Living together as semi-polite strangers

[Punktmann]

Mishka, it is very hard. I wanted to choke everyone (not here,) who said "this will get easier." But it did. It does. You're at the right place to speed that up too.

I think I'm going to have to ignore him completely and only speak to him when directly spoken to. Treat him like I was when he was out of the house. No contact unless he initiates it.

It sounds like you're going dark out of anger at feeling used. I don't feel adequate to talk much about intimacy from womans standpoint, but if you feel used by intimacy, then don't do it.

Intimacy/anger at feeling used/fear and anxiety/intimacy/anger at feeling used.......

Any reaction from anger will show anger, and this is pressure.

I'm not saying NC is a bad idea, but it should be for the right reason.


I haven't tried going dark with her in the house. For one thing, it would tear my kids up. For another, it is too much like the vicous cycle of anger and rejection before the bomb. Since that didn't work, I'm not doing it again.

What did work for me was to get rid of the anger in MY behavior, and act as-if. Sure, there are some things that I can't act as-if about, I don't sleep in the same bed, (I'd like to,) I don't go out with her, I'm not invited, I don't compliment her on her looks very often anymore, it is pressure.

I do treat her as if I like her, value her opinion, and enjoy her company. I say please thank you and good morning. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. I keep up with my family and household responsibilites, and I don't ask her for anything unless it has to do with the kids. I walk away when she is spoiling for a fight. I walk away if she treats me like crap or snaps at me, and I don't drop my cheerful demeanor. When she acts angry, I will ask politely if something is wrong, ONCE ONLY, and then ignore her behavior and treat her like she isn't angry after that.

It's hard, and I backslide. But it makes me feel good, and it has shown some baby step results in our interactions.



This is a quote from another thread by RCR to a poster at the beginning of his sitch.


And I'm glad Jack brought up the word TRY.
Trying presupposed failure.
Nike: Just do it

Act as if...
And what is that, we've discussed it a few times here. Does it mean fake-it-til-you make it.

Not exactly, but the element is sometimes there
Act as if you are making it
Act as if you are fine
Act as if you are happily married
Act as if she will be coming home--when ready
Act as if you believe

Act as if so that you will be...manifest

This is not about pretending in a simpering denial sort of way. That is different--weak.
Act positive...manifest positive. You've done a lot already, so just keep it up.
You've reversed your changes a few times. Find positive changes and love them. Think in positive terms....so notice that in the above list I stated...you are happily married instead, you are not divorcing. They may logically distill to similar things, but one is neagtive and thus the focus wil be on the negatve. Acting as if is about the positives.
And you are unable to find them...create them.


It is terribly hard to decide if you want them to stay or go, and unlike all of the MLC similarities, this is one of those things that is different about each situation here.

I almost told mine to leave when she filed. Now, I am glad that I didn't. As I have grown through this I have also decided upon a few lines that I will not let her cross again. If she does, I will tell her to leave.



I've never considered myself a weak woman but obviously I am when it comes to him.


You clearly are not weak, thinking that way can only hurt you so drop that. You're hurting and looking for guidance, and there is a big difference.