Living together as semi-polite strangers

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I honestly thought I had begun to but having it thrown in my face again this morning was too much for me.

Ahhhh....heres the funny thing about that.

YOU are the one who went to check up on him. You are the one who who threw that in your face. He did lie, but he didn't put it in your face, you did.

NC might be a good idea for you, can you really do it?

[Punktmann]

Mishka, it is very hard. I wanted to choke everyone (not here,) who said "this will get easier." But it did. It does. You're at the right place to speed that up too.

I think I'm going to have to ignore him completely and only speak to him when directly spoken to. Treat him like I was when he was out of the house. No contact unless he initiates it.

It sounds like you're going dark out of anger at feeling used. I don't feel adequate to talk much about intimacy from womans standpoint, but if you feel used by intimacy, then don't do it.

Intimacy/anger at feeling used/fear and anxiety/intimacy/anger at feeling used.......

Any reaction from anger will show anger, and this is pressure.

I'm not saying NC is a bad idea, but it should be for the right reason.


I haven't tried going dark with her in the house. For one thing, it would tear my kids up. For another, it is too much like the vicous cycle of anger and rejection before the bomb. Since that didn't work, I'm not doing it again.

What did work for me was to get rid of the anger in MY behavior, and act as-if. Sure, there are some things that I can't act as-if about, I don't sleep in the same bed, (I'd like to,) I don't go out with her, I'm not invited, I don't compliment her on her looks very often anymore, it is pressure.

I do treat her as if I like her, value her opinion, and enjoy her company. I say please thank you and good morning. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. I keep up with my family and household responsibilites, and I don't ask her for anything unless it has to do with the kids. I walk away when she is spoiling for a fight. I walk away if she treats me like crap or snaps at me, and I don't drop my cheerful demeanor. When she acts angry, I will ask politely if something is wrong, ONCE ONLY, and then ignore her behavior and treat her like she isn't angry after that.

It's hard, and I backslide. But it makes me feel good, and it has shown some baby step results in our interactions.



This is a quote from another thread by RCR to a poster at the beginning of his sitch.


And I'm glad Jack brought up the word TRY.
Trying presupposed failure.
Nike: Just do it

Act as if...
And what is that, we've discussed it a few times here. Does it mean fake-it-til-you make it.

Not exactly, but the element is sometimes there
Act as if you are making it
Act as if you are fine
Act as if you are happily married
Act as if she will be coming home--when ready
Act as if you believe

Act as if so that you will be...manifest

This is not about pretending in a simpering denial sort of way. That is different--weak.
Act positive...manifest positive. You've done a lot already, so just keep it up.
You've reversed your changes a few times. Find positive changes and love them. Think in positive terms....so notice that in the above list I stated...you are happily married instead, you are not divorcing. They may logically distill to similar things, but one is neagtive and thus the focus wil be on the negatve. Acting as if is about the positives.
And you are unable to find them...create them.


It is terribly hard to decide if you want them to stay or go, and unlike all of the MLC similarities, this is one of those things that is different about each situation here.

I almost told mine to leave when she filed. Now, I am glad that I didn't. As I have grown through this I have also decided upon a few lines that I will not let her cross again. If she does, I will tell her to leave.



I've never considered myself a weak woman but obviously I am when it comes to him.


You clearly are not weak, thinking that way can only hurt you so drop that. You're hurting and looking for guidance, and there is a big difference.

[mishka422]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have to regroup in a big way right now. I will not be mean or unkind to him in any way because that is only going to detrimental to whatever outcome we have. However, I am not going to be made a fool of anymore. He was aware of the conditions of moving back home and he accepted them and turned right around and lied to me. I told him I would not trust him until he earned it and he knew I meant it. I heard the lies in his voice when he told me where he was going and what he was doing. That was the reason I had to see for myself. I had to know that he was lying because I've given him the benefit of the doubt too much in the past.

I have to protect my son. If that means making sure that his lying father is not involved as much anymore then so be it. My H has not been what you would call a great father especially over the last year or so. He only barks, yells and orders him around. He doesn't do fun things with him, he doesn't spend any real time with him. My son hasn't wanted to spend much time with his dad in the last year because of this. It might be better for him in the long run if his dad did leave again. I know it would be better for me.

I talked to a L's assistant while I was at lunch today and made an appt for next Tuesday to discuss my options.

I'm definitely planning on not talking to him unless he speaks first and I have to find a way to get him out of my bedroom. I can't handle him being there but I will not move out of my room because of his actions. Any suggestions on how to gently but firmly suggest that he sleep on the couch or in my son's room (or in a sleeping bag on the floor)?

I don't want to be angry in front of him. I know that is not going help but I do need to be firm in what I need.

[mishka422]

Well, I know you'll all look at me like a quitter and I suppose I am but I know my limits. H was waiting for me when I got home from work tonight. I walked into the bedroom to change clothes and he had all his boxes packed again and was ready to move out again. I didn't cry and weep this time, I told him exactly what I thought of him and his "coming home to work on our marriage" when we only saw each other for a couple of hours maximum these few days he was here and for the last two days he's spent his morning at OW house. I let him have it about exactly who he got to serve me the D papers today (a deputy friend of both of ours!), I told him what he had become is not a person but an emotionless machine and I can't deal with that.

I'm more and more convinced that God brought him home that quickly and just for a short time to give me a push to realize exactly what kind of misery he had been putting me through for so long that I had pushed aside because I was busy with life. It pushed me to make peace with the fact that he wants out of our M. I still can't figure out what I did to bring us to this point but I know for certain what he has done and I am going to remain strong for me and my son and not worry about my H.

I hate this. I'm still fairly convinced that he is in MLC but he is so exceptionally mean right now that he is like poison. I can't have that in our lives.

I know you'll all look at this like I'm giving up too quickly. Yes, the bomb was just dropped early December but this has been coming for a couple of years and I have been struggling one sided with our relationship for that long. I'm tired. He finally pushed it all over the edge. So be it.

I'll lurk around here and keep up with you all. I pray that all of your spouses find their way home out of the fog.

Love and best wishes to you all.

Michelle

[ba065]

Michelle:

I am so sorry! I don't think you are a quitter! I think you are hurting and rightfully so! You have to look out for yourself and your son...there's nothing wrong with that! Continue to GAL for yourself...find happiness for yourself...once you are able to move on, then you'll be able to better assess the sitch and what you really want! If it's a D...then so be it...if not, then you can decide. Take back control of your life...don't let your H have the power!

((((Michelle)))) You are in my thoughts and prayers!

BA

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No not a quitter.
You do for as long as you can, based upon your circumstances.

[tmi]

Michelle, I hope you'll find out that you have more options than you think after you talk to the L.

You didn't quit - your H chose to leave. I wish you had handled it differently, but I do understand that sometimes the pain and anger is very difficult to keep in.

Maybe take a couple of days to be good to yourself and decide whether you wish to continue to DB. If you decide that you're going to, reading other people's posts will give you some ideas of what kinds of things you could be doing, as well as Divorce Remedy, if you haven't read it already.

[mishka422]

I've read Divorce Remedy. That was what led me here. It inspired me so much and gave me so much hope. The more I look at the last few years of our lives together the more I realize how unhappy I have been myself. I had turned into a shell of the woman I once was. I lost all my self-confidence and could not really laugh at anything. I had become cynical and pretty depressed about most things in general. Those are all the things my H is. I had always kept him balanced and I eventually let his personality (or lack thereof) overtake me. No more.

I am pretty sure I don't ever want him back. I don't think I could ever find a way to trust him again after knowing he has been lying to me about so many things (big and small) for so many years. I was blinded by my love for him and that is truly a sickness. I have to find my own way through this and I already feel like a massive weight has been lifted from me. Several people I have known for years have told me today that I seem like my "old" self. The person that disappeared 3 or 4 years ago.

If my H finds his way through all of this some years in the future and realizes what he gave up I know he'll have regrets. I don't know if I will too for giving up too easily but I find it hard to see regretting giving him up when he's been so mean and hurtful for so long already. I think I would regret the total loss of myself more for both me and my son.

Ingrid - How have you been able to handle a very rocky M since 2000? Every time I see your signature line it breaks my heart for you.

[Punktmann]

Mishka,

The more I look at the last few years of our lives together the more I realize how unhappy I have been myself. I had turned into a shell of the woman I once was. I lost all my self-confidence and could not really laugh at anything. I had become cynical and pretty depressed about most things in general.

This is a very productive insight. Be cautious about blame, that word really IS a double edged sword leading to anger. It is what it is.

There is a difference between knowing and KNOWING.

That is my sitch to a T. I've known this for a long time now. I've also known for a long time now that this is about her, and there is nothing I can do to change it or control it.

But I didn't KNOW it until just recently.

Understanding that insight is the first step.

Very shortly you will KNOW, or internalize it inside, it will bring you a measurable amount of peace and detachment.

You will be at that place when you care, but aren't upset. Where you know he is acting foolish, but you don't make efforts to impact his thoughts or actions. Where you know that he is making a mistake he will regret, and aren't thinking, "boy I hope you are miserable." Where your anger at what is left to you and your son still smoulders a bit, but you don't make those little (or big,) conversational digs. When you can still be truly cheerful inside and out even though he acted like an a$$ about something.

It's still gonna hurt a little, but...

You're gonna love it here.

I wish you a speedy journey.

I am pretty sure I don't ever want him back. I don't think I could ever find a way to trust him again after knowing he has been lying to me about so many things (big and small) for so many years.

Only you can decide when you are done. Not your friends, home or here, not family, and esp not H. There is a ton about your sitch that no-one knows but you and H. This decision is yours and yours alone. Truly you have control over this.

I'm not trying to change your mind, but there is no hurry to make a final decision. They will distance themselves, we don't need to do it. If leaving again or the D is a boundary for you, and he does it, then so be it. You are in control over the point of no return, but there is no sense in rushing a decision on where that point is. Make that decision from a place of peace.

While he is gone, it is time to look to yourself and your son, and your lives.

People talk about working on themselves here. It is so easy to unconsciously misconstrue that as "with an eye towards the R/M." It's not. It's about what you refered to above, your self-esteem. W/o him.

I too don't know how to go about rebuilding that trust, or getting rid of the remaining resentment and anger. But that is putting the cart before the horse. We may not have to worry about how to do that, because the need may not arise. Don't borrow worries that you may not need.

Now is a good time to redirect your energy away from him and HIS issues.

A good direction for me was away from her issues, and towards rebuilding my self and self-esteem.

If you can get to a gym, many here will attest to the fact that exercise is cathartic and really helps. Endorphins are under-rated.


Many of the people who are posting to you have been through the wringer themselves, successfully or not, or not yet, M wise. They stay here b/c they know they can help, and they remember when they needed it themselves.

I wouldn't stop posting and lurk. This place is a truly anonymous support group where you can say anything, unlike real-world friends and family. The people here have walked a mile in your shoes, and can really relate. Maybe you'll want to move to a different forum like surviving, or D but not done, but this is a great place to vent and get real world responses from people who have been there, done that, and have the T-shirts. IC's are great, but I think there is value in sharing with people who are in the same boat. (Why else would IC's set up support groups?)

Wish you the best.


Punk

[MrsLBW]

Mishka,
I have been keeping up with what you have been going through and of all the other threads I have read, yours is the most similar to mine. My H is not living with the OW but he spends a lot of time with her. My H has made comments recently about "possibly" getting back together and that he thinks now that he "might" go to counseling and "maybe" we can work on it. But he has done NOTHING to move in that direction. I told him that the only sign I would even care about is that he is getting another job-one away from her!! I will not wait YEARS for him to come to his senses!

But what I notice most about your situation is what you have been saying about how you feel about all of this.. When your H moved in and you described how uncomfortable it is with him there, I could understand! My H hasn't moved back, but I feel that every time he is here to pick up or visit the kids. I can't wait for him to leave!! I have come to the conclusion that I don't need or I don't think even WANT him anymore. He told me when he moved out in September that we would all get used to this-being separated and THIS he was right about!! The stress and pessimism is gone in the house. He is the biggest pessimist I have ever met and has always been that way and it has been a struggle all of these years to keep things on an even kiel (sp?)-just as you said-you had to keep things balanced with your H. Isn't it nice to not have to do that anymore? Maybe they did us a favor. Let these other women deal with their ups and downs. We know it will blow up in their faces eventually, don't we? And I, for one, will not be there to pick up the pieces. Not after what he has done to me and everyone around us.

I wish you well in your sitch. I will keep lurking to check up on you.. I have stopped my own thread for now. I am not DBing for my M but find a lot of useful info while lurking on this and other threads-things that I can learn to help in other relationships in my life and in future relationships.

Good luck---and I UNDERSTAND!!
Gin