I'm pretty sure that my wife would not agree to read The Five Love Languages. I don’t believe that she refuses to read The Sex-Starved Marriage because it focuses on sex, but rather because she's completely opposed to putting that level of effort into making our relationship better. Such an effort on her part might indicate that she feels partially responsible for our problems. Besides, what good would it do for her to understand what I need to feel loved when she doesn't seem to care if I feel loved or not. She seems to be perfectly content as long as I fulfill all of her needs, pretend to be happy, and keep my mouth shut about my own needs.
I realize that our problems are just as much my fault as hers (as I'm demonstrating in this post), but I've been working hard to try and better understand her needs and to become the husband that she wants me to be. And yes, I screw up – but at least I’m giving it my best effort. I’d give anything to be in her shoes. At least then I’d know that my spouse is in love with me, finds me attractive and sexy, and wants to be close to me. I have to live every day feeling that my wife finds me repulsive and that she’d be happier if I wasn’t even around. I’m not trying to trivialize the pain and confusion that low-desire spouses feel, but at least they seem to control their own destiny. If a low desire spouse is lucky enough to have someone that will remain faithful and love them unconditionally, they only need to decide that it’s time to make things better and they immediately get all the support they need. At least that’s how it seems when reading the posts on this message board.
I’m hurting and frustrated and I apologize that I’m letting my frustration show. Maybe it helps to see the jerk side of me that comes out when my wife and I get into an argument. That’s what I need to change most about myself. If nothing else maybe you low-desire spouses will set me straight and change my thinking on this issue.
