We'll see" at our last appt. All of that sounds great, right? We have had three our four really nice evenings at home with the kids in the past week,and he has been calling me from work more and generally being around us more, too. All good. But immediately after I found out about the A in Nov, he said he wanted to move out for about 6 months to focus on himself--he often says he feels like he is going crazy and doesn't know what to do--and figure out what he wants. He is still planning to move out Jan. 20, has a 6 month lease on an apartment, and I helped him buy furniture for it since our kids will be there part of the time. He only bought the bare minimum in furniture, I asked if he wanted to get pictures for the walls, etc., he said "I don't plan to be there that long, just need the basics". He also had ME lay down on the mattress he got to see if I liked it. I asked why he wanted my opinion, and he said "If things work out it will eventually be OUR new mattress". So I guess he has an open mind about things? Anyway my point is I have avoided any heavy R talk the past couple weeks. But we are telling our S on the 19th (We agreed on this at the MC, he doesn't need a long advance warning since he is 5), then he will go see the apt. on the 21st with me and H,to get an idea of where Daddy will be. Anyway we also agreed at MC to make up a calendar for S with each day labeled M(mom) or D(dad) so he knows what to expect, who he will see each day, etc. H said he figures one day a week he'll come out to our house to see them, one day they'll go to his place for the evening (they'll have to come back bc he goes to work too early to take them to day care)and then alternate weekends. But we also talked about one family night a week (maybe going to church and spending Sundays together) so kids still see us as a family. Anyway that talk was one week ago. We haven't sat down and made out the calendar, which we need to do before we tell S so we have it ready. Also, I would like to address ground rules, questions about separation before it happens, such as: 1)Are we going to see others or not during this time? (Of course I say NO, and since he says he ended the A I assume he does too but I think it should be clarified.)
2)If there is a night other than agreed upon when he wants to come out to the house, should he call first, ask me, etc?(In other words, what are our boundaries)
3)Are we going to have any dates/time alone together during this time? (After all if we are trying to work things out I would assume we should spend time together; but with my DB ideas I would think I should let him approach me for time together??)
4)Do I just wait for him to want to talk about R since he is the undecided one? I am just confused on wanting to fix things/we'll see. If we never talk about anything, how will we see? Or is the separation where he spends time alone deciding if he wants the R, then after he decides that we work on things??
5)Who are we telling that we are separated? (I just filled out new daycare paperwork since I am going back to work in 2 weeks, he said to list his address as our home address on the forms. Last week, he said he didn't plan to give a new address or phone number to his work, either, and didn't plan to tell work friends,and wasn't sure if he wanted to tell his family--but our parents/siblings will HAVE to know, I think.)
So anyway we are having such a nice time together as I 180, just take the good days for good days as much as I can, don't act too excited, etc. I hate to undo all the progress by dragging him in to an R discussion, but I guess it is more of a separation discussion. He hasn't even finished getting the stuff he needs for his place (no toddler bed for our D, no bedding for him or S, etc.), and stuff like that drives me crazy bc I like to be prepared. So, bottom line, how do we talk about how the separation is going to work without screwing up my DB attempts?
